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The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads
Dads face unique issues during and after divorce. We identify and address the issues relevant to divorced/divorcing dads and create an action plan to survive and thrive!
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The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads
245 - The Unique Role of Fathers in Parenting: 6 Key Differences
In today's parenting landscape, we often hear about the importance of involved parents. But did you know that fathers bring a unique set of parenting skills to the table? In his book "The Boy Crisis," Dr. Warren Farrell explores how dads parent differently from moms, and why these differences are crucial for child development, especially for boys. Let's dive into six key ways fathers contribute to parenting.
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Hello and welcome to the show. I sincerely appreciate you listening today and we are going to be talking about the unique role fathers play in parenting. Before I jump into the background around why I'm talking about this today, and just a little bit about my feelings, let's welcome Carson, tony and Rich to the Divorced Advocate community. If you're not a part of the community, like I always mention at the beginning of the show, check out thedivorcedadvocatecom. We have all kinds of resources, from free to paid, for you wherever you're at in your process. Go check it out. The Divor divorce quiz is one of those. That is a tremendous tool for you to sense where you're at mentally, emotionally, in the process pre, during or after. You can take it multiple times and see where you're growing, where you're doing good and where you might need some work. So check that out. That's under the divorce quiz tab at thedivorcedadvocatecom, so we'd love to have you as a part of our community. I also wanted to note there are some challenges going on right now with the Divorced Advocate app, so if you've got that downloaded and you're trying to access some of the resources on that, thanks to community member Derek for pointing out some things that are going on. We recently did an update to the app. It looks like it has created some significant problems with it. So if any of you've ever worked with an app developer, you know that that's a fun, frustrating process to try to get one developed, but even worse when there's a glitch or a problem getting that fixed. So hopefully we'll get that fixed. It'll be back on track, all right.
Speaker 1:The unique role of fathers in parenting we're going to talk about six key differences. My impetus to this is I just feel like I feel very frustrated. Lately I've had a lot of really good guys in the community just getting pounded and pounded from different sources about their parenting. And I know these guys have been some of them have been part of the community for years to this puke attorney badger and insinuate things about his parenting and what a poor dad he was. And I know this guy. He's been to our parties, he's been to our meetings, I've seen him with his kids. He's just a great dad and so to watch that was really difficult and frustrating. Also, just listening last night to one of the guys that's got an ex that's alienating the kids and doing it through buying them things and making life really easy and comfortable, whereas he's trying to instill some values of focus and discipline and respect and things like that that they're, as teenagers, bucking against, which they're going to do, but you need to work with them to try to figure out and help them to understand that's part of the parenting process. So, you know, in today's parenting landscape, we often hear about the importance of involved parents and even if you are an involved parent, like I'm are an involved parent, like I'm sure you are, if you're tuning into this, you know there are differences that fathers bring and a unique set of parenting skills to the table.
Speaker 1:Now there's a great, great book I highly recommend if you haven't read it, and it's called the boy cross, the boy crisis, by Dr Warren Farrell. I think it's a. It's a read that every single, every single parent should uh, both father and mother, um, should, should read. But, dad, I would love for you to to read this because in the book, he explores how dads parent differently from moms and why these differences are crucial for child development, especially for boys, and we're going to be talking about these six key differences kind of more in the context around boys, because I'm taking the information and the quotes from Dr Farrell and the boy crisis, the information and the quotes from Dr Farrell and the boy crisis, but it works for both boys and girls, because we're going to talk about both men and women, boys and girls needs.
Speaker 1:So let's dive into the six key ways fathers contribute to parenting. And I just want you to hear this again, dads, because I know that there's a lot of you out there trying really hard and working very hard. And look, there's no billboards out there. They're not making movies for us anymore. There's no sitcoms like Father Knows Best anymore. If this is the only time that you're going to hear this this week, I want you to take it to heart, because, dads, you are absolutely critical in your children's lives. So let's talk about some of the key differences and why you are critical.
Speaker 1:The first is boundary enforcement, and that's just more than just setting rules. While both parents may set boundaries, fathers excel at enforcing them, and this isn't about being a quote-unquote bad cop, but rather about consistently following through on established rules. This approach helps children understand consequences and develop self-discipline. In the book, dr Farrell gives all kinds of statistics that support this and surveys and everything else, so that's why I recommend going and reading it, because it is all I hate the scientifically based, but it is all backed with numbers and statistics and surveys and everything else he notes in the book.
