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The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads
Dads face unique issues during and after divorce. We identify and address the issues relevant to divorced/divorcing dads and create an action plan to survive and thrive!
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DISCLAIMER: The purpose of this podcast is to inform not influence. It is not a substitute for professional care or advice by a qualified professional. The host as well as guests who speak on this podcast express their own opinions, experience and conclusions, and The Divorced Dadvocate Podcast & Website neither endorses or opposes any particular views discussed here.
The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads
248 - Dear Divorced Dad: You Don't Have To Be Perfect
Divorce is tough. There’s no sugarcoating it. It’s a process that shakes the very foundation of your life, leaving you to navigate a storm of emotions, legal complexities, financial strains, and, most importantly, your relationship with your children. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or like you’re failing, you’re not alone. And here’s the truth: you don’t have to be perfect.
The reality is that you will struggle, and that’s okay. Struggle is not failure—it’s human. In fact, showing your kids that you can weather hard times with resilience will teach them one of the most valuable life lessons they can learn.
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Hello and welcome to the show. Thank you for tuning in this week. I sincerely appreciate it. Today we're going to be talking about struggles through divorce and the fact that you don't have to be perfect through it and after the divorce. But before we jump into that topic and I give you kind of the background around that, let's welcome Tim to the Divorced Advocate community. If you're not part of the community, check it out at thedivorcedadvocatecom. All kinds of resources for you, from paid to free. Just get engaged and get the help that you need and you deserve at thedivorcedadvocatecom.
Speaker 1:All right, so in our group meeting yesterday we had a guy that was struggling a bit and I could just empathize with him because during my divorce there was a time period where I felt a great amount of shame because of struggling and that I wasn't able to get through it and be perfect and be super dad, which I tried to do and almost kills everybody that might try to do that and so we were encouraged him to to just give himself some grace as well as uh as know that you're going to struggle through this. Divorce is tough. There's no sugar coating. It is a process that shakes the very foundation of our lives and it just leaves us navigating a storm of emotions and legal complexities, financial strains and then also our relationship with our kiddos. So you know, if you're feeling overwhelmed, exhausted or like you're failing, you're not alone, and so here's. The truth is that you're not going to be perfect, and you don't have to be perfect through this process. You're going to struggle, and that's okay, and struggling through this is not a failure. It's human. That you can weather hard times with resilience will teach them one of the most valuable life lessons they can learn. So what I wanted to do is talk about five of the different struggles that you're going to face and then give you just a couple of pointers on how to handle them. But I just want you to keep in mind through all of this is that you don't have to be perfect. Through all of this, you're going to struggle, everybody struggles through it, and it's okay to be struggling and maybe, hopefully, from some of the advice that I'm going to share with you today on how to handle this, you'll have some better strategies for dealing with this strategies for dealing with this, unlike the shame that was somewhat debilitating at time for me and for others that I know have gone through the process.
Speaker 1:So let's talk about number one, the emotional turmoil Divorce. You're going to be experiencing grief and you're mourning the loss of a life that you once had, and so anger, guilt, sadness and even relief can all hit at different times, and sometimes they will hit all at once in a matter of minutes or an hour. So the emotional roller coaster is up and down and all over the place. You've heard us talk about the different stages of grief here on the show, and also I've recommended that you look into that and understand those, because you're going to experience all of those and they're going to come, they're going to go, they're going to come at times that you don't necessarily know that they're coming up or don't want them to come up, like in the middle of work, and you're going to need to figure out how to handle it. So how do you handle it?
Speaker 1:The first thing I'll say is find an outlet. That can be and so that's going to be dependent upon the person. All of us have different ways in which we handle our emotions. Now I'm talking about find a healthy, obviously. So what not to do is get into substances and escape, et cetera. These emotions are not going to go away, so they will keep coming up until you deal with them. So stuff like therapy or journaling exercising is a great one. It's a great time, even if that's just a walk, to be able to start taking control of something. So by exercising, there's a lot of stuff you're not going to be able to control. So one thing you can is what you put into your body, how you take care of your body, what kind of exercise you get, etc. So that's a good one to definitely start with, and that works also not just mental, emotional parts of it, but it also helps you physically. So I always recommend to jump on that first. If anything else, you can talk with a trusted friend who can help you process the emotions in a healthy way.
