The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads
Dads face unique issues during and after divorce. We identify and address the issues relevant to divorced/divorcing dads and create an action plan to survive and thrive!
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The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads
240 - How To Avoid Divorce Overwhelm
Navigating divorce can be overwhelming, but with clear priorities and manageable steps, it's possible to regain clarity and purpose. In this episode, we explore practical strategies to handle the emotional storms and daunting tasks that accompany divorce, emphasizing the importance of support systems and self-care.
• Understanding the multi-faceted nature of divorce
• Setting intentions and identifying priorities
• Breaking tasks into manageable steps
• Accepting imperfection and avoiding burnout
• Focusing on personal control and responses
• Giving oneself grace and compassion
• The benefits of collaborating with a divorce coach
• Effective co-parenting strategies for emotional health
• Staying grounded through scheduling and support systems
• Prioritizing self-care during the transition
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Hello and welcome. Thanks for joining us. This week we are going to be jumping into the topic of how to avoid divorce overwhelm. One of the things that came up in our group meeting this weekend was one of the guys just having quite a bit of challenges with everything that is going on on and I see this quite often is, when we jump into this challenging time, that there are just a myriad of things going on and some guys just aren't organized or it's just so overwhelming that it's difficult and they shut down. Other guys will end up just making them crazy, trying to get on top of things and fix everything, as we are, as guys, trying to fix things and completely burn themselves out. So we're going to just and it's going to be a brief episode today, but I just wanted to touch base on that give some ideas around that on how to manage all of this and not get overwhelmed, on how to manage all of this and not get overwhelmed. But before we jump in, let's welcome Sean, derek, dan and Elaine to the Divorced Advocate community. If you're not part of it, check it out at thedivorcedadvocatecom All the resources you could want to get the support that you deserve and need going through this process, whether it's free or paid resources. Check it out at thedivorcedadvocatecom.
Speaker 1:So undeniably, this is one of your most challenging transitions, and, as a father, the responsibilities feel somewhat even heavier, and the process is a whirlwind of emotions, logistics and life changes. Finances, splitting assets, parenting as a single father the emotional toll of ending the relationship can all create an overwhelming storm. But the good news is is you don't have to weather the storm all at once or alone, and so here's some practical ways that you can manage the overwhelm and move forward with clarity and purpose during this time. First, let's talk about the many different layers of divorce. It's not just the end of the marriage. It's a complex reorganization of nearly everything and every aspect of your life. It could be finances, negotiating settlements, dividing assets, adjusting to a single income household. It can be parenting, learning to co-parent or transitioning to single fatherhood, all while supporting your kids through their own adjustments. It can be the emotions that come up grieving the loss of the relationship, navigating the feelings of guilt that was a big one for me Anger or sadness, and or maybe even dealing with some external judgments. Also, logistics just managing the legal paperwork can be challenging, courting schedules, and then there's always planning for the future or just not knowing quite what the future is going to be yet and trying to make short-term plans, hoping that they move into long-term plans. So the sheer number of tasks and emotions can make it feel impossible to know where to start.
Speaker 1:So what is the key? The key is to take it step by step. Now I'm going to just share some and just a brief idea of how you can take this step by step. But when I work with divorce or divorcing dads in the private practice and one-on-one, I have a five-step process that we work on and work through, and I highly recommend going back and looking at some of the episodes. It's called Dad's Guide to Divorce Dad's Guide to Divorce, and it's a five-step process and that goes into some more specific detail. This is just really simply cursory, just to try to help you to get through some of the overwhelm and some of that initial overwhelm, the first being to set intentions and priorities, similar to our step one in the dad's guide to divorce.
Speaker 1:When everything feels urgent, it's really easy to spin your wheels and accomplish little Instead of trying to tackle everything at once. Take a moment to set clear intentions and priorities First. Identify what matters most. Ask yourself what's most important right now. It could be ensuring your children feel secure. It could be creating a financial plan. It could be managing your emotional well-being Okay. So just identify what you need first, then second, break it down. Once you identify your priorities, divide them into manageable steps.
Speaker 1:So we've got an episode on this too, on how to set goals and how to work backwards from the intention. For example, if your finances are a concern and maybe you need to get your financial disclosure put together, start with gathering the financial documents. Okay, so you're working backwards. The first thing you're going to need to do is get those financial documents documents, so you're working backwards. The first thing you're going to need to do is get those financial documents, then schedule a meeting with a financial advisor and then this incremental progress will add up and then, depending on what's the next step, take those incrementally.
