280 - How Privacy Policies Sideline Dads In Teen Healthcare

A thirteen-year-old can now decide who sees their records in many states, and too often that means dad gets locked out. We pull back the curtain on how policy, portals, and a feelings-first mindset are reshaping family dynamics in clinics, counseling rooms, and courtrooms—and why active father involvement remains one of the strongest predictors of a child’s long-term wellbeing.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Fathers’ Role And Cultural Shift
• 3:47 Community Welcome And Resources
• 4:43 Legal System Bias Against Dads
• 5:10 Teen Privacy Policies Explained
• 7:14 Biology Of Adolescent Decision Making
• 10:22 Portals, HIPAA, And State Laws
• 12:22 Therapy’s Feelings-First Pitfalls
• 14:22 From Sessions To Custody Leverage
• 17:22 The Authoritarian Father Trap
• 19:35 Systemic Bias And Court Dynamics
• 21:23 Fatherhood Crisis And Outcomes
• 24:06 Seven Practical Strategies For Dads
• 28:43 The Bigger Picture And Call To Act

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 1:02

The number one determining factor of your child growing up to be a healthy, functioning adult is that an active and present father is in their lives. Yet the cultural narrative now remote rewards emotional validation and punishes. If you're the dad insisting on clear rules, you've seen as controlling, right? If you question what your child's therapist is withholding, or if you question why your chair child's therapist is withholding information, you're seen as intrusive. If you simply ask to be informed about medications or diagnoses, diagnoses, you're the problem, you're the quote unquote problem parent. And all this gets justified under the banner of protecting the child's autonomy. The truth is it's not autonomy being protected ideology. An ideology that says kids know best. Fathers are optional, and feelings trump facts. It's an ideology that makes dads invisible in their own child's health and development. Hello and welcome to the show. Thank you so much for listening in this week. I sincerely appreciate it. But before we jump into that, as usual, I want to welcome the new members to the divorced advocate community. We've got quite a few this week: Tamer, Charlie, Ryan, Hadley, Fisher, and Nate. Welcome to the Divorced Advocate community. If you are not already part of it, check out thedivorced advocate.com. We've got lots of great things going on, particularly some of the QA sessions that we have that are that are happening. Check out the events page, the events tab on the website. It's got everything that we've got going on every single week. We've got multiple things going on most every every week. So get the get all of the resources that you need and you deserve there. We've got stuff from free to paid resources, but wherever you're at, whatever you need, we've got something for you. At thedivorced advocate.com. All right, fellas, if you're a divorced or divorcing father, you already know that the deck is stacked. The legal system often views us dads as secondary parents. The courts lean towards quote unquote stability, usually meaning mom, right? And even when you're the one showing up, paying the bills, and trying to keep structure, you're the one labeled quote unquote authoritarian. Now, as I mentioned, there's a new threat creeping into the picture, one that hides behind buzzwords like autonomy, privacy, and feelings, giving minors as young as 13 years old, like I said, the legal power to restrict parents from accessing their medical or mental health records. It was actually a shock to me when here in Colorado, where I reside, when my oldest turned 13 and I logged in to make an appointment, a medical appointment for her. She wasn't even driving yet and was not able to access her account and actually had to sit down with her and figure out how to get this account to where I was able to just simply schedule an appointment for her. So on the surface, this whole this whole idea sounds compassionate. Let teens have control over their own care, right? But underneath it's reckless. And for fathers already fighting uphill battle uphill battles, it's another way to cut out your children's, to be cut out of your children's lives. So what we're going to do, what I'm going to do today is I'm going to break this down and break down why this trend is dangerous, not only scientifically, but legally, socially, and practically, and what dads, what we need to be doing about it. So first, let's start with the science. 13-year-olds, let's just flat out, are not equipped for adult level decision making. This isn't a matter of opinion or politics, it's just biology. The adolescent brain is still under construction, particularly the parts responsible for judgment, impulse control, and wing long-term consequences, the prefrontal cortex, right? The National Institute of Mental Health has pointed out that adolescent brains show significantly lower activity in the areas that manage risk and impulse control, like pre-con, like the prefrontal cortex. That's the part of the brain that says, quote unquote, think before you act, right? It's also the part that doesn't fully mature until your early to mid-20s. There's a 2012 review titled Decision Making in the Adolescent Brain that confirms teens process decisions more emotionally than logically. They're more sensitive to immediate rewards and less likely to consider long-term outcomes. