The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads

251 - The Art of Losing Control

• Jude Sandvall • Season 5 • Episode 251

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Divorce can feel like your life is spinning out of control—and in many ways, it is. You’re not just splitting up a relationship. You’re restructuring your family, finances, home life, and daily routines. It’s easy to get caught up in the chaos, trying to manage everything, fix everything, and control the uncontrollable. But here’s the truth: mastering the art of losing control is how you survive this. And, paradoxically, it’s how you gain real control where it counts.

Let’s break it down—what you can control, what you can’t, and what to do about it.

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Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome to the show. I am thrilled that you are here today and our topic that we will be chatting about is the art of losing control. We're going to talk about things that you can and cannot control through this process. It's an important topic, particularly if you're somebody like me who wanted to have everything planned with a plan A, b, c through Z. But before we jump into our topic, let me welcome some new members to our community, that is, lakshmi, david, jay and Stefan. Welcome to the Divorced Advocate community. If you are not part of the community yet, check it out at thedivorcedadvocatecom and find the resources that you need and you deserve to get through this challenging time. There are all kinds of things there, so check it out. We had a great group meeting on Saturday morning with lots of guys and lots of great conversation. You can check out the replay of that behind the paywall in the membership area. It was highly, highly, highly recommended. I think that it was one of the best conversations we've had in five years in our group meeting. So check that out as well and become a member and check out the DivorcedAdvocatecom.

Speaker 1:

All right, the art of losing control. So I don't probably have to tell you. But divorce can feel like your life is spinning out of control, and in many ways it might not be spinning out of control, but it is going to be out of your control. And you're not just splitting up a relationship or your romantic relationship, your marriage, but what you're actually doing is you're restructuring your family and your finances and your home life and daily routines. Everything's getting reconfigured and it's easy to get caught up in the chaos, trying to manage everything. Maybe if you're, because we're guys maybe trying to fix everything and trying to control what is uncontrollable. But here's the truth Mastering the art of losing control is how you're going to survive this and, paradoxically, it's how you're going to gain real control where it counts, and I know that might be hard to get your head around right now. It was for me and remained so very long after my divorce until I figured this out. But bear with me.

Speaker 1:

Let's break it down and we're going to talk about what you control, what you can control, what you can't control and what you can do about it. So the first part we're going to talk about is what you can control, and number one is you can control your reactions. You can't control how your ex behaves. You can't control what they're going to say in court. You can't control how they're going to treat you, but you can control how you respond. And so an example of this would be your ex sends a hostile text about being late to drop off the kids. You might feel angry, your anger might spike, but instead of firing back, you take a breath, you read it twice, maybe put it aside and don't respond for 24 hours and then compose a calm and composed message back to her. So some advice on this with your reactions.

Speaker 1:

And so what I'm going to recommend here is we've talked in detail in most of these points and these tips in other podcast episodes and talked in detail about how to go into things like, for instance, this one. The advice would be practice the pause, don't reply in the heat of the moment. We've talked about things like that, about how to create strategies around managing your emotions and handling those. So go back, take a look at some of those podcast episodes that'll give you some real specific details and go into details on how you can do that. But the advice for this one in controlling your reactions is just pause, don't reply in the heat of the moment.

Speaker 1:

There's many different ways that you can do that. Another is keep communications brief, factual and emotion free. Just the facts and no emotions, no accusations, no feelings about any of that. Just keep it very businesslike. And the last one is document everything without escalating conflict Document, document, document. We've talked about this in the past. Also, we've talked about how to do this in the past as well. It's very important, particularly if you're in a high conflict situation, or you're in a situation that is high conflict and with somebody that might have some mental, emotional issues going on that are creating challenges.

Speaker 1:

So that is the first one. Control that you. The thing. That is the first thing that you can control, which is your reactions, the first thing that you can't control, which is your reactions. The second is how you show up for your kids. You might not get the custody schedule that you want right away, but every minute you do have with your kids is yours to shape. I will say, I say it, I try to say it every single week but and you've probably heard me say it before but there is nothing else in the world that your kids need more than their time with their father. There's nothing else that can replace you in the world. There are things that they need from you that only you can provide to them as a father. So it is absolutely critical that you are able to be there and show up for your kids. So maybe you're only seeing them on the weekends now and instead of overcompensating with, say, gifts or trying to be the fun dad, just be there to listen, play and be consistent.