Speaker 1:Third is set realistic goals. Aim for progress, not perfection. This is a transition period, so perfection isn't the goal. You don't know what things are going to look like on the backside. Celebrate your small victories, like completing a task or handling a tough conversation with composure. So give yourself some credit and some kudos as you go through this and especially if you're setting realistic goals and you're hitting those realistic goals.
Speaker 1:The next is avoid the perfection trap. During a divorce, many of us will put pressure on ourselves to have it all together for their kids, for your ex-spouse, for their kids, for your ex-spouse, for your own sense of pride. But expecting perfection is an absolute recipe for burnout and it's a recipe for disaster. Except imperfection, Mistakes are going to be a natural part of this process. Learn from them rather than letting them define you. Learn from them rather than letting them define you. It's going to take there's going to be a whole big change and it's going to take a lot of learning, and it's going to be a big learning process. The only way that you learn is by making mistakes, readjusting and then trying to do it better the next time. Also, focus on what you can control. This is absolutely huge. I can't even tell you how huge this is, because everything feels chaotic and out of control and as guys, we don't like that. We want a linear path to how do we get this done.
Speaker 1:You can't control your ex-spouse's behavior. Let me say that again. You can't control your ex-spouse's behavior or the outcome of every legal decision. So these are just two guarantees that are, if there are any guarantees in divorce. These are two that you can bank on. You're not going to be able to control your ex-spouse's behavior or the outcome of every legal decision. The court is a shit show the family law court. We do not know what is going to happen or what the rulings are going to be if you end up going to in front of a judge or a magistrate. But what you can control is how you respond and the effort you put into your role as a father. So control what you can. Those are two that you can control. You can control your response. You can control how you show up as a dad.
Speaker 1:Give yourself grace Again. This kind of falls in line with accept imperfection but treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer a friend in your position. You know, one of the beautiful things that I love about our group meetings is we've got guys that have been on for years and years, that have already gone through it, that are down the road, a couple. I'm always just so proud of the support and grace and just positive feedback that all these guys will give to new guys that are in the group. So just while you're going through it. Try to do some of that like you would do to a friend or somebody else. Give yourself some grace and some compassion. I guarantee you you're not going to get through this perfectly. It's probably not going to go exactly how you thought or maybe how you wanted it to go. So give yourself grace. That is okay, just like anything you do the first time or even the second time. It's difficult and challenging and it's not going to be easy.
Speaker 1:Okay, consider working with a divorce coach. I can't emphasize this enough anymore and I'm going to start preaching this a little bit more, not just because I am a divorce coach, but because I see so many guys get overwhelmed, so many mistakes being made that can get covered in the meeting this weekend and we had a new guy on and everybody was just peppering him with have you considered this? Have you considered this? Have you considered this? And this guy was incredibly well prepared and had thought about a lot of things. It was being very conscientious through this process, but even he was like, oh man, I did not think of that, I'm going to go do that, I'm going to look into this, and there's just so much going on that you don't have to navigate this journey alone.
Speaker 1:So, if you have the means, find a divorce coach. They can give you invaluable guidance in helping you to stay organized number one manage the overwhelming list of tasks and create a step-by-step plan. Just the legal process has all of those overwhelming lists of tasks, let alone all of the other stuff that goes on. A coach can help you maintain focus, keep your priorities clear and help you avoid distractions or unnecessary conflicts. That's a big one, too unnecessary conflict or going down a rabbit hole on something that's going to maybe cost you time and money that you don't need to be pursuing. They're also going to help you excuse me, they're also going to help you build confidence by offering emotional support and practical advice tailored to your specific situation. Emotional support and practical advice tailored to your specific situation.
Speaker 1:Every single divorce your divorce, mine, every single guy that shows up in our group meetings each one of those divorces is completely unique to itself, and we always talk about look, take the advice that you get from everybody here, but only you know what is going to be best for your unique situation. So a coach is going to help you to build confidence in knowing that you're making the best decision that you know how for your situation. A lot of guys want feedback and they want to know what somebody else did. Only you know and you can and should and will have the confidence, but working with a coach is going to help point some of those things out. That's another thing that guys will always bring up, especially the ones that have been in the meeting and see guys that come in and then are new, and then these guys are going through the process. They'll always point out how well they've done or how strong they are staying through this process, and I do appreciate that as well.
