277 - REPLAY - Dads Matter: Authoritative Parenting

Boundaries don’t make you a tyrant—they make your home feel safe. We dig into what authoritative parenting really looks like for divorced dads: steady warmth, clear limits, and consequences that teach instead of punish. Drawing on evidence from parenting science and decades of outcomes research, we unpack the crucial differences between authoritative and authoritarian styles, why permissiveness backfires even when it feels compassionate, and how dads can hold the line without losing the relationship.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome & Mission for Dads
• 3:49 Community Updates & Resources
• 5:50 Court Challenges and Mislabels
• 7:11 Why Fathers’ Involvement Matters
• 9:56 Authoritative vs Other Styles
• 13:14 Love and Logic in Practice
• 17:14 Evidence and Outcomes
• 20:23 Warmth, Limits, and Respect
• 23:10 Culture, Myths, and Nuance
• 27:08 How to Self-Assess Your Style
• 30:33 Common Ground Across Cultures
• 33:48 Closing & Community Invitation

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 1:17

Hello and welcome to the Divorced Dadvocate, divorce support for dads, where we help dads create a healthy and less traumatic divorce. My name is Jude Sandval, and I'm your host. I created this podcast in the Divorced Dadvocate community as a result of my own high conflict divorce, and because you as a dad deserve all the resources necessary to thrive through this challenging time. I encourage you to check out our website at thedivorcedadvocate.com, where there are resources that correspond to this episode, as well as free access to our membership community, where you will find live meetings, free workshops and courses, private discussion groups, and more. And now on to this week's episode. Hello and welcome to the show. I sincerely appreciate you being here today for our topic of Dads Matter Authoritative Parenting. So that is the topic we're going to be discussing today. Actually, I'm going to be citing specifically from this fantastic article from Gwen Dewar, The Authoritative Parenting Style, an Evidence-Based Guide. This is just an awesome, awesome article in parenting science. You can find it online at parenting science. Again, it's called the Authoritative Parenting Style, an Evidence-Based Guide by Gwen DeWar. Now, the well, before I get into the stimulus for this podcast episode subject, let me just welcome some new members to the community. It's been an awesome last couple of weeks with lots of lots of people getting involved, lots of guys jumping in and just becoming members of the community. Ben, Camillo, John, Reese, Vincent, Ira, Alexander, Daniel, and Sean, welcome to the community. If you uh haven't checked it out yet, check out the divorcedavicate.com, check out the membershipship site, get involved, get to be a part of the community in getting involved with our group meetings. We've got the app, it's got all kinds of self-help in there. One of the things you're going to hear us talk about in our group meetings as well as individually, if if we have time to talk, that's taking care of yourself is an important thing. The app is something that is really great around that, has all kinds of from physical fitness to mental fitness to emotional fitness to spiritual fitness. Working on all that stuff and helping you through that, the app has uh lots of uh great ways to help you do that. So when you become part of the membership community, you have free access to everything, over 50 plus courses that uh that show up in the app that you can utilize mobily. In addition to a bunch of other things that that you have access to, including this podcast and the extended version of this podcast, which is going to be a long one today. We're gonna get into some very specific detail around authoritarian authoritative parenting and why it's incredibly helpful. So, anyway, check out the app, take the divorce quiz, see where you're at at the website at thedivorced advocate.com, see where you're at in relation to other people who have gone through divorce. It'll give you some immediate results and see what you're doing well and also what you might need to be working on. So, check out all that information and always feel free to reach out and connect with me directly. All right, so last month, sometime we we had a group meeting, and one of the individuals in our group meeting had an experience in court where they told him that his that his that his parenting style, his is authoritarian, well, they described it as authoritarian, but I would I would argue that it was more author more authoritative than authoritarian, was a detriment to his kids. And and this, unfortunately, this gentleman's literally had his kids mostly taken away from him, which is an absolute tragedy. Friends, if you don't know it, and nobody's told you this recently, there is nothing more important to your children and in their lives than having your involvement in it. There's studies and science and evidence and everything else that's that that supports this, but it's not a common theme that we hear in our society. We hear dads are more like Homer Simpson and Fred Griffith than dads are of the old uh leave it to beaver and father knows best. So that's why I'm on this kick recently as well as I just had my own CFI uh investigation come back with some absolutely ludicrous commentary about this this same topic of authoritative parenting. And so we're gonna do a deep dive into this today. And this I I've been researching this for uh at least two weeks now, and this is the best article I've had