The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads

249 - Dating as a Divorced Dad: Finding the Right Woman

• Jude Sandvall • Season 5 • Episode 249

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Dating after divorce is a different game, especially when you're a father. You have more at stake than just your personal happiness—you need to think about how a new relationship will impact your children, your stability, and your future. The woman you choose to date should not only align with your personal goals but also integrate well into your family. Here’s a breakdown of the types of women that may be beneficial to your situation and those who are better suited for recreational dating rather than marriage.

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Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome to the show. Thank you for tuning in this week and we've got a great topic. It is dating as a divorced dad finding the right woman for you and your family. I know that some of you listening probably this is the last thing on your mind, so that's okay, but there's some good tips and tidbits in here for you to put in the back of your mind when you're going through this process, because I think most guys that I talk to want to have a healthy and good, positive relationship, romantic relationship once they're finished with their divorce, post-divorce in Life 2.0. So just put it in the back of your mind. If you're not there. If you are there, then I've got quite a bit to talk about on this and this is only going to be the tip of the iceberg.

Speaker 1:

But before we jump in, let me welcome some new folks. We've got a bunch of new folks this week in the Divorced Advvocate community. That is Michael, catherine. Yes, we do have quite a few women in the community that do share this information with their brothers, their friends, their sons, et cetera, that need some support going through divorce. So welcome, catherine. Also, daniel Travis and James. Welcome to the Divorce Advocate community If you're not part of the community. Check it out at thedivorcedadvocatecom. There are all kinds of resources for you, wherever you are at financially. There are free resources, there are paid resources. It's just resources that you need. So get the help that you deserve at thedivorcedadvocatecom and check it out. All right.

Speaker 1:

So let's talk about finding the right woman for you and your family. Obviously, dating after divorce is a different game, depending also on how long ago it was that you had been dating. It is a whole different world out there, but it is especially when you're a father. You have more at stake than just your personal happiness. You need to think about how a new relationship will impact your children, your stability and your future. The woman you choose to date should not only align with your personal goals, but also integrate well into your family, and that there is a key thing about the whole dating after divorce. So here's a breakdown of the types of women that may be beneficial to your situation and those who are better suited for recreational dating rather than marriage. This is all going to depend upon what your goal is. Depend upon what your goal is, what your values are and what you want to see and how you want to proceed in your life 2.0 after divorce.

Speaker 1:

First let's talk about women that may be a good fit, and then we will talk about women that may not be a good fit, that you might want to just consider dating casually and may not be suitable for marriage. First, women that may be a good fit, and there's really only one category as far as I'm concerned, and those are women without children. And while this might seem counterintuitive, women without children actually blend more easily into your family dynamic, especially if they're open to dating a man with kids. If they're not open to that, that's understandable and we're going to touch on that in the second half of this. But the reason why is they don't come with their own set of co-parenting challenges. Come with their own set of co-parenting challenges, custody schedules or emotional baggage from an ex-husband that they have to see and deal with on a regular basis. So if your household is already stable and that's key introducing someone new without extra complications can create a smoother transition for your kids. However, it's crucial that she genuinely embraces the idea of being a stepmother figure if the relationship progresses toward marriage.

Speaker 1:

Gentlemen, that unless you are interested in somebody and get to know somebody to the extent that you want to have them in a long-term relationship or you want to get married to them, that you do not introduce them to your kiddos until such time, and that takes months, if not years, of dating before that can happen. I speak from making this mistake myself, so take heed on that for sure it has an impact on your kiddos, dr Robert. So, on this point of embracing the motherhood and also making this transition of somebody that can fit into your environment, dr Robert Glover, who's the author of no More Mr Nice Guy, which is a fantastic book that I highly recommend, and he talks about this. He emphasizes the importance of a man creating his own life and environment rather than molding himself to fit a woman's expectations. So the principle is especially relevant for divorced dads. For you, gentlemen, your household already has an established rhythm, traditions and parenting structure, and you hear me talk about it all the time, and for those of you that are going through it, it might not be quite there yet, but you are working on it, if you're listening and implementing what we talk about in this, on this podcast.

Speaker 1:

So any woman who enters into your life should fit into that, not the other way around. So this is very, very important. She should respect the structure you've built for your children rather than attempting to pose her own vision of family life. So, additionally, a woman without children may have more flexibility in doing just that which is adjusting to your lifestyle, provided she is mature enough to handle the reality of dating a father, and that's really, really important. She must be willing to embrace your role as a dad and not see your children as competition for attention. The right woman, fellas, will recognize that and she will recognize that she is joining an already established family unit and will seek to enhance it rather than disrupt it.