Speaker 1:Next is improve co-parenting strategies. A coach is going to help you learn techniques for effective communication, like nonviolent communication or collaboration with your ex-spouse for the sake of your kids. You might have ideas around how to communicate or some skills upgrades. That's one of the steps in the Dad's Guide to Divorce. Also, some tools that might be out there for communicating effectively. They just have a myriad of ideas. The other thing that they really bring to the table is you've heard me talk about when you build your divorce team. You're like the coach of this divorce team or the bus driver, however you want to say it, and when you're building this team, you need to have important players like a quarterback that might be the attorney, or a running back that might be a financial advisor or CPA or a therapist. But you're building this team and each of those individual players on that team are going to have their own unique perspective as to what you should be doing or need to be doing. But in the context of what they are advising you on, and what a coach can really help you to do is look at that from a global or a higher level perspective in order to help you make the decision that's best, because it might not be worth fighting for something. But your financial advisor says, well, these are the numbers and this is what you should be doing, or parenting time or whatever else that it that it might be. I've had a myriad of guys of like well, my, my, whomever said I should do this, and then we looked at the pros and cons of that, balanced that with some other situations or the mental, emotional tax that it might be to fight on something, and have them make their own decision based upon what is best for them and their family. So a coach is really going to help you sift through all of that, take all of that advice, help you with what you're going through and what you're thinking, and then move in the direction that you want to make that as healthy and less traumatic as possible.
Speaker 1:The last part would be to stay grounded, and let's talk about staying grounded. Let me just give you a few tips on staying grounded. First is create a schedule. If you don't have a schedule, or if you're not one that knows how to do time blocking or any other schedule management process, figure one out. Use a calendar to track legal appointments, parenting schedules, personal goals, deadlines for getting, maybe, financial disclosures or other information into your attorney. This is going to make things so much easier and so much smoother. If you get a schedule and you look at it, you put everything in there and you follow it. This is going to help you stay grounded. Again, this is something you can control. So control it. Control your schedule and how you are able to get through taking care of all these myriad things that are going on.
Speaker 1:The next way to stay grounded is lean on your support system. Things that are going on. The next way to stay grounded is lean on your support system. Talk to trusted friends, family members, a therapist, and by sharing your feelings, this can help you to lighten the emotional load. Get involved with a group meeting like ours or another men's group or a church group somewhere, but get involved somewhere.
Speaker 1:Do not self-isolate. You've heard me say that a million times. We've talked about it. We've talked about it with experts. Do not self-isolate. We just talked about this again on the call this weekend too, about sharing this with your bosses at work or somebody else in order to just let them know what's going on and what the situation is in your life. You're going to be amazed at the amount of support that you're going to get when you open up and just share that. You're going through this difficult and challenging time, so lean on that support system.
Speaker 1:The next is prioritize self-care. You hear me talk about mental, emotional, physical, spiritual. Make sure that you're taking care of yourself, you're exercising, you're eating well, making times for activities you enjoy in order to maintain that mental and physical health. And finally, focus on the bigger picture. Remind yourself that this is a phase, this is a point in time in your life. It is not a permanent state. Divorce is not permanent. Each step you take brings you closer to stability and what we call affectionately in the group life 2.0. I had a message just a couple of weeks ago from a guy that got involved in our group and was just feeling hopeless going through it, and now he was like man, you are right, there is a light at the end and it can be, and for him it has been really terrific and fantastic.
Speaker 1:So, in closing, divorce is tough, but you don't have to go through it perfectly and you certainly don't have to go through it alone. By setting your clear priorities, working incrementally and seeking support, you can navigate the challenging time with resilience and grace. Remember, the process is about building a foundation for your future and for your children post-divorce. So be patient with yourself. Trust the process and take it one day at a time. Stay strong one day at a time. If you're feeling stuck, consider reaching out and connecting with a coach that can help guide you through this transition. You deserve support as you create a new path forward for yourself and your family. Thank you so much for listening. Short and sweet this week, I hope that these few tips will just help you get through that divorce overwhelm that you might be feeling right now.
Speaker 1:Through this process Again. Get engaged, if not with our community, with some community that can help give you support. There's a lot of divorce support groups that are out there some faith-based, some otherwise and if you want to get involved with our group, check out thedivorcedadvocatecom. There are all kinds of resources there for you. We'd love you to jump in.
Speaker 1:We've got a new Signal channel. If you check out that Signal channel at, just go to Signal, download the app and then type in the Divorced Advocate, you'll find us. We're trying to be able to. We're trying to encourage more guys to be able to be communicating through between podcasts, between group meetings, between events that we have, so that we just get some more daily support and uplift and connection with each other. So check out that new Signal app. If you found value today, really please share this far and wide on social media. Also, giving us a star rating or, even better, writing some comments we haven't had any in a while. That really really helps other dads that are looking for support to tune into one episode and once they tune into one, they'll listen to multiple ones and then get involved in getting the support that they need. So thanks so much for listening this week. Have a terrific week and God bless.
