The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads
The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads is a weekly podcast designed specifically for fathers navigating divorce. It addresses the unique challenges men face and offers practical guidance, emotional support, and real-life insights to help dads survive — and ultimately thrive — during and after divorce.
Each episode combines honest conversation, personal stories, and action-oriented advice to help listeners rebuild confidence, create healthy co-parenting strategies, manage finances, navigate court complexities, and heal emotionally. Since launching in 2020, the show has become a trusted resource and supportive community for divorced and divorcing dads.
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The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads
271 - The Paper Trail: How Documentation Saves Dads in Divorce
Documentation serves as your most powerful weapon during divorce, protecting your rights, assets, and relationship with your children when emotions are high and accusations fly. Meticulous record-keeping levels the playing field when you're at a disadvantage, as your spouse has likely been planning this divorce for months or years before you were aware.
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Hello and welcome to the show. Thanks so much for tuning in again. This week we're going to be talking specifically about documentation. It was something that I mentioned yesterday or yesterday last week in our episode about the Guardian ad litems touchdown a little bit, but also was reading some information, some Hollywood information, about Scott and Kelly Wolfe, who is an actor and actress or reality star, somebody. I don't follow it that closely, but he had an interesting situation that came up that I thought was applicable for you gentlemen to hear this week. But before we jump into the topic, I want to welcome Nathan to the Divorced Advocate community. Check out the community at thedivorcedadvocatecom. We've got all kinds of resources for you, gentlemen. We are attempting to be the one-stop shop for anything that a dad needs before, during and after divorce. So check it out. We've got everything from free resources to paid resources at thedivorcedadvocatecom. And if there's something you can't find, email me at jude at thedivorcedadvocatecom and I will find a way to get that resource to you Okay, document, document, document. Source. To you Okay, document, document, document.
Speaker 1:Well, you know, if you're going through this process, that divorce is tumultuous and it feels like an uphill battle from the start. There's high emotions, a lot going on, a lot of chaos, and therefore it's crucial for you to understand the fundamental truth around your case, which is documentation is your most powerful weapon. So you're likely to already be behind the eight ball, and meticulous record keeping can truly, truly be the key to protecting your rights, your assets and, most importantly, your relationship with your children. The reality is, the vast majority of divorce filings originate with women. That's not a judgment, that is a statistical fact, and it's a statistical fact with implications. What does it mean? It means that your spouse has likely been contemplating this decision and planning her strategy for months, if not years, before you were even aware that there was a problem or that this was going to happen. She's had time to consult her attorney, gather financial records and build a narrative. You, on the other hand, are often blindsided, reacting to a situation you didn't initiate and weren't prepared for. So this inherent disadvantage makes documentation not just helpful and not going to help you get through the process, but absolutely essential for fathers. And so why is documentation going to be your lifeline through this process?
Speaker 1:The first is combating the. He said, she said, and I'm going to get to Scott and Kelly Wolf example in a bit Scott and Kelly Wolf example in a bit. But in family court oftentimes accusations can fly. If you end up at trial Without concrete evidence, it often devolves into one person's word against another's, which then the judge is just going to go. Well, they can't get along, they're high conflict. And that may not be the case. But if you don't have documents, emails, text messages or even dated notes providing objective proof that can corroborate your claims and your arguments and more and even potentially false narratives, then that's going to be very troublesome for you.
Speaker 1:The second is protecting your parental rights. Custody battles are often the most contentious aspect, and allegations a lot of the time allegations of unfitness, neglect or even abuse, can be devastating and in its stay in time, I'm telling you, gentlemen, you are guilty until proven innocent. So detailed records of your involvement in your children's lives, school events, doctor's appointments, daily routines, positive interactions these all will demonstrate your commitment and capacity as a father. Number three financial clarity. Divorce involves disentanglement of sometimes complex finances. So if you haven't been in charge of your finances or you kind of have been loosely handling that, get your bank statements, pay stubs, tax returns, property deeds and expense logs together. They prevent hidden assets from your soon-to-be ex. They ensure fair division of the marital property and it also establishes a clear picture for spousal and child support calculations, which are simply just a statute and a spreadsheet. So if you have all the information, it's very easy to take that information, plug in. It's going to be fair and equitable.
