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The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads
Dads face unique issues during and after divorce. We identify and address the issues relevant to divorced/divorcing dads and create an action plan to survive and thrive!
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The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads
244 - REPLAY: 10 Effects of Divorce on Children
In this episode, we share valuable strategies to support children through the turbulent waters of divorce. Discover how consistency and openness can anchor a child’s world, from recognizing emotional and behavioral changes to fostering a stable environment. We introduce the engaging "Rose Thorn Bud" dinner-time game as a tool to nurture open communication, and stress the need for healthy co-parenting dynamics to create a secure space for children. Emphasizing self-care for parents and the modeling of positive relationship skills, this episode equips listeners with actionable advice to help children not just cope, but thrive during this challenging transition.
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Hello and welcome to the Divorce Davocate, where we help dads create a healthy and less traumatic divorce. My name is Jude Sandvall and I'm your host. Today we've got the topic of 10 effects of divorce on children. I wanted to mix it up a little bit here today and kind of talk about the perspective coming from a child's perspective, but also give us an opportunity to kind of look for some signs that are commonplace. Some of these are going to be common and kind of straightforward. Some of them might not be as much, but just allow us to take a look at and kind of see what's going on in the hearts and minds of our kiddos during this, this challenging time. I know that we're focused on this podcast quite a bit about what we got going on mentally and emotionally ourselves, and I think it's really important also to and I'm sure, if you're listening to this, you this consideration of yours already that what our kiddos are going through mentally and emotionally as well is important. Before we dive in, though, show notes the Divorce Advocate app is available, open, 100% free. We've got all kinds of resources there and we're building more out. We're putting our events in there too, so you can check out and register for our events. On the app as well, we're just going to keep building this as well. We're going to have a desktop version coming out here in mid to the end of next month. So we're just we're continuing to, we're going to be adding resources, adding functionality, just continuing to build this out to be a really fantastic resource and it's going to be the hub of the entire Divorced Advocate community pretty soon. So check that out, go to thedivorcedadvocateappcom and you can download it from either the Android or the Apple store. And again, there are all kinds of resources, over 50 courses that you can take a look at and work through and right now that's free. And then also the divorce quiz is still up If you want to gauge where you're at in your divorce compared to others who have gone through it. It's about 10 minutes and is a great, great resource. And that is at thedivorcequizcom. And you can also find both of those resources at the website, at thedivorcedadvocatecom, under the Get the App tab or the Divorce Quiz tab. So check out those two fantastic resources and get plugged into the community, all right. 10 Effects of divorce on children. We're going to talk first about those 10 effects and then we're going to just speak briefly at the end about how you can help them cope with the divorce and mitigate some of these effects on them, and the first one is they feel angry, and I know that might be probably one that you're feeling as well, going through this process.
Speaker 1:We've talked in great detail in past episodes about grief and anger and them being kind of sister emotions that go together. Anger is one of the emotions that goes into processing grief, one of the five, and so that is going to be the same for the kiddos as it is for you, and their life is changing just as much as yours is. Now. The biggest challenge for them, though, is that they don't have much input into what's going on with this, which can increase or just make it even more frustrating for them and bring up that anger. So be aware of that Also, this is particularly present with school age and school age kids and teens, and it's mostly because of that.
Speaker 1:What I just described is their inability to have any control over it, to have any input into it, and also it could go into some feelings of abandonment. So just be aware again, I'm not going to give the tips around how to deal with it right now we're going to talk about that at the end, but that's definitely one effect that can be feeling anger. Another is they might socially withdraw, thinking about all of these feelings that are going on. And again, this is something, uh, something that you may be feeling as well and a lot of the the dads that I come in contact with during this process feel is they just want to socially withdraw from what's going on and because of the overwhelming amount of feelings that are coming up. So that's really really similar to what might be happening with your kiddos. Another part of this is a potential low self-image associated with divorce. Again, just like some of us may have a stigma or may be stigmatized because of our environment or our upbringing around divorce, our kiddos may be feeling that also and want to socially withdraw because they're embarrassed or feel bad about what's going on was prevalent with one of my daughters who felt a lot of emotions and feelings but also low self-image around the divorce until she started to meet some other kids who were also in families that were divorced or had blended families, and so a big one about this is trying to boost your kiddo's self-confidence and their inner dialogue around this, and this is going to go back to communicating with them and talking with them, but specifically to this effect, boosting their self-confidence and letting them know that this happens often.