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry says flat out, this is a quote, adolescents acted differently from adults. They are more emotional, more impulsive, and more likely to make decisions based on feelings rather than facts. So when a therapist or an insurance company tells you your 13-year-old should have control over their own records because we need to respect their feelings, what they're really doing is letting emotional emotion rule over evidence. Yes, feelings matter, but they can't replace parental oversight, especially when the child's brain literally isn't wired to make adult-level medical or psychological decisions. Respecting our kiddo's voices doesn't mean surrendering our responsibility as a parent. So, what actually is happening in healthcare and insurance? Across the country, hospitals, clinics, and insurance companies are quietly shifting policies. They're enabling teens, sometimes as young as 13, to manage parts of their medical information on their own. For instance, in Washington state, once a teen turns 13, parents lose automatic access to their child's medical information related to mental health, reproductive health, or substance use. The same thing is happening in California, it's happening in Oregon, and as I mentioned, it's happened here in Colorado, where portals like my chart automatically limit parental access once the child reaches 12 or 13. And it's being done under the umbrella of HIPAA's privacy rule, which states that parents are the default personal representatives for minors, except in cases where the minor can consent to their own care under state law, or when confidentiality is considered essential to the provider-patient relationship. Now, look, this sounds reasonable, maybe in some very narrow circumstances, abuse, sexual health concerns, stuff like that. But what's happening, it's become the new normal across entire systems. And this is the problem. And most parents don't even realize it until they, like I did, log into the online portal and one day and find that half their child's records are grayed out, which is absolute insanity. So imagine you're paying for the insurance, you're the one driving your child to appointments, but you can't even see what medications are on or what a therapist is advising. It's absolutely absurd and it's absolutely dangerous. Because when us as parents are locked out, accountability disappears. So how is how's this trend playing out in therapy? The whole we need to respect their feelings thing. And I'm I we get in this conversation oftentimes in our group meetings, and guys talking about either taking their kids to therapy or court-ordered therapy. And the therapeutic community has embraced this cultural shift that sounds noble, but can and does, I'm telling you, it does. I can't, I there's so many stories that that are being shared in the community. Uh it goes easily off the rails. The the quote unquote, we need to respect your child's feelings. And of course, we need to respect our child child's feelings, but respecting feelings isn't the same as letting those feelings dictate decisions with real world consequences. Therapists today are increasingly treating teenagers as independent clients, even in the context of family breakdowns and shutting parents out to quote unquote protect the therapeutic alliance. I got into that specifically with one particular therapist myself. Now, this sounds so compassionate, right, in textbook situations, but in real life, it's an absolute perfect storm. A 13-year-old can say, I don't want dad in my sessions. Maybe because, of course, dad enforces curfew. Dad takes away the phone, or dad expects chores. The therapist operating under the respect the client's autonomy agrees. Then dad becomes the outsider, right? What happens next? That same quote-unquote autonomy gets used as evidence in custody battles. Therapist notes or coin a pet or coin appointed evaluators start saying the child feels unsafe or controlled around the dad. But what they're really describing is basically a father who parents, who sets boundaries, and expects accountability. And this is what's going to happen all the time. The courts are looking for cover. They want a third party to tell them what their opinion is, and they're going to take the opinion of that third party so they don't have accountability. So this quote-unquote feelings first culture undermines not only discipline, but also our basic parental involvement. And it gives teenagers who are developmentally driven by emotion and rebellion enormous leverage in family disputes. So I think you're starting to see a picture of what this transpires to and the problems that it can that it can pose. So the family courts, let's talk about the family courts and what is is now starting to be codified, and we're seeing we're seeing in this therapeutic uh community the quote unquote authoritarian father trap is what I call it. If you've been through custody court, you already know how this plays out, right? When a child complains that dad is quote unquote strict or quote unquote doesn't listen, that's the one that I got all the time. You