Speaker 1:And the last reason is revealing intent and patterns. This is a really important one. A single text message, fellas, might seem innocuous, but a pattern of manipulative or hostile communication can reveal a spouse's true intentions. Documenting these interactions over time can paint a powerful picture for the court, which takes me to this Hollywood example of Scott and Kelly Wolfe. And so what's been happening here is Scott Wolf the actor, and so here's the thing. While the details of every celebrity divorce are oftentimes sensationalized, a key takeaway from this highly publicized battle is going to highlight for you the power of doc. I'm going to highlight this as a very powerful reason to document, as a father.
Speaker 1:So what happened during their contentious divorce proceedings? Just as he filed, it was reported that he had meticulously saved text messages from his wife, kelly, and these messages allegedly demonstrated. They haven't. It's not allegedly, they actually have demonstrated, because the the outcomes have have supported this. So these messages demonstrated her intent to alienate the children from him and potentially remove them from the state without his content. It actually had her saying what she was going to do, how she was going to do it, etc. And so, by him having these texts documented and presented as evidence, he actually did a very good job, as he preempted all of this and all of the false allegations, etc. Et cetera. By presenting these upfront, he actually ended up he has actually ended up now at this point with full parenting time and custody of his kiddos while they're going through the process.
Speaker 1:So Scott was able to counter her efforts, and this is a perfect example where he was able to protect his parental rights, mitigating what sometimes happens all the time, unfortunately and I know that a lot of you listening have this happen it mitigated a plan that could have severely limited his relationship with the children, and so, regardless of the specific allegations here, this underscores the critical lesson, which is your ex-spouse's words, especially in writing, can be used against them in court. Now, just understand. The same goes for you, right? Had Scott Wolf not preserved those communications, it would have been his word against hers and the outcome could have been drastically different. So if you go into this understanding that you are going to be guilty until proven innocent, this might hit home a little harder for you. So make sure.
Speaker 1:I know that it's hard to think about. I know, with all the chaos especially when you just get into this and you're hit with this, maybe you're served. Everything gets crazy in your head and the emotions are running high and you don't know what to do. But the first thing to do is to start documenting, start putting. One of the first things to do is to start putting together a system in order to document everything that's going on. I'll tell you another thing that happens when you are initially served with papers is you start looking back on some behaviors and start seeing some things that are happening. That makes sense as to why some behaviors might be going on in the dynamic with you and your soon to be ex, because she's been doing some planning and getting ready to do this.
Speaker 1:So what do you need to document and how do you need to do it? So the first thing I say is get a place together, whether that's a Google email and a Google Drive or a Microsoft one, which is a Hotmail or whatever but get a central place where this is just going to be your spot for collecting stuff, and make sure to do it somewhere that you only have access to and it is only your account. So that's the first thing. So a Google Drive is really easy because you get the email address and then that can just be your email address for all things divorce and then you can have your file systems and everything else set up so you want to document all communications, save every text message email, voicemail, social media interactions even seemingly innocent exchanges are potentially something that becomes relevant Screenshot text, screenshot emails and, if possible, keep a log of calls with brief notes. I know it seems absolutely crazy, but I cannot tell you the number of times I've seen this stuff save such a huge, huge, huge problems going through the divorce with somebody who's making particularly false allegations or is being disingenuous and lying about things and but I'm not going to lie, it is.
Speaker 1:It takes time and and energy to put this together and pay attention to it. I tell guys when we get into into group calls or get into individual coaching this is going to be basically your second, your second job. It's going to be a part time job for you to to go through the process. Hopefully it's only going to take a short period of time, but you have to start focusing on it and block out everything else. What else to document Financial records bank statements, credit card statements, pay stubs, tax returns, investment portfolios, mortgage statements, utility bills, everything. Keep physical copies and digital backups. So if you're not in charge, if you've not been in charge, if you've not or if you've been, like I said, loosely handling those finances, get a handle on it real quick and start figuring out what's going, where and how. It might be a little bit too late, so you might need to strategize with your attorney on how to make sure to get access to that stuff if you have not had access to this point.
Speaker 1:The next is children's records school reports, medical records, attendance at extracurricular activities, photos of you with your children at events. This seems ridiculous that you have to try to preserve those somewhere so that you can utilize those as evidence, but I can't tell you the number of times that those have had to be used for a dad that I'm working with to show that he's actually involved with his kiddo's lives, and he's got hundreds of pictures of him and his kids doing something when his ex is saying that he's an absent father, for whatever reason. That has happened. So make sure to keep all the children's records. The next is calendars and journals. Keep a detailed calendar. So this is where it comes in convenient for having, like a Google Drive or a Microsoft Drive or something like that.
