.png)
The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads
Dads face unique issues during and after divorce. We identify and address the issues relevant to divorced/divorcing dads and create an action plan to survive and thrive!
*Become a community member and access full episodes and additional MEMBERS ONLY content: https://thedivorceddadvocate.com/membership-tiers/*
DISCLAIMER: The purpose of this podcast is to inform not influence. It is not a substitute for professional care or advice by a qualified professional. The host as well as guests who speak on this podcast express their own opinions, experience and conclusions, and The Divorced Dadvocate Podcast & Website neither endorses or opposes any particular views discussed here.
The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads
257 - "Stay Strong" - What That Really Means for Divorced and Divorcing Dads
When I tell a dad going through divorce to stay strong, I’m not throwing him a vague motivational cliché. I’m giving him a call to arms—a reminder of what strength looks like when your world is cracking open, when your identity as a father is getting reshaped by custody schedules, courtrooms, and the quiet ache of an empty house.
Strength during divorce doesn’t look like keeping a stiff upper lip and pretending everything’s fine. It’s not about powering through without feeling anything. Real strength, in this context, is much messier, more grounded, and more necessary than that. Here’s what stay strong really means:
Join our Signal Channel: https://shorturl.at/8yqTb
Join The Divorce Dadvocate Membership Community - FULL Episodes - Live Meetings – FREE Workshops & Courses – Private Discussion Groups & MORE! - https://thedivorceddadvocate.com/membership-tiers/
How Are You Adjusting To Your Divorce? Find out in this quiz - http://www.thedivorceddadvocate.com/divorce-quiz.html
*FREE Dads Guide To Divorce* How to survive and thrive during and after divorce: http://www.dadsguidetodivorce.com
Don't suffer in silence! Get relief from the pain and confusion of your divorce and schedule your FREE, No Obligation Coaching Consultation - schedule a time directly into my schedule at www.TalkWithJude.com.
Join other divorced dads who have experienced or are experiencing divorce in this FREE Divorced Dads Online Meetup Group - https://www.meetup.com/Divorced-Dads-Meetup-Group/
Other Resources:
The Divorced Dadvocate Website - http://www.TheDivorcedDadvocate.com
The Divorced Dadvocate YouTube Channel - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GeSwx-F8KK4&list=PLT4HyN5ishYJznK51205ESxGZ2d19YkBp
The Divorced Dadvocate Podcast - https://thedivorceddadvocate.buzzsprout.com/
Divorced Dads Online Meetup Group - https://www.meetup.com/Divorced-Dads-Meetup-Group/
The Divorced Dadvocate Facebook Group - https://www.facebook.com/thedivorceddadvocate/
Music credit: Akira the Don
Hello and welcome to the show. Thanks for tuning in. This week we are going to be talking about what it means to stay strong, but before we get into that, let me, as usual, welcome our new members to the Divorced Advocate community. Those are Jeremy and Brady. Welcome. We appreciate you being here, getting the support that you need and deserve. If you have not checked it out yet, thedivorcedadvocatecom is the place for you to get everything you need, every resource that you need during this difficult and challenging time. We've got everything from free to paid resources there at thedivorcedadvocatecom. Check it out.
Speaker 1:One of the most excellent ones you hear me talk about all the time is the divorce quiz. Take about 10, 15 minutes, go through that. See where you're at mentally, emotionally, compared to tens of thousands of other people that have taken the assessment as well as gone through divorce. It'll give you some good, immediate feedback as to where you're at, what you're doing well and what you can work on. So check all that out at thedivorcedadvocatescom.
Speaker 1:All right, stay strong. So you guys often hear me say that, closing. If you've been to any of our group meetings or any of our live events or just met with me in general, you've heard me say stay strong very often. Well, when I tell a dad going through divorce to stay strong, I'm not just throwing him a vague emotional cliche and really what I'm doing is giving him a call, giving you a call to arms and a reminder of what strength looks like when your world is cracking open, when your identity as a father is getting reshaped by custody battles, by courtrooms and by the difficulty and challenges and the ache of an empty house and loneliness. So strength during divorce doesn't look like keeping a stiff upper lip and pretending everything's fine. It's not about powering through without feeling anything. Real strength in the context that I'm talking about and when I say this is much messier, it's more grounded and it's more necessary than that. So here's the five things that I'm talking about really when I say stay strong to you in my closing or personally when we're doing work together. I just wanted to really clarify this so you really understand the deep meaning behind it.