that I've found that can just completely and entirely uh explain to you what the authoritarian authoritative parenting style is. Now, the reason I bring this up is because fathers, dads, as it as is our just general nature. We provide this part of parenting in a parenting dynamic, if there is a father and a mother involved in a child's life. And now, this is a generalization, yes, but it is the most common generalization in a father, mother relationship, male, female relationship with their children. We the the the dads, the men are oftentimes the ones that are bringing this authoritative parenting style. And now it doesn't mean that women can't do it either, and both should be working to bring this because it has different components to it that are very, very important that men and women probably have some different strengths around that. If we want to look to somebody else, now I know that's not happening right now, probably in your life because you're going through a divorce, but I want you to be aware of this dynamic and why it is important and what your what your wife or maybe soon to be ex or ex can also bring if they are uh parenting in this healthy manner and lifestyle. But what I also want to point out to you is that this healthy way in which it may be more natural for you in authoritarian authoritative parenting style is being diminished in our society in general. And it's more of a permissive parenting style where you know it's just the feelings of the kids and what the kids want and how you feel about this and how you express yourself and all that, which is if you I don't if you're if you're awake, if you're looking around and see is doing an immense amount of harm to our children. So I want you to be aware of what this authoritative parenting style is, how it manifests, how it can also be a detriment if it becomes authoritarian, which probably as uh as men and dads, we might lean towards sometimes, especially if we get to be low energy, we're not taking care of ourselves, and we just revert to uh bad habits. So on that, uh on that note, listen up, get comfortable, and uh let's dive into this. What is authoritative parenting? The authoritative parenting style is an approach to child rearing, child rearing that combines warmth, sensitivity, and the setting of limits. Parents use positive reinforcement and reasoning to guide children. They avoid resorting to threats or punishment. Okay, so if you've listened to enough episodes and listened to me talk, or you've been in group meetings with me or individual coaching, you've heard me talk about a parenting style, a parenting philosophy called love and logic. That is setting, giving kids lots of choices and uh approaching any mistakes that they have and that they make with empathy, setting boundaries and in giving the opportunity to be their own person and make their own mistakes and learn from those mistakes themselves. So this is the the the best authoritative parenting program that I have found that is out there. I practice it with my daughters since they were very, very young, and it is absolutely amazing. I continue to go back, I continue to learn. Obviously, as you know, if you've been a parent for any period of time greater than a day or two, you learn over and over and over every day. I go back, I take classes, I go back, I read more about it, I go back, I look and see what it is I did well and what it is I did poorly, and I try to improve upon that all the time. But it is a structured way. And for me, as a guy, I need something that is a guide that helps me with structure in how to go about doing it. And the love and logic classes have been absolutely fantastic, and the philosophy has absolutely been fantastic for me, and I believe with with my daughters as well. And so let's let me give you just an example of what authoritative parenting is. So kids raised by authoritative parents are more likely to become independent, self-reliant, socially accepted, academically successful, and well behave. And they're also less likely to report depression and anxiety and less likely to engage in antisocial behavior like delinquency and drug use. Research suggests that having at least one authoritative parent can make a big difference. And this is the point that I want to start with and gonna drive home throughout the rest of our talk here today is that that is what fathers bring to the equation in parenting, is this authoritative mindset around raising the kids. Okay, so that is why it's incredibly important for you to uh understand when you're being told by therapist, family court, lawyers, anybody else that, oh, well, maybe just let this slide, or oh, maybe you're being too hard on them, or this or that. Okay. This is not necessarily true. How you do it, and the devil's in the details, obviously, but please stick to your guns and know that that is important that you as a father bring this authoritative parenting style to the table, to your children's lives, is incredibly, incredibly helpful. Okay. Let's let's talk about the the background around this. So it's not a this is not a new concept. This is started in the 60s by by a woman called Diane Baumrind, and her she was just researching, actually, uh trying to find why the the why parents attempted to control their kids. And so what she uh what she found were three major ways in which parents approach controlling their kids. One was permissive parents, those are warm and responsive, but reluctant to impose rules or standards, and they preferred to let their kids regulate themselves. The other one was authoritarian parents