Speaker 1:

Let me go through that last section again, because this is important to keep in your mind when you are getting to know somebody, when you are getting to know their values, when you are asking them questions, which you should be doing up front, early on in the relationship and not just kind of guessing about what's going on. A woman without children may have more flexibility in adjusting to your lifestyle, provided she is mature enough to handle the realities of dating a father. Those realities are that you have a job, that you're balancing quite a bit, that you have children, that you have schedules, that you have an ex that you've got to deal with. So she's got to be mature enough to handle the realities of dating you. She must be willing to embrace your role as a dad and not see your children as competition for attention. This is hard these days in a world of women that want nonstop attention. We see it on Instagram and Facebook and TikTok and everywhere else around. So be cognizant of that as a red flag and the right woman is going to recognize that she's joining an already established family unit and she will seek this is the most important part here. I'm underlining it for myself as well that she will seek to enhance rather than disrupt it. Now Dr Robert Glover talks about in his book that she is the icing on the cake. That is not diminishing anything or any woman. It's just that you have created this cake, this beautiful environment and this lifestyle, and she is the icing on the cake. So something to keep in mind. So that is a woman that will be a good fit to date after your divorce.

Speaker 1:

Now let's talk about women that may not be a good fit, women to date casually, that you might not want to consider or think about getting into a long-term relationship or even marry. The first of those are a woman who has no interest in a blended family. It seems really straightforward, and some women are going to be upfront about not wanting to take on a motherly role, and that's fine. If they're just looking for fun and you are clear about your own boundaries and that's key then that's fine. Just don't expect anything long-term and don't try to get into anything long-term. Be cautious. But here's the other thing is, some will say that and their actions don't support it. So make sure that the actions support what it is that they're actually saying. So some will be upfront about that, but some won't be, and their actions will not support what they're doing. Always look to the actions, gentlemen. That's going to tell you exactly how she feels and what she thinks about you and the situation. So, like I said, just don't expect anything long-term. It's fine. This could be casual.

Speaker 1:

Just be very cautious about the risk of dating women who are emotionally unavailable or maybe emotionally unstable and or do not share your values. A woman who lacks emotional maturity or stability can create unnecessary drama and chaos in these situations and with your children. And if she does not respect your priorities as a father or tries to create division or is looking for attention all the time, it's best to keep your distance. Ensuring that your values align is essential to maintaining a peaceful and drama-free personal life. I am going to point you to the book by Dr Sean Smith that is the Tactical Guide to Women. It is the best book that I've ever read for dating. The first half of it talks exactly about that, which is ensuring that your values align. You need to know what your values are in order to be able to see if those align with somebody, and the first half of his book talks about how you can do that. It's Dr Sean Smith, the Tactical Guide to Women. Read it, gentlemen. Read it early. Keep one on your shelf. Go back and reference it. It is all kinds of pearls of wisdom and he's been on the show multiple times. Go back and look for some of his episodes, and actually we should probably get him back on the show here again soon.

Speaker 1:

Number two woman to date casually, but maybe not for a long-term relationship or marriage. That is, women who are financially unstable or just looking for somebody as a provider. Not that being a provider protector is a bad thing, but as a divorced dad, you likely already have financial obligations related to your children and your ex. Be wary of women who view you as a meal ticket rather than a partner. If she's consistently struggling to manage her own finances, marriage could expose you to many unnecessary legal and financial risks. You do not want that and you do not want to repeat if you've already had that happen a second time. A woman who lacks financial responsibility will bring instability into your life, creating stress and more unnecessary burdens.

Speaker 1:

If she has a history of debt, irresponsible spending or an expectation that you will take care of her financially without contributing to the relationship, this is a major, major red flag. This is where you need to have those conversations. You need to ask those difficult and sometimes uncomfortable questions early on when you are dating in order to find out and understand her situation. Additionally, some women may see a financially stable, single father as a safety net rather than a true partner, which can lead to an imbalanced and unhealthy dynamic. Again, all red flags, fellas things that you got to be aware of, things that you got to ask questions about and make decisions about. So it's crucial to observe how she handles her money early on. Again, that's key. Does she live beyond her means? Is she financially in distress? Does she have unrealistic expectations about finances, lifestyle or your financial role in her life. These are critical questions. Ask them before you get too involved.