Speaker 1:

I can tell you absolutely positively that the things that the kiddos are going to remember are not going to be anything that they bought, that you bought, that you brought to them any material thing. It's going to be times that you spent with them, maybe places that you bought, that you brought to them any material thing. It's going to be times that you spent with them, maybe places that you've gone. Some of the things that my daughters bring up as memories are just unbelievable to me that that would be a memory that would stick with them, and most often they were things that I hadn't even thought or planned would be something that would be, or it wasn't just even like a grand plan of anything. It was just moments together that they remember and times that we created together.

Speaker 1:

So some advice on how to show up for your kids Stick to routines, especially during this time period. Kids need stability right now. So if you've got a parenting plan, try to stick to that parenting plan and make sure. I understand that some people's schedules are different and challenging and whatnot, but if you can stick to a parenting plan and make sure to just go along with that, then it will help them. They're experiencing the same uncertainty and chaos in their minds and have a lot less abilities to process those than you do. So if you can stick to routines and that would also go for sticking, to, say, bedtime routines and morning routines the more routines that you can that you can create for them, the the better. And this is a great thing that we do as dads in creating structures around around things for them.

Speaker 1:

So same with, maybe when they come to you, that we have a podcast where we talked about a way to welcome them back into your environment, creating your environment. One of the things we did was pizza and movie night every Friday when they came back to me, so that they knew and they were able to just be able to relax back into a different environment, to just be able to relax back into a different environment and when you're thinking about it from their standpoint, they're literally living in two different environments all the time and as much as you might try with your ex to keep things mostly the same and consistent and that's if you have an amicable, good communication with your ex it's still going to be different and they're still going to be living in two different environments. So imagine what that's like for yourself, on a daily basis, to have to be out of your routine or be in one routine or be in one environment one week or whatever the schedule is, and then have to go to another one. So creating a way to welcome them back into that environment and help them feel comfortable by creating those routines is a great thing for them. That gives them a sense of security and a sense of stability.

Speaker 1:

The other thing you can do to show up for your kids is focus on quality over quantity. One focused hour is better than a distracted day, and I think that if there is one of the greatest things that came out of my divorce was that it helped me to learn to focus in on and become a heart-centered present father with my kiddos and not that I wasn't before, it just made me hyper-aware of the time that I did and didn't have with them and helped me to make sure that that time that we did have together was very focused. Have together was very focused. The last is to make sure not to ever trash talk your ex Never, ever, ever. Your kids are not your therapist and that is going to only do more harm than it's going to do good. Whether or not you like it, your children identify with both parents. No matter what kind of behavior they might be exhibiting, the things that they might be doing, your kid still derives some part of their identity from your ex. So when you trash your ex, you are literally trashing your child and they internalize that. So make sure not to do that. Now.

Speaker 1:

That's not to say you can point out behaviors that you are not comfortable with or that you don't like or that are different from what you value. You can talk about that, but you can do that in a dispassionate way by describing just specifically the behavior and why you are not comfortable with that or why you don't like that behavior. And that can be if your ex is trashing you and say something to the fact that I'm sorry that your mom is having this conversations with you. It is an adult conversation that shouldn't be had and I'm sorry. And so that's just an example of pointing out a behavior and not saying anything bad. Not saying anything personal. You didn't say that she was a bad person etc. You just said the behavior, it was not acceptable and that you're sorry that it's happening to them, because we are sorry that it's happening to them, because it's because it makes it more difficult for them through this process. That is number two.