Speaker 1:Quote dad's more frequent propensity towards boundary enforcement often seem like insensitive parenting, when in fact they are a crucial balance to a mom's contribution and this is a thing style of parenting and codify it in the sense that fathers who are authoritative are somehow bad because they're authoritarians, and so this is going to be really dangerous because it's going to move us even further from where we're at right now with kids and their inability to launch because they have no purpose and they have no drive and they don't have any kind of understanding of established rules. So I'm going to give you a tip Be firm but fair. Okay, I explain the reasons behind rules and follow through consistently. For example, if your child breaks a rule, calmly explain why it's important and force the consequence without being overly punitive. This could be taking away screen time for a day if they don't clean up their toys. That's just kind of a general one I'm going to highly recommend you've heard me if you talk about it before on this show recommend Love and Logic as a parenting tool for you in setting boundaries and helping children to know and learn and understand that there's consequences for their choices and how to go about that.
Speaker 1:They have a whole structure for this. It's literally a handbook for parenting, which is absolutely amazing. Love and Logic you can Google it. Just Google Love and Logic and they have courses online. They have books, they have CDs, dvds, streaming videos. Now I've had it so long my daughters are older that I've got the DVDs, which are hilarious and great. The founders are amazing. They're from here in Colorado. It's been around forever. It's in the school systems here and across the country.
Speaker 1:Love and Logic is an amazing way, but it talks about how you can be firm but fair, how you can create rules and follow through consistently, and you can do that in a loving and compassionate and logical way. So that's number one boundary enforcement. So if you're setting boundaries, that's okay, and I'm going to say this, I'm going to probably say this more than once but trust your instincts, dads. Trust your instincts because your instincts as a dad are spot on and just because mom does it differently or it happens differently in a household, or even if you're getting pushback from the kids, here's the most difficult and frustrating thing is it's already hard enough. Getting the pushback from the kids thing is it's already hard enough getting the pushback from the kids and it's hard enough if you're in a household where both parents are on the same page because they're going to push back and they're going to push back hard. But when you're getting pushback from them and then you're not getting supported from your soon-to-be acts or your acts or, worst case, they're even taking it to the extreme which I've experienced multiple times, where they're making insinuations, they're calling Child Protective Services, they're taking you to court, they're trying to do everything because of their own messed up mental, emotional issues that you're having to stay true to what you're doing and how you're doing. It becomes incredibly difficult and hard, and I guess that's where my frustration is, especially with the several guys over the past couple of weeks that I've seen struggling with this and trying to do the right thing and be a good dad. So just know that it is okay to set boundaries and enforce those boundaries.
Speaker 1:Number two exploring nature and encouraging risk-taking. Fathers are more likely to encourage children to push their limits and take calculated risks. This could involve activities like climbing trees, trying new sports or venturing into unfamiliar territories. Build confidence and resilience, confidence and resilience two things that our kids need desperately in their adult lives. We all need, but that's how they learn it.
Speaker 1:Farrell emphasizes the importance of balancing quote heroic intelligence and health intelligence. End quote, suggesting boys need to learn traditional masculine traits alongside self-care and emotional awareness. Now, that's not something that we're hearing or seeing anywhere at all in our society, particularly in our schools, where they're just teaching our young boys to be little girls is what it comes down to, and in this book Farrell and the most fascinating thing about this book is Warren Farrell was a prominent feminist at the beginning of the feminist movement and once he started writing and talking about this stuff, he was absolutely canceled and ostracized around this and he was on boards and everything. So he was just, he was uh, uh a, a firm believer in in the camp of helping women and mothers, et cetera, and when he started coming out with these studies and then with this book, he absolutely got decimated. So, um, so this is this is a huge, huge point here, gentlemen.
Speaker 1:Suggesting boys need to learn traditional masculine traits alongside self-care and emotional awareness is absolutely important. So we need both of those things, not just the self-care, not just the awareness. So here's a dad tip. I'm calling these dad tips, okay. The dad tip is plan outdoor activities that challenge your kids, supervise, but allow them to problem solve and take age-appropriate risks. For instance, take your child on a hike and let them navigate using a map. Encourage them to try new trails, but stay within safe boundaries. So, again, trust your instincts. These are all things that dads and fathers like to do and they're important to do them with the kiddos.