Speaker 1:It is commonplace to have divorce that it has nothing to do with or does not reflect at all on them because of their parents' divorce. Number three their grades might suffer. Now, this one's pretty straightforward, I think. If you Googled anything around effects or impacts on kids or how kids might act out or how they might react to a divorce, grades might suffer. And this is also particularly more noticeable in kids that are going to be older, maybe teenage kids that might start feeling a lack of motivation because they're feeling neglected or potentially depressed or distracted by what's going on between their parents, and might become less distracted in or less interested in wanting to be, wanting to interact or just be immersed in or pay attention to or focused on their academics. And obviously we know if that happens, then their academics are going to go, fall by the wayside. But again, if you're paying attention to this and you're staying abreast of what's going on and sometimes this is a little more challenging for us dads, particularly if we were not the ones that were intimately involved with their academics or picking up and dropping off at school, parent-teacher conferences, knowing who their teachers were, et cetera, or talking to them about academics or helping them with homework. So just make sure that you stay on top of this. It could be a very clear indicator of something that's going on and very loud and big red flag to be able to have those conversations with the kiddos If you see that grades are are suffering drastically and quickly. So pay attention to that.
Speaker 1:One. Number four they they feel separation anxiety. Now, this one is potentially more prevalent in some of the younger kiddos and this is developmentally pretty common in young kids, in toddlers six, six to nine months, or that really starts to resolve itself once they start to get to 18 months old. But in the older toddlers, what you might see is that there's a separation anxiety or that they might ask for another parent all the time, or they might. And one way to mitigate that is to really keep and I will give the tip. I said I wasn't going to give tips. I'm going to give a tip on this one specifically because it's really important. They'll respond very well to a consistent routine around this and you can use visual tools like calendars.
Speaker 1:And when I say that you can mark out when your parenting time is, when your ex's parenting time is, and clearly label that and clearly let them know Not knowing is the biggest thing for them. And if you can reassure them that, yes, you're going to see mommy again, yes, you're going to see mommy again in a couple of days, you're at daddy's house now, that's okay, that reassurance really helps them go a long way. And, depending upon your situation and what your agreed upon parenting plan is, then you can also build some of that into your parenting plan, like a phone call at night or a text or FaceTime or something like that. That just helps that transition. This transition is going to happen. It's going to be the most difficult and challenging in that first one to three years. Getting through those first I call them the seasons. Getting through that first year, getting through the seasons with them and the holidays and transitioning through what's going to be a different lifestyle, is really going to be the biggest time and the biggest impact. So if you can create a consistent routine and that consistent routine also includes consistent routines about how you communicate with them, letting them know that you're going to see mommy in a couple of days and vice versa, having that calendar up so that they can visualize it, any kind of consistent thing that you can create for them that will mitigate that anxiety. We created what we called an altar of things that were important to them when they came back to my house that they could see. That helped anchor them back at daddy's house. That was a consistent thing that they saw on our kitchen table all of the time, so that kind of helps them subconsciously, mentally and emotionally.
Speaker 1:Number five is the little ones may regress. So this is just an extension of number four, which is that they mayress into being more clingy or potentially bedwetting starts or thumb sucking. You can see a temper tantrums, stuff like this, stuff like, um, stuff that you may have seen them work through. Like I said, uh, that the natural anxiety where there's clinginess from from a child that might outgrow that up to, uh, age 18 months old. And then you see in a, in a kid between 18 months to six years where they kind of revert back to some of this clinginess or they might revert back to not being potty trained or something else like that. And again, it's okay, just be aware of the signs. Often it's just, it's not even something that consciously they are aware of and know that is going on. It's just subconsciously, is reverting back to this stuff, and if you're paying attention, if you're really in tune to and being present with them, then just know that it's okay.