Speaker 1:

Number three, on what you can control through this process is your physical and your mental health. Divorce hits hard emotionally and physically, but your health is your foundation. This is one of the things that we were talking about this weekend on the group call. There were a couple of guys that were just literally in the beginning of this process and asked what they need to do to prepare for this, and one of the top two things was to make sure to take care of yourself. You hear me talk about making sure that you take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually. An example if you're sleeping badly, drinking more, skipping meals, recognize the patterns and decide to shift those and get better sleep, stop drinking and don't skip any meals Some advice to take care of yourself physically and mentally, and we've got a ton of podcasts on this stuff, so go back and read about it.

Speaker 1:

We've got some fitness ones, we've got some ones on how to do meditation, how to journal all kinds of different ones. So find what works for you, go back, listen and then start refining some of these, but make sure you're taking care of those four legs of the stool mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. And some advice around this is move your body every day, even if it's just a walk. Our bodies are meant to be in movement and not just to be sitting and lethargic and in non-movement. So even if you're just getting out and walking for 15 minutes a day, make sure that your body is out, is getting movement, getting exercise. Ideally, you're working your way up to some resistance training and workout, maybe some cardio whatever works for you.

Speaker 1:

A good thing to do with this also is you can find different activities that you're interested in. That can be maybe hiking, that you can find other people to go with. That's a good thing to do during this process, so you're not self-isolating, that you're with other people, you're talking with other people and you're getting exercise. Meetupcom is a great place for that. All kinds of different community-oriented things around, different activities that you like to do that you can find there and then also get the physical activity that you need.

Speaker 1:

Another is eat real food, not processed food, not fast food, none of the crap food. Your body needs the fuel in order to keep the engines going. You're going to be burning a lot of calories through the thought process of this just alone, if you're, like me, thinking about everything that's going on. So make sure that you're eating real foods, preparing real foods and not skipping meals, stay hydrated and make sure that your body has the ability to heal itself, to rest itself, etc. Another is, if you have the means to do so, talk to a therapist or a counselor. There's absolutely no shame in that. Talking to a third party that is not somebody that has any kind of vested interest in what's going on. Your friends and family are great, but they have a bias in what is going on. So, if you have the ability to do so, therapy or a counselor, or join the Divorced Advocate and come to our group meetings. And what inevitably happens with the group meetings is guys connect offline in these group meetings and then end up in friendships all across this country. That's. That, then, is something that moves forward and helps them through the through the process and having somebody else that's either going through it or been through that as well. So come to our group meetings as well.

Speaker 1:

And the last one, I'll say, is really, really important, because our emotions are going to be all over the place during this. We talked also on Saturday about the grief process and, for those of you familiar with it, if you're not, go back We've got several episodes also on grief and the different parts of the grief process and how to get through it. But you're going to have all kinds of emotions going on during this time. Do not numb the pain. That's huge. Do not numb the pain. Process the pain. Find skills and tools, if you don't already have them, to recognize that you're having these emotions come up, and these emotions might be sadness, they might be anger, they might be worry, whatever it might be, but just it might be fear. Just identify that something's coming up and do not numb it. Just identify that something's coming up and do not numb it. Stay away from the traditional things drinking or drugs, or it could be even over exercising or partying or whatever it might be but make sure to identify it and then find ways. We talk about meditation in some episodes, we talk about journaling in some episodes. So go back and find what you want to try and then start working through and processing, but do absolutely positively, do not numb the pain that you're going to go through or that you are going through.

Speaker 1:

The last one, number four, on what you can control, is your legal strategy. You cannot predict the outcome of courts, but you can show up prepared, informed and with the right team. I had lunch with one of the guys in our group yesterday and we were talking about this, as he's in a high conflict post-divorce situation where they're going back and litigating some things in court, which happens lots of the time. Especially, it only takes one person not to cooperate and you have to end up in court in front of the judge going to trial, and that one person will usually be the same person that's not cooperating throughout the process and you're going to be in court. One person will usually be the same person that's not cooperating throughout the process and you're going to be in court for probably much of the duration of your co-parenting and your post-divorce life. That's just the way that it is and it's unfortunate, but you've heard me talk about it in how to select an attorney. The last one about communicating with your attorney and how to communicate with your attorney more effectively. We've got lots of podcast episodes on that.