Speaker 1:Number three roughhousing. It is more than just play. Dads are often the go-to parent for physical play. Roughhousing isn't just fun, which it is If you grew up doing that like I did. It teaches valuable lessons in empathy, self-control and reading social cues. Jordan Peterson talks a lot about this, about the rough and tumble play and why it's incredibly important. It also helps children, especially boys, channel their energy positively.
Speaker 1:Farrell points out roughhousing, or dad-style play, is critical to children's development. It's not just play. It's a form of bonding that helps develop the prefrontal cortex, which is crucial for impulse control and decision-making. Let me say that again Rough housing or dad-style play, is critical to children's development. It's not just play. It's a form of bonding that helps develop the prefrontal cortex, which is crucial for impulse control and decision-making. Dads, when you're doing this stuff, which comes natural to you wrestling with the kids playing outside, tag, like whatever you're doing with them, you're helping them, assisting them in the development of their prefrontal cortex. You might not know that. I didn't know that until I delved into this more and learned more about this and read this book and read more about developmental stuff. So it's absolutely awesome for you to be doing the roughhousing stuff.
Speaker 1:Here's the dad tip Engage in regular physical play, but set clear boundaries. Use these moments to teach about respecting limits and reading others' emotions. For example, during a wrestling match, stop occasionally to ask your child if you're okay or if they want to continue. This teaches them to respect other boundaries. I can remember one significant time in my childhood with my father playing basketball with him where it got too rough, where we got into a physical altercation, which that helped me and taught me, and it became a big blow up and we had to have a talk about it and talk with my mom about it. And, man, let me tell you it was a significant learning experience in what he describes, or what we described here in this dad tip, in knowing how to respect others and read others' emotions and know what was going on with the situation. So by avoiding this, then we don't teach them ever how to be able to do that, which is what is happening out there right now, where people just don't know and understand and have a real clue and are able to read a room and see and feel and hear emotions. We're doing everything on text and via Zoom and everything else. This is something that helps to develop that, so continue to do that with your kiddos.
Speaker 1:Number four creating quote-unquote teachable moments through challenges. Challenges, it's a good word. Fathers tend to let their children struggle a bit more before stepping into help. This approach creates opportunities for learning and problem solving. It's not about being unhelpful, but about fostering independence and critical thinking. Farrell advocates for quote teaching our sons social, emotional intelligence so they can thrive in the modern era. End quote. That goes along with what I just talked about with that last dad tip. It's absolutely crucial.
Speaker 1:The dad tip for this one is resist the urge to immediately solve your child's problems. Offer guidance and support, but allow them to work through challenges. This is one of the great things with Love Logic They've got a template that you can actually use, with exact wording of how you go about helping them with the challenge. For instance, if your child's struggling with something, you can ask them. So what do you think you're going to do about that? It puts it back on them. To try to help them to take responsibility and ownership for things. To take responsibility and ownership for things. You ask them, what do you think might work, or how do you think you're going to solve this, instead of just giving them the answer. So then you become somebody that's consulting with them and helping them to own their challenge or what their problem is, and then work through it themselves instead of giving them the answer. So creating these teachable moments through challenges, every challenge. The other thing that Love Logic teaches that's amazing is that every challenge is an opportunity for them to learn that their choices have consequences, with the result of those consequences then shapes the life that they're going to live and the path that they're going to go down. So it's an amazing way and then you are there helping guide them, and those challenges and those consequences when they're younger are smaller and not as dangerous or impactful to your life as they are when you're older and you go through bankruptcy or divorce or whatever it might be. So creating those teachable moments through challenges is another great thing that you do Dads.
Speaker 1:Number five hangout time bonding through shared activities. So dads often connect with their children through side-by-side activities rather than face-to-face conversations. This is one of the challenges that modern therapy has with connecting with boys and boys not wanting to be in therapy, or men in general not wanting to be in therapy, or men in general not wanting to be in therapy. You can do this by watching sports, working on a project or playing video games together. These shared experiences create opportunities for organic conversations and bonding. This is crucial because, as Farrell states, a boy and I want you to listen to this quote very closely a boy looks at his dad and sees the man he could become. Quote, end quote A boy looks at his dad and sees the man he could become. And on the flip side and this is my quote a girl looks at her dad and sees the man she wants to marry and be with. So that's why bonding through these shared activities is absolutely important and critical and it's a fun way. That's how men and boys operate and continue to do that, and we're not getting a ton of that right Like.