who show less warmth and sensitivity and insist on blind obedience. They attempt to enforce compliance through punishments, threats, and psychological control. Think of a drill sergeant, right? Jill drill sergeant, you must comply at all costs or the punishment will be severe, right? And then the third one was authoritative parents who are warm and responsive, like permissive parents, but where permissive parents shrink away from enforcing standards, authoritative parents embrace it. They expect maturity and cooperation as much as a as much as is appropriate for a child's developmental level, and they try to guide behavior by reasoning with their kids. So in substance in substance, uh in substance subsequent studies, researchers also recognize the forced style, sometimes called neglectful parenting, which is basically when none of that exists. There's no uh there's no warmth, there's no enforced standards, etc. And some of you like myself experienced that as well, which is basically the worst of all worlds, really. Stay with us. We'll be right back. Hi, fellas. This is Jude, and I just wanted to stop by quickly to let you know about the upcoming Thriving Father Transformation program. Are you a divorced or divorcing dad feeling lost, overwhelmed, or struggling to find your footing in this new chapter? You are not alone. The journey through and after divorce can be one of the most challenging experiences a man faces, but it does not have to define your future. Imagine emerging from this period, not just surviving, but thriving. Imagine confident co-parenting, a renewed sense of purpose, deeper connections with your children, and the clarity to build a fulfilling life for yourself, supported by a brotherhood that lasts a lifetime. This Thriving Father Transformation program is an exclusive six-week journey meticulously designed for dads, ready to do the deep work, achieve lasting change, and sculpt a powerful, positive future. Learn more about it at dadsgroupcoaching.com and register there. Thanks, fellas. See you on the other side. So, which parenting style is associated with the best outcomes? There's overwhelming evidence that kids need parental warmth to thrive, right? You cannot just just be the discipline and just have discipline and have drill sergeants. Otherwise, we just have drill sergeants raising our kids, and then you know what that would you that would be horrible. Nurturing responsive parenting leads to a better emotional, cognitive, and behavioral outcomes. So the parenting styles that feature warm and responsiveness, authoritative and permissive parenting are better overall than the remaining alternatives. Now, there's there's also evidence favoring authoritative parenting as the best style. For example, when it comes to reducing sibling conflicts, now I'm going to be quoting a bunch from this article here where she she backs all of this with the studies that she makes these statements from. So check out the article for sure at Parenting Science called the Authoritative Parenting Style and Evidence-Based Guide by Gwen Duar. So she says, for example, when it comes to reducing sibling conflict, authoritative approach might be the only effective option. And the cross-cultural trend observed in most studies is that authoritative parenting is linked with better academic performance. So are there any complications or controversies? Absolutely. The effects of parenting style are partly influenced by culture. And a group of researchers in Spain, I've argued that permissive or indulgent parenting is better than authoritative parenting for children's emotional well-being. So there is this argument out there, and some of the this you'll you might be hearing in the social emotional learning and some of the other stuff that's going into it's going on in schools and in our society that being permissive and indulgent is better because it helps their emotional well-being. It might help their attachment style and becoming a healthy attachment. Well, what is the one? I can't remember the the attachment style, but it's the one where they're they're healthy, attached, and but we're but I'm gonna, I'm gonna talk later about why the authoritative is better. And and she does quote why there's a healthier attachment style outcome when there is authoritarian authoritative parenting as opposed to this permissive or indulgence parenting. So just know that there it is out there in in in in if basically it feels like, at least to me and my observation, that anything that is authoritarian authoritative seems to be like being pushed against right now. That there's this whole mentality and philosophy around chaos and less order and and less authoritarianism. Not that authoritarianism obviously is good, but being authoritative and having that authoritative mindset is definitely good. Okay, so enough about my soap opera or so my soapbox. So, what's the key difference between authoritative parenting and permissive parenting? There is one specific thing that is the difference, and that is limit setting. Permissive parents and authoritative parents share an approach that is responsive, nurturing, and involved. Okay, the difference is authoritarian is like the drill sergeant. Authoritative is that you still have that warmth and that naturing, nurturing and philosophy and empathy with the kids, but you are setting limits. So both show respect for children as independent beings, but unlike permissive parents, authoritative parents don't let their kids get away with bad behavior. Now that is key. That is absolutely positively key. Authoritative parents