Speaker 1:

But an example of how you can control your legal strategy is your ex has a lawyer who plays hard ball and, instead of panicking, you invest in a lawyer who listens, explains and builds a strategy based on facts, not emotions. Now, that's kind of a generic example. I'll be honest, that takes a little more parsing through, if you will around that, but you are the coach of this and I cannot emphasize this enough. You are the coach of this divorce process and it is incumbent upon you. The attorneys are the people who understand and are helping you to traverse the legal process. Outside of that, they are not great. They're not the strategists around this. They're not your therapist. They do not know the full scale of the circumstances in your family, no matter how much you might be able to explain to them and what you might be able to provide to them. So you are ultimately going to be the one making the decisions going through this process.

Speaker 1:

So, if you liken it to a coach, you've got to know and you've got to understand the positions, what they can and cannot do, what the attorney can and cannot do. Your attorney can help you understand the legal process and help facilitate you getting through that legal process. They can't help you with your mental, emotional state. So that's where you would need somebody else on your team, like a therapist on your team, like a therapist. They're not experts in how to divide assets or how to value assets or how to even just figure out who's going to get the home, et cetera. That's where you need a real estate agent and or a mortgage broker, or somebody that's going to help you to figure out the refinancing or selling. Also, a CPA, somebody that's going to be an expert in that, or a financial planner that's going to help you figure that stuff out. So these are all people, but you're going to have to know what you need them each to do and you're going to have to tell them, including your attorney, what outcome you want.

Speaker 1:

Now, you might not know exactly how to get there, but you describe and this is what we talked about last week with knowing what you want your outcome to be, so that you can describe that to them. And if you don't know, what it is. Work with a divorce coach to help figure it out, clarify your vision and direction. That's the first thing that we do in private practice in figuring out what you want to do, how you want to see this thing end up Doesn't mean you're going to get there, but that's going to help you work backwards from there and then create a strategy and a plan and then also change strategy and plan as things evolve and change through the process. So that's incumbent upon you. You are driving that bus, you are coaching that team. The attorney might be an important one that's like the quarterback but you're going to need many, many more people on your team and you're going to need to know how to be able to guide them in the direction you want them to go. So some more specific advice on that is keep records of anything I mentioned that communication, finances, parenting time, everything. You're going to need all of that if you end up going to court. Even if you don't, you're probably going to need some of that, particularly the financial stuff.

Speaker 1:

Do not lie in court or in documents. It is inevitably going to backfire. If it doesn't immediately, it will probably backfire down the line if you have to go back to court or some other reason. So be open, be upfront, be forthright with what's going on, in whatever circumstance it might be.

Speaker 1:

The last is ask questions until you understand what's going on. This was my big thing with my buddy yesterday was that he was just frustrated with the attorney not responding and the attorney not being the one that was really saying, well, we should be doing this or we should be doing that, and I tried to emphasize to him that attorneys will do that, but they're going to do that based on the limited knowledge that they have. So that's fine, that's okay, but they again do not have the full picture. They do not understand the nuance of the relationship with the you don't understand. Ask questions and keep asking questions until you have a clear answer. If your attorney is not comfortable or is just not giving you the answers, then find an attorney that will, or any expert that you're going to be working with. If they're not giving you the answers and you ask them the questions so that they can clarify or so that you can get clarified clearly, then just find another person, but ask questions until you understand what's going on.

Speaker 1:

Okay, those are the things that you can control. Let's go through briefly the things that you cannot control. We've got three of them, as you can imagine. What the first one is is that you're not going to be able to control your ex's actions or emotions. It's probably one of the reasons why you're going through this process is that the relational dynamic has not been positive and it is broken down, and so they may play games, they may lie, they may be hostile. That's them. You cannot do anything about that. You cannot control that. You might be able to point out the behavior, but outside of that, there's nothing that you can do to change that. So an example your ex badmouths you to friends or even your kids. It's infuriating, but you can't make them stop.