Speaker 1:Keep a detailed calendar of when you have the children. So it's just going to help with the whole splitting up time and parenting time and stuff, but also significant events and any important interactions or incidents. Why? Because, if this so a couple of reasons. One, if it becomes a long drawn out process and you end up going to trial but it gets really drawn out, which I saw happen lots of times during COVID. But now it just seems, depending on where you're at in the country, the different judicial areas just have different timelines on how they want to get stuff done, and some of them can just drag on forever and ever, and then you start forgetting incidents that have happened, and so that is important so that you can keep track of what's going on, how it's happening. But the other part of that is also that you can convey this information to your attorney. So you have timelines and you have the incidences. You have it on a calendar. Also, if you need to switch attorneys in midstream in the process, which happens very often, probably more than you realize that it happens, which is okay, it's not a bad thing. But if you have all this documentation, in particular, calendars that have the timelines of events and what's happening and how it's happened, it's very, very helpful. The other is a neutral, factual journal can be invaluable for noting difficult conversations or specific behaviors and these can be behaviors of your soon-to-be ex if things are becoming contentious. It can also help you journal about the kids and maybe reactions and stuff that's happening with the kids as well, because that also is something to be paying attention to and trying to understand and helping them through this process as well.
Speaker 1:The last is and again this is not comprehensive this is one of the things, too that when I'm coaching guys, we talk about and we go through and we create a process. When I'm working with dads going through divorce, we're creating a whole structure and a system. You've heard me talk lots about how you're creating your team. Well, every team that has a quarterback or a running back or an offense and a defense. They all have systems within that that they're working on and how do they communicate, et cetera. That's what we're doing, the same thing here, when we're working together, because there's so much going on. Hopefully you're building your team, your certified divorce financial planner, your lender, your mortgage broker, your therapist, your coach, all those people how you're communicating, what you're doing with the information, how you're communicating what you're doing with the information, how you're sharing that. That's all part of this process. So that's why it's really, really important.
Speaker 1:And the last one is pretty obvious is your legal documents. So after a dozen years, I am literally and I talked to, if you heard, ben from Ben Schooley from Pro Se Coach on here too. He says he has a stack that's like six feet tall. I had something similar to that too Keep an organized file of all court filings, especially your attorney correspondences and temporary orders. So you're going to always want to have that stuff available. That's why the electronic drives you can always pull up. If you need to show somebody at school or God forbid, a law enforcement officer the, the temporary orders or the parenting plan or something like that. You just have it on your phone and you're able to to pull that up. So the legal documents as well.
Speaker 1:All right, dad's, you, unfortunately, are likely starting from a disadvantage Just like I said, most of us have been the ones that have received papers and our exes has filed. But that doesn't mean you can't level this playing field and catch yourself up, not only mentally, emotionally, but also with the whole process of getting things together. So embrace the power of this idea of documentation, be diligent, be organized and create a comprehensive record of everything and I mean everything relevant to your divorce and your relationship with your children. It's not about and look, it's not about being vindictive, right. It's about being prepared, protecting your future and ensuring you remain a vital part of your children's lives.
Speaker 1:Let me just make a final comment on this, which is oftentimes, even if things are amicable at the start of the divorce, even if you didn't know this was coming, but things were amicable and you were served papers and it was kind of chaotic and you didn't know where to start, et cetera, but it was still amicable. There can be and I see this lots of times when the reality sets in with your soon-to-be ex that this isn't going to go exactly how all of her girlfriends told her or she saw on TV or she envisioned in her mind, and that's when things really start to go sideways is when that reality happens, or the reality that life after divorce isn't going to be the same as life was through divorce. Then guys get caught off guard with that, so they don't start documenting right away. They wait until then the false allegations come or some manipulation comes or something else happens, and then they're like, oh crap, I really need to do something now. So your best bet is don't let yourself be outmaneuvered. Start from the beginning and document, document, document.
Speaker 1:All right, gentlemen, thank you so much for listening. I sincerely appreciate it. Please visit thedivorcedadvocatecom. Check out all the resources that we have there. If you found some value in what you heard today, share it far and wide social media. Everywhere else. We get guys coming in from other guys all the time saying, hey, so-and-so told me in my Facebook group or Instagram or whatever. Check out this podcast and they've been listening to all of the episodes. So share it far and wide on social media. Also, give us a star rating. That helps other dads that are thinking and looking for resources to jump on even better. The comments have jumped up on all the different platforms, especially Spotify. So I appreciate you guys that are making comments on each of the episodes, but that helps get the attention of other dads to jump in and take a listen as well. Thanks so much. Have a terrific week and God bless.