don't let their kids get away with bad behavior. Authoritative parents take a take a firm stand, insisting that their kids behave responsibly. Let me say that again. Authoritative parents take a firm stand insisting that their kids uh that their kids behave responsibly. Now, uh man, I don't know about you, but this is a struggle with me and with with with I don't want to say a struggle for me, but a struggle in my in in how I view what's going on in our society today and how we are viewed as fathers in making sure that we take a firm stand, insisting that our kids behave responsibly. And I see it showing up in schooling and kids at school, and how my kids show up at school, and how the kids are expected to behave responsibly at school, or at least what I'm viewing is not behave responsibly. And so this is incredibly, incredibly important because I feel like the lines are getting blurred and taking that firm stand, oftentimes, dads, for us is then being misconstrued as authoritative. Okay. And so this was part of what I described in the beginning with this uh gentleman in our group, in our group call that is being absolutely decimated because he is taking firm stands around for children, his children showing up and behaving responsibly. And and these lines are being blurred, in my estimation, on purpose, in order to be used against the dads and fathers. So taking this firm stand is important that they that they do that they do show up responsibly. And so, what's the key difference between authoritative and authoritarian parenting? It's all about the exercise of power. This is the big key difference. Think of the authoritarian parent as a drill sergeant, like I said earlier. Do it now or else, right? The drill sergeant tries to get his way through threats or coercion. So I don't know about you, but I don't see that as pervasive anymore. That is maybe our father's generation, or maybe even our father's father's generation, in how that may have shown up. And so I I don't see this with lots of dads. And I would venture to say if you're listening right now and you're thinking about the things that you're thinking about going through your divorce and being concerned about the kids in life and how life is going to show up later, or how life is going to be and how you're gonna be able to show up in that for your kids later after divorce, that that's probably not the the way that that you act on a regular basis. Now, look, I've been guilty of that in, like I said, low energy moments or where emotions get the best of me, and that's okay. And you know, even if that is how you uh tend to show up, guys, that is okay also. You can learn to be better, okay? But so let me tell you what the contrast is. The authoritative parent aims to inspire cooperation by fostering positive feelings and teaching kids the reasons for the rules. Authoritative parents communicate lots of warmth to their kids, they avoid using harsh, harsh or arbitrary punishments. Now, that doesn't mean that that a that a punishment shouldn't be shouldn't be severe or something like that something gets taken away, or that an activity gets taken away, or something like that. It just means that it's not harsh, that it's not punitive, and that it's just not out of the blue, that you just make something up. So they are less they are less likely, authoritative parents are less likely to shame their kids or attempt to control kids by withdrawing love. And that's a huge one, too, right? We never ever want them to feel like they are not loved. We unconditionally love them, and that is part of what love and logic always teaches them. That they teach us is that they are unconditionally loved, that we are always giving them unconditional love. And that's where that empathy and that's that that warmth comes in as well. If they know that there's warmth and you're communicating that they still know that they're loved, they may not like what's going on, but they will always know that they're loved. So never withdrawing love. Also, authoritative parents, when they make mistakes or misbehave, they are when their children make mistakes or misbehave, they talk with them about it, they listen to their children's concerns and take them into account. They help kids figure out what weren't wrong and explain the consequences of good and bad behavior. So while they have similar-looking names, authoritative and authoritarian, the big difference between authoritative and authority, there is a big difference between authoritative and authoritarian parenting. Authoritative parents aren't just trying to enforce compliance, they recognize and encourage a child's child's sense of autonomy, and they want kids to develop self-discipline, maturity, and respect for others, and they approach these goals by offering concrete advice and emotional support. So, in summation here, some researchers have described it this way, and I think this is a great, great definition. Authoritative parents are highly demanding, but they are also very responsive to their children's needs. I would, I would, I would say, if you're listening to this, that probably describes you as a dad. Authoritative parents are highly demanding, but they are very responsive to their children's needs. It means that we have and we set high expectations for our children, but we are also listening to them, trying to understand them, and assisting them in meeting what those standards are. And so there is nothing wrong. And man, I I'm trying to to stay away from my riffing on society here, but I feel like this is part of what we're having challenges right now