Speaker 1:The first thing is show up, even when it hurts. There's going to be mornings when it feels like the weight of everything is sitting on your chest, when the bed frankly feels safer than going out into the world, or when you stare at the empty side of the house and wonder how everything fell apart and how you got to this point. There's going to be nights when the silence in your home cuts deeper than any argument you ever had, when your kids are with the other parent and you're left in a house that no longer feels like a home, just maybe a place where memories are echoing. And there will be moments that are random, moments that are raw, moments that are relentless, when the pain blindsides you. It might be a photo, it might be a song, it could be just one of your kids' toys or a sock that you find under the couch, moments when you want to check out or when you want to lash out or when you want to shut down completely.
Speaker 1:But what real strength means is showing up anyway. It means getting out of that bed, even when the grief is just overwhelming and screaming at you to stay down. It means brushing your teeth, packing up your lunch, answering your emails, making that call to your kiddo, even if you don't feel like talking to anybody at all. It also means choosing presence over escape and consistency over collapse. Let me say that again. It also means choosing presence over escape and consistency over collapse. And me say that again, it also means choosing presence over escape and consistency over collapse. And this isn't just for your kids, but it's for you also, because it's not about surviving the pain. It's about proving to yourself that you're more than what you've lost. Even though the family structure is changing, your role as a father hasn't ended. It's just evolving to be something different.
Speaker 1:And your kids? They don't need a superhero, they don't need perfection. They need somebody who is steady and constant, somebody who keeps showing up, no matter how messy or painful things get. So strong dads don't disappear, they anchor. Strong dads don't disappear, they anchor, they become emotionally. They become the emotional lighthouse their kids can rely on, even when the seas are rough. And, maybe most importantly, when you show up during these hard times, you're teaching your kids that pain doesn't have to make us disappear. It can make us more present, it can make us more real and it can make us more human. They're going to experience pain all throughout their lives, just like we have, and you are showing them through modeling that you can work through pain and that you don't have to disappear through pain. And I don't know that there's a better message in these times for children and resiliency than that and while it might not be the situation that you wanted to model this in, it can have a profound impact on your kiddos.
Speaker 1:The second thing that I mean is choose the high road, even when you're provoked. Divorce has a way of alighting emotional fuses. It's highly personal, it's very painful and often fueled by unresolved hurt. You may feel blindsided, betrayed or belittled. You might hear things about yourself that aren't true, things said in court documents yourself that aren't true, things said in court documents or in court itself or in text, or whispered to your kids by your ex or somebody else, and there's a deep, burning urge to clap back immediately to prove your point or to quote unquote, win. But here's the truth, gentlemen no one really wins when the fight gets dirty, especially not your kids. You're going to be provoked and you're likely going to be lied about. We've talked a long and a lot about the unfairness of this whole process for dads and it's infuriating. I still get infuriated when I hear this and hear about any one of the dads in our community. But every time you choose the high road, every single time you don't take that bait, you reinforce something more powerful than revenge, and that is your character. Let me repeat that, even though it's infuriating, even though it's unfair, every time you choose the high road and every time you don't take the bait, you reinforce something more powerful than revenge, and that is your character.
Speaker 1:So staying strong in this context means biting your tongue when you'd rather unleash hell. It means responding with clarity, not venom. It means setting boundaries, not building battle lines. And this is not a weakness, fellas. It's discipline, it's leadership, it's strength under fire, because your kiddos are watching you, not just now, but years from now. They will remember how their dad handled the storm. They'll remember if you protected their peace or if you dragged them into your pain. They'll remember if you spoke about their other parent with respect or contempt. You don't have to pretend everything is okay, but you do have to stay grounded.
Speaker 1:Don't get caught up in the trap of, like I said, trying to quote unquote win the breakup or the divorce. Instead, shift your focus to what actually matters. These are the things that matter your integrity, your future and the emotional well-being of your kids. So choosing the high road doesn't mean being passive. It means just being strategic. It means documenting everything, like you hear us talk about all the time, instead of ranting or lashing out. It means letting your lawyer do the fighting so you don't have to live in that mode. And, most importantly, it means remembering who you are, even when someone else is trying to define you differently. You're a father and that means you're a leader. That means a man building something solid out of the wreckage. That's the high road and it's the strongest one that you can walk. The next thing that I mean by staying strong is to stay involved, no matter how hard it gets.