Speaker 1:I don't know about you, but with the video games and with all these passive activities that they're participating in. But even if you do play video games like I play video games with my daughters it's a fun little thing that we do. They're not super into it. I'm not super into video games anymore Once upon a time I was but that can even be just a fun, silly experience and conversations can lead from that and it also teaches different things and works on challenges and accomplishing things and fortitude and focus, et cetera. So the dad tip around, that is, find activities you both enjoy and make them a regular part of your routine.
Speaker 1:Use this time to listen and share. For example, if you both love cars, spend a Saturday afternoon working on a model car or working on a car, working on a car itself and doing some work I know one of the guys in our group is a phenomenal, phenomenal mechanic and he does that all the time and then use the time to talk about your interests and listen to others. It's a really non-confrontational way to get them to open up and talk with you about things, because it's not in an environment and look, I'm not bad-mouthing or talking down therapy. It's an important piece, but it's only a piece and a part of mental and emotional self-care, but it's also in kind of a sterile environment where you're sitting in a room with a stranger, and so it just is not as organic. And here's the other thing is we've gotten away from some of this stuff. It used to be and I know I'm going off on a challenge, guys, so just stick with me here. We only have one more key difference to go over and talk about.
Speaker 1:But when we had more of an agricultural society, we had multiple generations of men spending time with their children, working with them all day long. They saw the generational grandfathers and fathers working with sons and daughters and mothers and grandmothers, like we had that whole generational thing. We don't have that as much anymore. So that's why creating some of this stuff intentionally is incredibly important to do, and I know that some of you do it already. Naturally, I know I just love camping and being outside. We've done that since my daughters were very, very young, and so some of this stuff. But there's sometimes lots of pushback on it. So I just want you to know that doing it is important. If you're not doing it, try to find intentional ways to do it, but I suspect that mostly you are trying to do it, particularly if you're listening to this and you're getting pushed back. Just keep trying and keep doing it, because it's incredibly important. Okay, enough said.
Speaker 1:Back to number six teasing a tool for emotional intelligence. You probably have not ever heard that Teasing as a tool for emotional intelligence, when done with love and sensitivity. A father's playful teasing can help children develop emotional resilience and understand nuanced social interactions. Again, nuanced social interactions seems to be a difficult thing for people to figure out these days, and it's the increase in the divorce rate, more families that are separated, less time with fathers. Connect the dots. Anyway, it teaches them to navigate complex social situations and not take themselves too seriously. Wow, could society not benefit from not taking themselves too seriously? Wow, could society not, you know, benefit from not taking themselves too seriously, right? This aligns with Farrell's emphasis on developing social and emotional intelligence in boys and girls. So our dad tip for this is keep the teasing light and affectionate. Be attuned to your children's reaction, reaction and always balance it with plenty of sincere praise and affection. For example, playfully tease your child about their favorite sports team losing, but immediately follow up with genuine praise for their passion and their dedication.
Speaker 1:Okay, gentlemen, these unique aspects of fathering complement maternal parenting styles. Just to be clear, we're not saying anything poorly about how moms parent. They parent differently, and that's a positive, but we don't have anybody going over or after the way in which mothers parent. Actually, I think we're going so far, to the other end of the spectrum, like I said, that we're codifying or attempting to codify this way of parenting that is particularly not beneficial for our boys, but not beneficial in general for any of our kids, because all of the six keys that I just talked about are important for both boys and girls. So creating a balanced environment for our children's development is critical.
Speaker 1:Farrell's research shows that quote dad deprivation is not just correlated but is the single largest factor in a host of negative outcomes. I'll say that again. His research shows, dr Farrell's research shows that dad deprivation this is a quote dad deprivation is not just correlated but is the single largest factor in a host of negative outcomes. End quote. So by understanding and embracing these differences, we can foster more well-rounded, emotionally intelligent and resilient children.
Speaker 1:Remember, every family is unique. These roles aren't set in stone. Now, that's a whole other podcast and a whole other conversation. But the key is recognizing the value that different parenting styles bring to a child's life. So, dads, lean into your strengths and know that your unique approach to parenting is not just valuable, it is absolutely essential. Gentlemen, thank you so much for listening this week. I sincerely appreciate it. If you found some value in what we're talking about here today your unique role as a father in parenting and what those differences are Please share this far and wide on social media. Stop give us a star rating. Even better, leave a comment and it'll just encourage more dads out there to get the support that they need and deserve. Thank you so much. Have a terrific week and God bless.