Speaker 1:

A solid relationship, fellas, is built on mutual support, mutual responsibility and not financial dependency. All right, the last one that you should date casually may not be one that is good for a long-term relationship or for marriage is single moms, and while this may be a surprise to you, and it's definitely one that is not touted out there it may not be an ideal match, and the reason being is due to shared parent. So, okay, let me go back. While it might seem that single moms may seem like an ideal match due to the fact that they share parenting experiences and they might be co-parenting, you might feel like they have a knowledge or understanding about kids, et cetera, there are many, many challenges to consider. Let's talk about some of them, because society treats single mothers and single fathers very differently.

Speaker 1:

Fellas Often and this is the big one discounting the unique strengths fathers bring to parenting. We've talked about it many times on this podcast, and we've talked about it mostly in the context of how important you are in your kiddos' lives, in why how you parent as a father is something that they can't get anywhere else. This is not something that you hear, but it's also important because there is this mentality out there held by many women, many single women, single mothers and so that often discount the unique strength fathers bring to parenting. So many single mothers are used to just making unilateral decisions and they may expect you to conform to their parenting style, which is very different than your parenting style, and they want you to do that rather than embracing your masculine, your natural masculine approach to fatherhood. So if she does not recognize and respect the differences in how men and women parents, or if she expects you to defer to her decisions rather than co-parenting as equals, you should absolutely positively stay away Again, setting those boundaries up front early, talking about those and knowing and understand that this is not somebody that I should get into a long-term relationship with or should consider for marriage.

Speaker 1:

A woman who truly understands the differences between what men with dads and moms bring to parenting and is willing to embrace your leadership in parenting may be an exception. Okay, so she has to understand those things and she may be the exception. The challenge is that's not a ton of what's out there, so it's crucial to assess her mindset before committing to anything serious. So let's talk about how you can gauge her perspective on fatherhood, and that is simply by observing her relationship with her ex. Does she encourage and support her children spending time with their father? Does she speak respectfully about him in front of the kids, acknowledging his role in their lives, or does she make co-parenting difficult, using the children as leverage or undermining his authority? A woman who respects the importance of a father's role, even if her relationship with her ex did not work out, is more likely to appreciate and support your role as a father. If she fosters a healthy co-parenting dynamic with her ex, it's a strong indication that she values fatherhood and won't create unnecessary friction when it comes to your own parenting approach.

Speaker 1:

So be very, very careful with this gentleman, because this is one of the most difficult and challenging circumstances and, I believe, the biggest misconception out there that oh yes, single moms, that's the perfect situation, that's the perfect person, because they're parenting and they understand all that. I believe that to be a fallacy because of what we just described. There are differences and there are differences in how parenting would be doing fathers and mothers work, and it's also the societal thing in which how father's parent is being very, very discounted, which, how father's parent is being very, very discounted. So, again, you've got to be paying attention, you've got to be asking questions, you need to be discerning and you need to be making smart choices. So, on that last note of smart choices, let's talk, now that we've talked about potentially good partners and people that are someone that could be a long-term relationship or marriage, and ones that you should maybe be very cognizant or very wary of being in relationships. Let's talk about protecting yourself from legal pitfalls, because a long-term relationship, or even marriage, is a serious commitment and, as a divorced father, you should be extremely cautious before entering another legally binding agreement. The court system favors mothers in custody battles, and if your first divorce was a tough lesson in that reality, you don't want to repeat the same mistake.

Speaker 1:

So, before considering getting into a long-term relationship with someone, or even marrying them, let's talk about a few things. First is consider a prenuptial agreement. It's not about a lack of love. It's about ensuring your children's future and the environment that you've created for them is protected. A prenuptial agreement can safeguard the assets you've worked hard to build, ensuring that your children's financial stability is not jeopardized by a potential second divorce. Without one, you could face significant legal and financial consequences if things don't work out and look guys, the cards are stacked against you. Work out and look guys, the cards are stacked against you. If you're going through it, you may have already experienced that, but be upfront about this from the beginning. If she resents the idea, it could be a red flag off the bat regarding her true intentions, so bring it up Again. Have those difficult and those uncomfortable conversations early on difficult and those uncomfortable conversations early on. The next is take your time.

Speaker 1:

Rushing into a long-term relationship or second marriage could be even riskier than the first. It's easy to fall into the trap of wanting companionship or stability or help with the kids or whatever it might be. But don't let your emotions cloud your judgment. I speak from experience on this. Really, take your time. Observe how she handles disagreements, how she handles financial decisions, how she handles your role as a father, if she's patient and understanding or if she pressures you into making commitments before you're ready. Those are two things that you need to be cognizant of.