Speaker 1:Divorce can hit your time with your kids like a wrecking ball. Maybe you went from seeing them every day to seeing them every other weekend. Maybe the court order feels and is, frankly, a slap in the face. Maybe you're jumping through legal hoops just to get basic access to your kids. It's frustrating, it's exhausting and it's completely unfair, but here's the line that separates dads who survive divorce from those who rise through it.
Speaker 1:You stay involved no matter what. Even when it's awkward, even when you feel shut out, even when the effort feels one-sided, you do not retreat, because the truth is your kids don't care about court dates. They don't understand the custody laws. They're not grading your parenting based on the time you get. They're watching what you do with the time you have. Let me say that again, they're not grading your parenting based on the time you get. They have no idea or concept or clue about it. They're watching what you do with the time you get. So you continue to send the text, even if the replies are short or you don't get any replies at all. You call even if it goes to voicemail or they're being gatekept. You show up to the soccer game, the school concert, the dentist appointment, even if no one's expecting you there or if you're not getting recognition.
Speaker 1:You make yourself visible, predictable and dependable. This isn't about trying to be the quote unquote fun parent, and you're definitely not buying back attention or, excuse me, buying back affection with gadgets or sugar highs. You don't need to compete. It's not a competition to compete. It's not a competition. You need to connect.
Speaker 1:Kids don't need the Disneyland dad, they need the reliable dad. They need to know that when things get complicated, you will not disappear, that you won't let frustration become distance, that even when the system wears you down or boxes you out, you find a way to stay present. And yes, it's hard, it's lonely and it takes stamina. That's why we're here, that's why we have this community, and this is why we support you and the other men in it support you as well. And here's the reward Over time, your consistency becomes your superpower. When they think of safety, they will think of you when they grow up and start piecing the puzzle together which I promise you they will. They'll remember who kept showing up, even when it wasn't easy or convenient. That's the dad they'll trust, that's the example that they'll carry, and ultimately, that's what we want is for them to be healthy, functioning adults. So stay involved, stay reachable, stay in the picture, because you're not just fighting for time, you're building the kind of relationship that outlasts the hardest chapters.
Speaker 1:Number four what I'm talking about when I say stay strong is take care of yourself like you matter, because you do. You hear me talk about it almost every single podcast now, because it's absolutely crucial. But it's something a lot of dads forget during divorce. You're not just a provider, protector or a co-parent. You're a human being and you matter Not just to your kids, but to you.
Speaker 1:Too many men get stuck in survival mode during and after divorce. They tell themselves, hey, I'll deal with me later, but later never ever comes. The stress piles up, the anger simmers, the loneliness gets louder and eventually something breaks. That could be health, that could be patience, that could be self-worth, and trust me, I speak from experience you cannot do it. Something will break, and that's not real strength, gentlemen. That's burnout in disguise.
Speaker 1:Staying strong doesn't mean white knuckling your way through it. It means actively choosing to care for your body, actively choosing to care for your mind and actively choosing your emotional well-being, like your life depends on it, because it does. And what does that look like? It looks like finding therapy, not because you're weak, but because carrying pain alone is weak. It looks like working out, not to impress anyone, but because your body needs an outlet. That isn't alcohol or drugs or sex or rage, any of that. It looks like eating real food and getting sleep and drinking water and staying hydrated, not just surviving on caffeine or on energy drinks or on adrenaline or anything else. It looks like spending time with people who lift you up, being involved in this community, not just people who are distracting you or helping you to escape from what it is that's going on. And so let's be real about all this.
Speaker 1:It's very, very easy to numb out during this time. The bottle, the scrolling, casual hookups, the endless distractions. We've got them all throughout our life, from the moment we wake up to the time we go to bed. But the more you run from the pain, the more it owns you. Healing happens when you face it head on, not when you avoid it. You can't pour into your kids if you're drained or if you're bitter or if you're broken. They deserve a dad who's whole, and you deserve a life that's bigger than just being a survivor of divorce. So take care of yourself like your life matters, because it does of yourself. Like your life matters, because it does not someday, but right now. Taking care of yourself. It's not selfish fellas, it's foundational. It's how you get strong and it's how you stay strong. All right.