is setting those standards, right? Having high, high demands and standards for our children in and expecting them to meet those. There's this thing that that that children will live up to the standards and beliefs that you have for them. I don't feel like that is happening oftentimes. And actually, and and and then we get into what we get in now where we're being bombarded from another side, from another parent who thinks that we're too strict or too or too controlling, right? Because their experience with us is that we're controlling them or whatever. And I'm talking about our exes, right? And that we're trying to do that with with our kids as well. Expecting or demanding uh and having high expectations for our kids doesn't mean that we can't be responsive to their needs and talk with them about it. Okay, so just know that if this describes you, it is okay. You can have high expectations and demand. The kids are working towards and trying to meet those expectations, but still be very responsive to their needs. Okay, so that's the classic definition of the authoritative parenting style. There's an important variation, particularly when it comes to how much of a vote children get during family decision making. Okay, so now we're gonna get into let's get into the the different ways that this can manifest, or the different ways, because not every authoritative parent runs his or her family the same way. And so there's some different distinctions, and we're gonna talk a little bit now about that and how you practice authoritative parenting. And they go into some really interesting specific stuff cross-culturally, cross-culturally as well. So let's talk about this. It's one thing to read a definition, another put it in practice, obviously. How can you tell if you're acting like an authoritative parent? So, researches all all the time when they want to figure something out, right? They put down, they put together a standard questionnaire. So, this has done been done more than one time with authoritarian authoritative parenting. Here are some statements that authoritative parents will tend to agree with if they are authoritative parents or practicing authoritative parenting. I take my child's wishes and feelings into consideration before I ask her or him to do something. I encourage my child to talk about his or her feelings. I try to help my child when they are scared or upset. I provide my child with reasons for the expectations I have for him or her. I respect my child's opinion and encourage him or her to express them, even if they are different from my own. So that those are statements that authoritative parents would tend to agree with. Uh, parents are judged to be less authoritative if they agree with these statements. I ignore my child's misbehavior. I bribe my child to get him to comply with my wishes. I explode in anger toward my child. I punish my child by withdrawing affection. So these are just a small sample of the kinds of items that appear on those those questionnaires. Now, you don't have to tick all the right the boxes, but just an over given an overall score if you agree with one or the other, it's going to give you kind of kind of an idea whether you are an authoritative parent or you are not. But there's also one universally accepted listness test. And for instance, the statements above might make it seem that you have that you have to run your family like a mini democracy in order to be authoritative, but that's not the case. Or maybe you're wondering about which rules you are supposed to impose. Keep your room clean, don't play video games after until after you finish your homework. Depending on your priorities and beliefs and an assessment of your child's maturity level, you may think these are important rules, or you might not. But as we're gonna as we're gonna talk about the classic definition of authoritative parenting, allows for variations in these areas, and the different researchers have used different screening tools to decide who's authority uh authoritative. For example, we we talked about the researchers working in Spain who have scored parents as authoritative if they agree with the statements. I insist that my child do exactly what they are told or make greater use of punishment to control behavior. Does this match up with what most parents parenting experts mean when they talk about authoritative parents? Probably, or authoritative parenting, probably not. So, does authoritative parenting look the same in every family? Not necessarily. So they found in the US and Australia, authoritative parents were very likely to emphasize certain democra democratic practices like taking a child's preferences into account when making family plans or encouraging a child to express his or her own opinions. But in China and Russia, authoritative parents. didn't take their child, their children's preferences into account when making family plans. And most authoritative parents from China didn't encourage kids to voice their own opinions, not if those opinions were in conflict with a parent's view. So this is very, very interesting. So what then did authoritative parents have in common across all four countries? They shared a similar approach to discipline. What was that approach to discipline? When their children misbehave, they talked with them and explained the reasons for the rules. I'll say that again.com and become a member of our community. It's free to join and will provide you with the resources you deserve as a divorced or divorcing dad. Thank you for listening. God bless, and I'll talk with you next week.