Speaker 1:And again, reassurance and consistency in the environment is going to be good, and now we can only control one part of the consistency in the environment is going to be good, and now we can only we can only control one part of the consistency in the environment. Right, so that's only our, uh, our environment, the environment that we create and environment you create is going to be based upon what you want that to look like at. Uh, at your home I've mentioned the altar thing is a good one, and we do one, and we do this to this day, which is a routine when my daughters come back, and so we do pizza and movie night every time they come back. So then they know they have something to look for, they know something's going to happen and it's and it's something they can, they enjoy, and so you can create some of those traditions and some of those things that help anchor them, help them readjust to those transitions coming back.
Speaker 1:Number six is their eating and sleeping patterns will change, and this again is probably going to be more prevalent in the kiddos that are younger, that are maybe less than six years old, but this can happen with anybody and it may happen with you as well. I know it did with me because our subconscious is doing work, it's happening and where mind might be overly active when we're going to sleep and so just be aware of it. It's again part of that adjustment in that first year, or maybe even up to three years, and having the different environments is that they're going to have to learn how that they have different, they have different environments, they have different sleep situations. They might have different sleep schedules at your house and to with your, your ex. Now, if you, if you have a great co-parenting relationship with your, your ex, now, if you, if you have a great co-parenting relationship, that is fantastic and you can talk about uh, bedtime routines and you can talk about things like uh, appropriate, uh and consistent bedtimes and have both of you sticking to those with the kids, that's absolutely fantastic and that's an ideal co-parent situation. Now, that's not often. That's often not the case. It's not the case in my situation. So, again, just creating that consistency at your place that they know and it's perfectly fine to say, hey, that's, this is, this is how we do things at daddy's house, and that is absolutely okay, because sometimes you might get the pushback and that might sound like, oh, we don't have to do that at mom's house and that might make you feel guilty, except for the fact that that is a cry for some signs of consistency. They want you to be consistent, they want to have structure, they want to have a routine. So if you hear that, don't go into the shame, don't go into the guilt, go into oh, thank you, you just gave me a red flag and a sign that you need consistency and you need structure. And so create that consistency and structure and keep that regularly in your environment and regularly in a type of routine with your bedtime.
Speaker 1:Number seven is a tough one. They may pick sides and oftentimes they just feel really uncomfortable, stuck in the middle, and this is really hard. They might be acting out. They might not know which side they should pick or if they should pick one parent or another. They may be showing up as an intense need to show fairness, even though it's harmful to themselves. This may show up also in having stomach aches or headaches, and it may also intensify as they get older and as, uh, especially if there's a high, a high conflict. As they get older and they start to to gravitate to one parent or another parent, they may start to choose sides. So this is, uh, completely normal If you're the parent that they're picking uh, they're picking, they're not picking your side. This can be very, very difficult and challenging, and just keeping those lines of communications and allowing them to work through that is going to be really helping you to mitigate some of that big challenge and kind of nip that in the bud before it becomes something that is hugely problematic, because you, as a father, involved in their life, is the number one thing that you can provide to your kids through this process.
Speaker 1:Number eight is they go through depression. Okay, this again, maybe I should have put this up. Number two alongside that, they may feel anger, because depression also is part of the grieving process and it's one of the steps to the grieving process. So they may feel angry, they may feel depressed, they may feel depressed, they may feel, then angry. The grieving process is not linear. It can be really circular and it can go back and forth, so don't be surprised by this. You are experiencing it, potentially, and they're going to feel sad, and it might just start as feeling sad about what's going on. You just want to be cognizant that this doesn't morph into something that is a clinical depression where they're sad all of the time.
Speaker 1:Clinical depression where they're sad all of the time and again, that can be more. This can be more prominent with kids, kiddos, that are ages 11 and older, and here's another one that I would be very aware of is that boys can potentially, and maybe more at risk to have feelings or thoughts around suicide. So just be aware of that. Again, being open and, if you can, enlisting the help of a therapist early on in this process, would be absolutely phenomenal. To have them have a third party to uh, to talk to and um, go through this with and and and and be able to mitigate both mom and dad's feelings and you know we don't always, we're not always great, and I wasn't always great also of like being able to uh to, to go through and have my feelings and then be present and do all that and then be able to hold space for them and then allow them to see me having my feelings and how I'm processing them, and then be aware of what they're going through and hold the space, and then it's a complicated process. So having a third party that can help you with that really, really can be phenomenal.