Speaker 1:Finally, number five lead with love, not with ego. Divorce can feel like a personal defeat. The marriage ended? Your role in the home's changed? Maybe you didn't. Maybe you aren't getting the time you want with your kids. Maybe you feel like everything you built got taken away in a courtroom or slowly unraveled.
Speaker 1:It's easy and even natural to feel like you've lost something. And when we feel like we've lost, the ego kicks in right. It wants to win, it wants to control, it wants to make someone else hurt the way that we are hurting. But staying strong isn't about proving a point what staying strong is. It's about choosing the path that helps you and your kids heal. The path is love. It's not ego, it's not pride and it's not payback.
Speaker 1:When you lead with the ego, everything becomes a competition who gets more time, who looks like the better parent, who moves on faster, et cetera, et cetera. That mindset drains your energy and poisons your focus. It puts you in a tug of war where your kids are the rope. But when you lead with love, the entire mission shifts. You stop asking how do I win? And start asking what do my kids need from me now? They don't need a dad who's obsessed with getting the last word. They need a dad who's emotionally grounded. They need a dad who listens. They need a dad who teaches them how to treat others, even when those others are difficult to love. You become their example, not of perfection, but of character.
Speaker 1:So what does love-led leadership look like? Holding your tongue when your ex says something unfair because your kids don't need to carry that tension, says something unfair because your kids don't need to carry that tension. It looks like prioritizing their emotional safety over your pride, because they didn't ask for this. It looks like offering stability, not guilt, because they deserve to feel like kids, not referees. And here's the thing when you lead with love, you don't lose power, you claim it. You step into the kind of strength that actually changes things. You build trust, you create peace, you become the parent your children turn to, not out of obligation but out of love. And I'll tell you, fellas, that is transformational Over time. They'll see it and they'll feel it. They'll remember that dad didn't use the divorce to tear everything down. He used it to build something better. That, fellas, is leadership, that is strength.
Speaker 1:So when I say stay strong, it isn't just something I say to sound supportive. It's not a slogan, it's not a cheap pep talk. It's a challenge, it's a commitment and it's a way of life for any of us dads walking through the fire of divorce. Let's be real. This is definitely one of the hardest transitions a man can go through, and it's not just about losing the relationship with your ex or soon-to-be ex. It's about having your identity shaken. Your routines are changed and shattered. Your role as a father is put under pressure, and sometimes under a microscope in courts or in the public eye and in the middle of that, you're supposed to just keep functioning, keep working, keep parenting, keep moving. But so when I say stay strong, what I mean is what I just said Stay emotionally available when your instinct is to shut down.
Speaker 1:Stay patient when everything inside you wants to lash out. Stay connected to your kids, even when the system makes it hard. Stay true to who you are, even when someone else tries to twist the story. Stay grounded in love, not ego, not bitterness, not fear. It's not about appearances. It's not about pretending you're okay.
Speaker 1:Strength doesn't mean silence. It doesn't mean stuffing your emotions or putting on a mask. It means leading yourself with clarity. It means staying focused on what matters most your kids, your future and your own mental and emotional health. You will doubt yourself. You will get tired. You will wonder if it's worth it.
Speaker 1:But hear this you have more strength in you than you think. You have more strength in you than you think you can handle. This I promise you. And every time you show up, every time you take the high road, keep the connection, do the inner work and choose love over ego. You prove it. Your kids need you strong. They don't need you invincible. They don't need you invincible, they don't need you unbreakable, just strong enough to keep going, strong enough to show them what real resilience looks like. So, yeah, stay strong, because they need you, because you're not done and because this isn't the end of your story. It's the beginning of your next chapter.
Speaker 1:Gentlemen, I hope that you found some value in these words today. If you have, please share this with another divorce or divorcing dad or somebody else. Post it far and wide on social media. Take it to heart, listen to it again, leave us a star rating, leave us a comment. Let's just get more and more people involved in this community, because you need and deserve the support that we are offering you. Gentlemen, have a great week. Thank you for listening and God bless.