Speaker 1:But, like I said, don't bottle it up your kids. So this is a fallacy that was hard for me to learn but it's also difficult sometimes for us as dads is that our kids don't need us to be seen as unshakable. It's just not realistic. They need to see us as human, and so saying stuff to them like dad is having a tough day, but I'll be okay, is absolutely okay. This models for them emotional intelligence and resilience. So our goal is to have them grow up to be healthy, functioning adults. The last thing you want them to do is to bottle up their emotions. As healthy and functioning adults, you're going to want them to be able to work through this stuff and talk about this stuff, so you have to be able to model that for them, and this is a great opportunity albeit a difficult and challenging one to do something like that and share with them that, hey, I'm having a tough day. Even if you let them see you break down and cry which was a hard thing for me to do the first time with my daughters it was much more healthy and a much more positive thing for them to be able to see that.
Speaker 1:So, dealing with the emotional turmoil, the second struggle you're likely to face is feeling like you're letting your kids down. This was a huge one for me and one that really was a source of a lot of the shame that I felt. You might feel shame or guilt for the upheaval your kids are experiencing. You might wonder if they blame you or if they'll be okay in the long run. I can definitively tell you, not only from my experience with my children, but also in working with thousands of other guys that children are resilient and they will be okay, even if you're experiencing them having some struggles or having some emotional issues or acting out or whatever, or whatever age appropriate behavior that they might be going through. They're going through their own thing too, so that's perfectly fine as well, but I guarantee you they are resilient and they will be okay.
Speaker 1:So how do you handle this feeling like you're letting your kids down, your kids down? The first thing I would say is show up, even when it's hard, and your kids don't need perfection, they need consistency. Let me say that again your kids don't need perfection, they need consistency. So us, as fathers, what we bring is that sense of being a rock, a consistent foundation that we will be there over and over and over again. We're not going to be there perfectly every time, but if we try to be present and listen and keep our promises, that consistency is the one thing, that one of the greatest things that they are looking to us for. And it doesn't have to be perfect, but just showing up and being there is okay, even if you are struggling, like I said, even if you're struggling, showing up, being there, sharing that with them, that you might be struggling. It might be a difficult time, but it's going to be okay. That is huge for them. Second part of this is remind yourself that divorce doesn't mean broken. This is hopefully a mindset that is going away, because you hear broken marriages, failed marriages, language like that which is unhealthy.
Speaker 1:A two household family can still be a loving, stable environment if you focus on quality time and emotional support so you can create that. It is incumbent upon you to create that. We've had a couple of great guests over the last couple of weeks. We've had a couple of great guests over the last couple of weeks, but the one about creating your environment and making that a comfortable and stable place for your kiddos very important. So just continue to show up, even when it's hard. It doesn't have to be perfect, just be consistent. And because it is a two-household family does not mean that anything is broken. You can create that stable environment. Just focus on when you're with them, that quality time, that emotional support, being present, listening, and make sure to keep your promises.
Speaker 1:Number three co-parenting challenges. Interacting with your ex, especially if it's contentious, can be one of the hardest parts. Disagreements about parenting styles, schedules or finances can create tension. So how do you handle this, particularly if it's a high-conflict divorce and you'll be parallel parenting and not co-parenting? And if you're not familiar with the difference between co-parenting, parallel parenting, go back. We've got a couple of episodes about the differences, what those definitions are and how you can handle it in specific detail. I'm going to give you three brief ones here. But this is one that just stresses people out. But this is one that just stresses people out, particularly because you're dealing with all the emotions of the end of the relationship and then you're having to co-parent with that person and so there's just all kinds of dynamics that go on with that.