Speaker 1:Number nine they engage in risky behavior. So this is just one to be aware of that you might not be paying attention to, you might not know about, but again, this is going to be one that's going to be maybe the teenagers more so than the younger kiddos, and this manifests in potentially drugs and alcohol, aggressive behavior, sexual activity. And I want to say again that your involvement, your being present with them, is the number one thing that can help the kids, and studies show this over and over again and it shows that, particularly with your daughters, girls that have fathers that are involved in their lives, even in divorced households, are going to be less inclined to have sex at an earlier age than girls whose fathers are not involved. So, you know, just make sure to pay attention to that, make sure to again be aware of the environment and where, maybe with the kiddos, of the environment that your kiddos are hanging out in and the friends that they're hanging out with, so that you are able to have those open lines of communication with them about, are able to have those open lines of communication with them about what's going on. And then the last one, number 10, they face their own relationship struggles and there's a good chance that the kiddos may internalize some of what's going on and some of what has happened through this process may impact their general ideas and attitudes towards what's going on with their relationships and their potential relationships. And this, again, with teens, is particularly prevalent because they're starting to have their own relationships and maybe their own boyfriends or girlfriends in school. And so here is herein lies, an opportunity, an opportunity for you to have those open discussions and conversations with them and be able to talk about, maybe, what was, what were reasons why your relationship was not successful, things that you might have done better, the part that you took in the relationship and the dynamic you brought to the relationship, your feelings about everything that happened and going forward and going forward how you might approach things in a better manner. Or, if you are in a new relationship and are modeling a positive relationship and a healthier relationship with somebody now, then that's a huge, huge opportunity to have them see what may have been an unhealthy relationship, but a dynamic. And now what is a healthy and positive relationship and a dynamic? And now what is a healthy and positive relationship and a dynamic, especially if you've been successful at blending families together and being able to have them spend time and be with your now other relationship and have them see, potentially, if your ex is doing that as well. So it can be good. You know it can be good.
Speaker 1:The other thing I want to say about this is going through the divorce helps them also to see that there's many alternative family models. So maybe you didn't find somebody else, and being a single dad and going through that, like I have for the past nine years, helps them also to see that there is another way and that you can have that and that can be successful, and that that's all right too. And now that's going to take a lot of work on your part to get comfortable yourself with that and being comfortable in the role of single and what all of that entails, and so that's that's perfectly okay, and it's perfectly okay to talk to your kids about that. Or if you're not comfortable with it and you don't like it, it's also perfectly comfortable to talk with them about that as well. So just so that there's options. And again, the communication thing is huge, and so let's talk now about ways in which you can help them cope through these 10 effects of divorce on them, and the first thing I keep saying, and the first one is encourage them to talk to you, explain to them that they're in a safe space, and that safe space again goes back to you creating an environment for that safe space and being aware of what they're going through.
Speaker 1:If you are aware of these 10 effects and you're able to even prompt and bring up the opportunity to do this, we started to play a game at dinner time which was called Rose Thorn Bud, and a rose was a good experience you had during the day. A thorn was a um was a bad experience. You are a mistake that you uh had that you made during the day, and the bud was a act, uh, an act of kindness that either you you uh portrayed to somebody else or that you witnessed during the day. So we'd start our dinner times with our rose thorn bud conversations, which always led to and prompted us to talk about more than just those specific things. It would be talking about feelings, and so that was kind of creating that space, holding that space for them, that, uh, that they could talk about this stuff, cause inevitably they we talk about this stuff Because inevitably we talk about things at school or their relationships or their friends, or what's going on in their mom's house or what's going on in their environment or how they're feeling. So that's just one good example of encouraging them to talk. And it's just not hey, do you want to talk? No, okay, thanks, thanks, because that just doesn't work. In particular, if you have teens like I do, you already know this that there there's going to take maybe a little more prompting and maybe that's, um, finding a activity that is a common activity you like. Doing that allows you to, uh, just connect with them and give them the opportunity to have that.