don't listen. The system tends to label that as authoritarian, especially, and here's where it becomes problematic, if the mother or therapist reinforces this. Meanwhile, mom's leniency or emotional alignment with the teen is labeled nurturing. So this is this is where things are are really really digressing. It's good to have dads to who create structure, who are creating discipline, helping kids focus towards the future, right? It's also good to have mothers who are in tune with their emotionally aligned with children, providing support, etc. That is nurturing. So being authoritative, being nurturing, those are two things, two different separate things that parents bring that are good and healthy. The problem is this now is becoming a dynamic where the authoritarian is being viewed as negative and this nurturing, quote unquote, nurturing is actually leniency and is not benefiting the kids. It's a dynamic that now is being documented repeatedly. There's a 2024 study from the University of Ottawa highlighting systemic bias against fathers and family courts, noting that men who enforce boundaries are often portrayed as quote-unquote controlling or quote unquote rigid, while mothers exhibiting the same behaviors are seen as quote-unquote protective. Do you see what's happening here, fellas? So because teens today are being told they have a right to medical and emotional privacy from their parents, their quote-unquote feelings can become legal ammunition. So a 13-year-old says, quote, I don't want dad to know what I'm talking about in therapy, end quote. That sentiment can be turned into dad doesn't respect boundaries, or dad makes me uncomfortable, right? These are just feeling statements. Suddenly, what starts as what started as a simple request for accountability from your teen forced into a case for restricted parenting time. And fellas, I I don't mean to scare you, but I do mean for you to really start to pay attention to this stuff because it can sneak up on you, particularly if you're not involved in what's going on in therapy. And this isn't hypothetical. Family law attorneys across the country report a rising number of cases where fathers are accused of being too demanding or emotionally unsafe because they question a therapist's approach or ask to review medical records. It is upside down. The parent most concerned about his child's welfare gets portrayed as the problem. And I remember being, I remember in one of the reports to the court, the therapist saying, I've never seen such a strict dad, where it was simply just very simple, basic rules in the house around chores and doing homework and bedtimes and stuff like that, which really is insanity when that is reviewed as strict or authoritarian. So let's now talk about what this ripple effect is from the standpoint of healthcare policy to the fatherhood crisis. When these medical and therapeutic systems start redefining parental roles, which is what is happening now, the consequences go beyond just privacy and HIPAA. They hit at the heart of fatherhood. And we already have what Warren Farrell calls the boy crisis, which is an excellent book if you if you haven't uh if you haven't already read it. An epidemic, and what the boy crisis is, is an epidemic of fatherlessness driving higher rates of depression, addiction, school dropouts, and even suicide among young men. But this crisis isn't limited to boys. Daughters, too, need fathers who stay engaged, consistent, and accountable. Every shred of evidence, studies, surveys, and everything else show that the number one determining factor of your child growing up to be a healthy, functioning adult is that an active and present father is in their lives. Yet the cultural narrative now remote rewards emotional validation and punishes structure. If you're the dad insisting on clear rules, you've already seen you're already seen as controlling, right? If you question what your child's therapist is with, or if you question why your chair child's therapist is withholding information, you're seen as intrusive. If you simply ask to be informed about medications or diagnoses, diagnoses, you're the problem, you're the quote unquote problem parent, right? And all this gets justified under the banner of protecting the child's autonomy. The truth is it's not autonomy being protected, it's an ideology. An ideology that says kids know best because fathers are optional and feelings trump facts. It's an ideology that makes dads invisible in their own child's health and development. Okay. I know that's a lot, and it should worry you, and it hopefully it's gonna perk you up to pay attention. But what can we do if we can fight smart and not just loud? You're not gonna be we're not gonna be able to change the system overnight. But what we can do is we can outsmart it and we can outlast it. And here are seven ways that you can do that. The first and most important about everything in your divorce pre-during or post is know your rights and know your state's laws. If you've been on one of our calls, if you've done any of our workshops, if you've been in individual coaching with me, you hear me talk about it every time. You've got to get up to speed on everything that is divorced regarding your state's laws and statutes. Every state defines this