Speaker 1:The first I would say is keep communication business-like. Treat it like a professional relationship. If you gotta just figure out how you're gonna get yourself into that mental, emotional state prior to transitions or communicating or whatever it might be, just stick to the facts, stay respectful and avoid personal confrontations or personal attacks. It's okay to talk about behaviors and to share behaviors that you're not comfortable with or you don't agree with, but when you do that, just make sure that it is done in a professional manner. That is just the facts, and that it's respectful and you're not attacking. Now that's difficult. I understand that it's respectful and you're not attacking. Now that's difficult, I understand, and it's challenging and there's a lot of emotions that get charged in that, but if you can try to do that, that will be very helpful. There's some tools, too, that you can use if necessary, like apps like Our Family Wizard or Talking Parents that keep your communications organized and reduces the conflict. It helps you to keep track of them. You can also write out the messages, leave them. I always think that's a good idea Write the message, wait 24 hours and then reread it and revise it if necessary.
Speaker 1:The last is don't use your kids as messengers. It's incumbent upon you, as the adult, to be the ones the adults to be the ones that are communicating about things. Keep them out of the adult conflicts to protect their emotional well-being, and so, even if that's not happening on the other side, you can say something like I'm so sorry that your mother is sharing these things with you or that she is discussing this stuff with you, but this is adult stuff that your mom and I will take care of. So if kids bring it up which they will do, especially if you have somebody that is not abiding by this and not creating a healthy situation for the kiddos. You can point out the behavior again that it's not appropriate and that you're sorry that that is happening. But you don't need to discuss with them what is going on or what they might be bringing up to you if it is not appropriate for them to be in the middle of it. So that's perfectly, perfectly fine, and just make sure not to do that yourself.
Speaker 1:Okay, number four is financial struggles. This is a huge one. There's going to definitely be a financial gut punch when you go through divorce, because it's a simple math equation One house into two is more expensive with the same amount of income. So you might be adjusting to child support payments, the legal fees or reduced income due to splitting the assets, whatever it might be. But there's going to be a difference and there's going to be a change for most of you. And how can you handle it? First is get on creating a realistic budget, list out your essentials and cut non-essentials if needed. So the earlier you get in front of this and pay attention to this, it's going to do a couple things. First, it's going to help you through the process of splitting assets, but also, if there's some sort of negotiation going on during the divorce to really know what you can and need to fight for in order to have a comfortable life post-divorce.
Speaker 1:Putting yourself in a bad situation or becoming a martyr to just get the process done or for whatever reason, sets yourself up for a difficult post-divorce, and that's not healthy for your kiddos. If you're stressed out about finances or you've got to pick up extra jobs or you just have no money, and that is weighing on you, that weighs on everybody. So if you're in survival mode all the time, then that's going to make it difficult for you to be present, to be able to listen, to do what you need to do as a dad. So make sure to get in front of that and and then that's going to set you up by creating that realistic budget that's going to help you to know and understand what you got to negotiate for and the lifestyle then that you can and want to create then post divorce. So do that sooner than later. Don't bury your head in the sand on that.
Speaker 1:The next would be don't be afraid to ask for help around finances. Find a financial advisor or a friend, somebody that can help you plan for stability and growth. Some of us are great at it. Some of us are not great at it, so if you are great at it, terrific, get on it. Make sure to do it. If you're not, seek out help. And here's a funny thing, fellas, is that you're going to be amazed by the number of people that are willing to give you help if you ask. There are so many people that have gone through this difficult and challenging time that they're going to be more than happy to help you through it and share whatever they can to facilitate the process for you and help you out. So don't be afraid to ask for help, and by and large, every single guy that I ever talked to that has been afraid to ask for help and then has asked for help has been just amazed that so many people were there willing to help out. So don't be afraid. It's a sign of strength, not a sign of weakness.
Speaker 1:The last is teach your kids financial responsibility, and so we talk about this as divorce is an opportunity for lots of things, and I know that's again hard to get your mind around sometimes, but you can use this as a chance to show them how to manage money wisely and adjust when needed. That's going to happen in their lifetime. It happens in all of our lifetimes and, again, our goal is to help them to become healthy, functioning adults. So using this time to share with them again, age appropriately, things that might be happening, and teaching them how to manage their money wisely and adjust when needed, is an opportunity that is going to serve them in their adult life. I was having a conversation this week with my daughters and we were talking about eating healthy, and I really appreciate what one of my daughters said. She said you know, daddy, even when we didn't have a lot of money, we ate healthy, and so that made me happy and proud for a couple of reasons. One is that we talk about eating healthy and taking care of bodies and stuff, so that's that's been impressed upon her, but also that it doesn't have to be expensive, that you and that that she did recognize and understood that, even though we were struggling and we did have difficulties, that we were making sure to do what it is that we for your kids. It's not the opportunity that I would have chosen right Going into, into having kids and and and the life that I had planned, but this is how it worked out and it's just crazy how how things work and it works to the positive. So, so just if you can adopt that mindset and I know that it's hard, depending on where you're at in the process but there is opportunity in all of this difficulty and challenging situation.