Speaker 1:Another thing you can do to help them cope is understand that all kids process change differently and what works for one will not necessarily work for another, and that's why paying attention. So I've got three and I can tell you that all three of them do it differently. Two of the three do it kind of the same. One of the three is totally different than the other two and so, again, this is where that paying attention and that's why I wanted to do this podcast was paying attention to those effects that you might not readily notice because they're kind of covert. They might be mental and emotional right, and part of that grieving process and we've got so much going on. So just know that if you have multiple kids and you're thinking, oh well, one's doing this and this is really obvious, and one's not doing this so that one must be perfectly fine or vice versa, that might not be the case. So again, the conversations really opening those conversations is the big key one, because you will be really, really surprised. My one, my one that does not process things the same as what I would say the other three of us has just absolutely blindsided me sometimes in our dinner conversations with her observations around what's going on and I would just think, holy moly, she would not ever say anything, she's not acting out, none of that and she had the most insightful observations, observations around what's going on, than anybody else did. So just be aware they process very, very differently.
Speaker 1:The next thing to help your kids cope is try to eliminate conflict between yourself and your ex, if possible, okay. So again, we talk about this all of the time on the podcast and we talk about co-parenting and effective co-parenting and all the strategies. But sometimes you're just not able to do that and you're going to be parallel parenting. If you can't eliminate conflict, that's great. If you can, if you can mitigate that, uh, to whatever extent you absolutely positively can, that's great. But parallel parenting is going to be perfectly fine as well. Eventually the kiddos will figure it out. But if you can, you've done everything.
Speaker 1:And now this doesn't say this doesn't mean go above and beyond, don't continue. Don't continue an overgiving dynamic. If you were an overgiver or codependent in a relationship and then you do that, you continue to do that in order to cater to the best needs of the kids, because you want to make things more comfortable. Because here's the thing if you are codependent, if you are overgiving, and then your kids see that, then they're going to start to model that behavior in their relationships. You don't want them to model that behavior which is avoiding conflict at all costs, because you don't want to rock the boat, because then they just do the same thing. So that's not helping. You think maybe you're helping, but in the short run maybe you're making things easier, but in the long run you're as detrimental to your kiddos, because they're going to be mimicking that same behavior in their relationships and then what that does is then they go find the same relationship you had, and we definitely don't want that to happen. So eliminate conflict to best of your abilities.
Speaker 1:Let's put let's, let's rephrase it that way. The next one reach out for help, and we if, if, if you need it. And this isn't just with therapy. So we mentioned early therapy, which, although I would highly highly suggest absolutely positively if you can do that. But that also means reach out to family, reach out to friends, or, you know, we've talked in the previous episodes that self-care around asking for help is a very, very good thing and that's a strength that you can build.
Speaker 1:Maybe uncomfortable, it may be something that you haven't done at all or you have problems doing, but asking for help can be great and, again, this models really fantastic behavior for the kiddos. So do that, ask for help. And the last one is be kind to yourself, have grace with yourself. Your kiddos, again, need you to be strong. They need you to be centered. You're human. You're going to make mistakes. Through this, that communication can also be learning to apologize when you've made mistakes. I've gotten good at this because I have made a buttload of mistakes. So learning how to apologize to them, ask their forgiveness again, is a great relationship tool to teach your kiddos that it's going to benefit them in their lives. So be kind to yourself and again, finally, be taking care of your self-care mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually. I'm not going to go into that in detail right now because I have multiple episodes on that, so go back and check those out. So there you go 10 effects of divorce on children and ways that you can help them cope with those 10 effects.
Speaker 1:Now I hope that you found some value in this information. If you did, please share it far and wide. Share it with the divorced or divorcing dads. If you're listening on a podcast platform, give us a star rating, give us a review. That really helps us immensely on social media. Share that and give some comments as well is great. And also, go download the app. Take the divorce quiz, get on the websites and find the resources. We're going to have a much more expanded resources page coming up on the website as well as the app. So thanks so much for listening. God bless, have a great week.