minor consent thing differently. In some parents retain full access until age 18. In others, like my state, exceptions start as early as 12. Here it was 13, but some it's as early as 12, which is absolute insanity. So don't guess or just ask your child's provider and get the policy in writing. Number two, get access early and in writing. When you first sign medical or therapy forms, specify that both parents are to have full access to information. Don't assume joint legal custody guarantees it. I get this all the time. Sometimes the healthcare system defaults to one parent or to the child. I get this in the school system all the time. They are not set up and they're not structured to notify both parents, and you literally have to harp and harp and harp on them until they get it set up the right way. So get access early and do it in writing if possible. Number three, document your involvement. Keep records of appointments, communicate communications, and costs you cover. If you're ever accused of being disengaged, your receipts and emails become your evidence. Number four, build the relationship, not the case. Hugely important. We're going to talk a little bit about, you know, this was hugely important. And I want you to pay attention of all these seven. Talk to your kids directly and calmly about why you want to be involved. And the best way and probably the easiest way is to frame it as love, which it is. It's not control, it is love. Saying something like, I care about what's happening so I can support you, not spy on you. Teens can smell defensiveness, they respect consistency. So if you're you're framing it as, hey, you're you are there to support them and be there for them and that you love them, that is why they that is why you want to be involved with what's going on with them. So hopefully you've created an environment where they feel comfortable and they already know. When I did it, and when this popped up with my 13-year-old, it was real simple. And and she was almost as surprised as I was that this was something that was in fact a law. Number five, stay composed. The system punishes fathers who lose their cool. And we just don't want to do that. Stay firm, stay factual, stay collected. Every outburst gets labeled as aggression, but every calm question builds credibility. So stay cool. Six, work with your lawyer, make sure your parenting plan and court orders clearly spell out joint access to all medical and educational records. If the therapist or provider refuses, your lawyer can issue a four your lawyer can issue a formal notice. Number seven, push for transparency and therapy. This is pro this is huge, I would say, after number four, with the relationship. Therapists that care about the holistic health of your child, understand that parents involvement, particularly father involvement, is critical and important. If you're getting pushback and you are being iced out of the uh of the process, then that is a red flag for you to pay attention and either push the topic, push the subject with uh with the therapist, or find a new one. And unfortunately, I've I've had to do that. So it's not fun, it's uncomfortable, and it may take you having to go to court to do so. But I can tell you the harm that can be done in therapy, like I've laid out in the first half of this episode, is insane if you don't fight that fight and find them somewhere that is that understands the benefit of having their father involved in their life. All right. So what's the bigger fig? What's the what's the big picture here, fellas? We're not just fighting for access to paperwork. So I hope that wasn't that's not not what I've been not what I've been saying, and I hope that I got that across. We're fighting for a place in our children's lives. When uh when the healthcare system, when the therapists, when the courts decide that a 13-year-old should be shielded from her own father, they're not protecting her, they're undermining the foundation that keeps her safe. Structure, accountability, and parental involvement aren't control. They're love in action. A father who shows up, asks hard questions, and demands transparency isn't the enemy. He's the anchor. As fathers, we need to push back. We can do it calmly, we can do it clearly, but do it unapologetically, dads. This isn't about politics or ego. It's about protecting our kids from a system that's confusing privacy with abandonment and feelings with facts. Because when the adults stop leading, the kids stop growing. So stand your ground, dad. Be informed, be steady, be present, and never apologize for being the parent your kids actually need. Fellas, I hope that you found some value in this today. I hope that you heed my warning with this. If you have found some value, please share this far and wide. This is a very, very important topic. We're talking about more and more in the community. It's something that's going to be coming that has come up on our parental elimination QA's. So jump on those to listen how to counter some of this stuff. Leave us a star rating, leave us a comment. Let's grow. Podcast downloads are up 25% over the last couple of months. You guys are doing a great job of sharing this and getting the word out, and I sincerely appreciate it. Please have a terrific week and God bless.