Speaker 1:

What to do instead? Like I mentioned earlier, don't retaliate. Focus on your own conduct. Keep receipts, document everything if it crosses a legal line. So again, make sure to be documenting everything. Particularly, just not in particular. You should just be doing whatever the circumstances of your divorce are, whether you think it's going to be amicable or you think it's going to be high conflict you should be documenting everything all of the time and then trust that over time, consistency matters more than noise, and that one is just look, you're not going to be able to control their emotions. What you want to be able to do is have your emotions be the rock that your kids can look at and go hey, dad went through this and this was one of the most challenging and difficult things that you can ever go through in life. And this doesn't mean that you're stoic. This just means that you have control and then you have a process for handling your emotions and you're able to communicate that with those around you. Think about the example that that sets for them in modeling resiliency through a challenging time. It is absolutely an opportunity. I know that's hard to wrap your head around, but it is absolutely an opportunity for you to model something for them and just trust over time that that consistency is going to matter more than any of the bad mouthing or any of the crap that's going to be going on or coming from your ex.

Speaker 1:

The other thing you cannot control is the court's decisions. Judges are human, they are biased, the system is slow, it is imperfect and it is stacked against you. So court decisions you just have no idea when you go into court. That's why I always say, if you can get to 80-85% of what makes you feel comfortable and settle on that, then that is a good thing. But you're not going to be able to control those court's decisions. Like if you want a 50-50 custody but the judge ordered less, it feels unfair. It might be unfair, what can you do? You're going to have to follow the orders even if you disagree, showing you're responsible. You keep tracking your involvement. If things change, you can request modifications and let your lawyer guide the legal fight. Don't do it through text emails or angry voicemails.

Speaker 1:

And I would just also add that don't become the parent that is alienating or coercive or doing anything with the kids around that to try to mitigate those circumstances or create situations that might allow you an opportunity at more parenting time. Showing up in the way that we described earlier with your kiddos and being consistent with them and having focused quality time with them is going to be the most important thing. Last thing you cannot control and this one is tough oftentimes because we lose friends but you're not going to be able to control how others perceive you. Friends will take sides, family members might judge, co-workers could ask uncomfortable questions, your mother-in-law might be cold to you, your best friend might seem distant and the narrative in the community or at the kid's school or whatever might be on your side, but just stay grounded in your truth. You know that you're a good dad. If you're listening to this, I'm convinced and I know that you are.

Speaker 1:

Don't get into PR battles. Just keep showing up as the dads your kids need. Find your tribe, connect with other divorced dads or a support group. That gets it. And I can share a personal example with this. And my ex was grand at the PR battles and at one point one of my daughters said to me that it just really bothered her and upset her that people had thoughts about what they thought I was like or who I was, because of that, um, that having happened, so she was, she was abundantly aware of what her mom was doing and what, uh, what the perception was, which was not the real perception, obviously, but um, but that just saddened me because that had a negative impact on her, which I don't want. But I use that example to just describe to you.

Speaker 1:

The kids will know, and they know what's going on. Even if they don't know consciously what's going on, they can feel what's going on. That's why it's so critical for you to be able to control what you can control and let the rest of it go. Because what they don't know, what they don't consciously know, they're going to feel. So creating that environment, doing all these things that we just described around what you control, is going to help that subconsciously for them when they're old enough to consciously know about that stuff. The same thing, by doing what you can do and control, then you're modeling stuff for them that then they can take into their adult life so that they can become healthy and functioning adults. So final thoughts you can't control the storm, but you can control how you steer the ship if you want a way to look at it right.

Speaker 1:

Being a dad in the middle of divorce means accepting that not everything is yours to fix. That's hard for some of us dads and guys. But your attitude, your actions, your time with your kids and your healing, those are yours. It's not about being perfect, it's about being present, real and consistent. That's how you're going to win the long game. That's the art of losing control. My friends, thank you so much for listening this week. I sincerely appreciate it If you found some value in what you heard today. Share far and wide on social media with friends, other dads that you know that are going through this difficult and challenging time. If you're listening on a podcast platform, please give us a star rating or, even better, give us some comments that will encourage some others to tune in to the show. Thanks for listening. Have a terrific week and God bless.

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Jude Sandvall: The Divorced Dadvocate

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