Speaker 1:Isolated or like you've lost your identity, or both actually, I would say. By and large, I would say everybody struggles with loneliness post-divorce, especially if you're in a full-time household with your kids in a family dynamic and structure. Those quiet nights alone then, when you don't have the kids and then you don't have your spouse there anymore, then can sometimes just be challenging and even unbearable. So how can we handle that? The first is make sure not to self-isolate. So, if you have opportunities, reconnect with yourself through hobbies and passions or activities that you may have neglected or ones that you can pick up and start doing, but do not self-isolate yourself into just being alone. The second would be build a support network. We talk about this all the time. Lean on your friends, join a dad's group like the Divorced Advocate Community, or see community spaces where you feel understood. Meetupcom is a great place. Eventbrite is a great place to look and see different clubs and groups that are going on. Your church community is a great one as well. They've always got different clubs and groups that are going on. Your church community is a great one as well. They've always got different types of groups that may have things going on as well, but just find some support, build a support network and connect with people.
Speaker 1:And the last one is the one that you hear me preach over and over and over and over and over and over and over again and it's the first question I ask when I'm doing one-on-ones with guys is prioritizing your self care? Eat well, get enough, rest, stay active. It is much easier to be there for your kids when you're taking care of yourself. It's that mentality. If you got to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on somebody else, you're not going to be able to be there and help them if you are not in a mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually solid place. And it doesn't have to be perfect, right, it just needs to be ever increasingly improving. But you're not going to be able to be there for them if you're not taking care of some of those things Again, not perfectly, you just need to be consistent and be there for them. So here's the long and short of it.
Speaker 1:Fellas is struggling doesn't make you a bad dad. You're going to struggle through this process. You're going to struggle post-divorce. It is a big, huge change. I struggled. Every single dad that I've talked to that has gone through it struggles. You are going to struggle and that's okay. You're not a bad dad. It does not make you a bad dad. It makes you a real dad.
Speaker 1:So your kids don't need super dad. They don't need a superhero. There's no such thing. They need a father who shows them that the challenges are part of life and that they can be faced with resiliency and humility and growth. So when they see you acknowledge your mistakes, work through the hardships and still show up for them, they learn that life isn't mistakes. Work through the hardships and still show up for them. They learn that life isn't about never falling, it's about getting back up. I know that seems cliche and it sounds cliche, but it is an absolute truth that it is an absolute truth.
Speaker 1:They're going to have hardships in their adult life and what you want them to do is be able to get up from those hardships and continue on. And this is your opportunity to show them that they see that emotions aren't to be feared but to be understood. So by sharing with them about that, then that helps them to be able to share about theirs and understand more about theirs. They see that change isn't the end. It's just the start of a new chapter. That is huge. Gentlemen, this can be seen as the start of a new chapter that they will know and there's going to be so much change through their lives that they will be able to see and know that, by adapting and dealing with this difficult change, that there can be some positives and huge potential positive outcomes on the backside. So finally, fellas, give yourself grace. You're not failing, you're adapting and in doing so, you're teaching your children one of the greatest lessons of all how to navigate life's storms with strength and heart. Gentlemen, stay strong. You've got this.
Speaker 1:If you found some value in what I shared with you today, please share it far and wide on social media. Give us a star rating on a podcast platform that you're listening to. Even give us a comment. That would help as well. That you're listening to. Even give us a comment. That would help as well. But let's share the message with more dads that are going through or post-divorce so that they can get the help that they need as well. Thank you so much for listening. I sincerely appreciate it. God bless and have a great week.