Speaker 1:

A long-term relationship should feel stable and balanced, not rushed or forced. Let me say that again A long-term relationship should feel stable and balanced, not rushed or forced. Think about this in the context of building constructing something like a house or a building. A firm foundation will be stable and balanced, right. It takes time to build that stable and balanced foundation. You cannot rush building that foundation for anything, whether it's construction or relationships. You do not rush it and do not force it. Okay, take your time.

Speaker 1:

Another is watch for the red flags. Do not ignore the red flags if she's pushing for a long-term relationship or marriage, or more time, and is overly interested in your financial situation or maybe dismisses your concerns about custody and finances. Be very, very cautious. Dr Sean Smith talks about red flags to pay attention to. He also talks about green flags in much more detail than I'm talking about today in his book, also the tactical guide to women, so check that out. That's the second half of the book, which is absolutely tremendous.

Speaker 1:

Pay attention to how she reacts when you discuss your children's well-being and your need for legal protections. If she's not interested, if she doesn't want to have conversations about it, she's not asking about your kids and their well-being. That is a big red flag. If she becomes defensive or downplays your concerns, she may not have your best interest at heart. Look for consistency in her actions. Okay, this is another one. This is a red flag for emotional instability. Does she respect your boundaries or does she subtly manipulate situations to her advantage? Or just in general? A healthy relationship should enhance your life. She should enhance your life the icing on the cake, not introduce new risks or uncertainty or chaos or disruptions. I'll say that again A healthy relationship should include her enhancing your life, not introducing new risks or uncertainties or chaos or disruption. All right, and finally, if you haven't already started to work on it and figure it out before any of this happens, you need to learn from your past relationship.

Speaker 1:

Before jumping into a new one, especially one that's going to be a long-term relationship or potentially a marriage, take the time to deeply reflect on why your marriage did not work. Many men, and me included, rush into a new relationship without addressing the underlying issues, that relational dynamic that contributed to their divorce, only to find themselves repeating the same mistake. I finally got to the point where it was like, hey, there's one common denominator it's the same woman I'm attracting, the same relational dynamic. And until I change myself, until I figure out how to break that relational dynamic, I'm gonna keep having the same relationship, and only when I figured that out did I have much better and healthier relationships. So self-awareness is crucial in ensuring that history does not repeat itself.

Speaker 1:

Some things for you to ask yourself, fellas. What specific issues led to the breakdown of my marriage? Was it poor communication? Mismatched values which is a big one that often happens or unaddressed conflicts, things that were ignored? Were there red flags that I ignored early on? Did I overlook behaviors that later became significant problems and not address them? Did I not take leadership in that, in paying attention to those bringing those up having those difficult and uncomfortable conversations? Did I establish and enforce healthy boundaries, or did I allow dysfunction to persist? What did I need in a partner now? What do I need in a partner now versus what I wanted before? Have my priorities shifted since my divorce, which probably they have Again? That book from Dr Sean Smith is going to be a great one for you to assess that. How did I contribute to the failure of my marriage? That's a great question. And what personal growth do I need before committing to someone new? Those are just a slew of questions that you can ask Again. Get Dr Smith's book, go through it, learn and assess what those values are? Ask yourself some of these questions. All right, my final thoughts.

Speaker 1:

Dating as a divorced dad isn't just about what you want. You might want companionship, you might be lonely, but you've got many, many more things that you've gotta consider. There are a lot more risks involved this time around. It's about what's best for not only yourself, but also your many more things that you've got to consider. There are a lot more risks involved this time around. It's about what's best for not only yourself, but also your family.

Speaker 1:

Choosing the right type of woman can make all the difference in creating a peaceful and fulfilling life after divorce. It can be fantastic and glorious. It can help you model for your children a healthy and functional relationship that you want them to have when they're adults. So it is a good and positive thing. But, as you know, because you're going through this or you've gone through this, who you pick is critical. A strong, healthy relationship can add value to your life, but only if it's built on that right foundation that we talked about. All right, fellas, I hope you found some value in this episode this week. If you did, please share it far and wide with other divorced or divorcing dads. Share it on social media Pause. Give us a star rating or a comment that helps us immensely. Check out the website at divorcedadvocatecom. Get involved in the community and get the support that you deserve and need. Thank you so much for listening this week. God bless.

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Jude Sandvall: The Divorced Dadvocate

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