The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads
The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads is a weekly podcast designed specifically for fathers navigating divorce. It addresses the unique challenges men face and offers practical guidance, emotional support, and real-life insights to help dads survive — and ultimately thrive — during and after divorce.
Each episode combines honest conversation, personal stories, and action-oriented advice to help listeners rebuild confidence, create healthy co-parenting strategies, manage finances, navigate court complexities, and heal emotionally. Since launching in 2020, the show has become a trusted resource and supportive community for divorced and divorcing dads.
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DISCLAIMER: The purpose of this podcast is to inform, not influence. It is not a substitute for professional care or advice by a qualified professional. The host, as well as guests who speak on this podcast, express their own opinions, experience, and conclusions, and The Divorced Dadvocate podcast & website neither endorses nor opposes any particular views discussed here.
The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads
281 - REPLAY: Stoicism For Divorcing Dads
When divorce hits, the noise gets loud—court dates, shifting routines, hard conversations, and a flood of emotions that seem to steer the day. We walk through a clear, practical path rooted in Stoicism that helps you steady the wheel: control what you can, accept what you can’t, and choose your response with intention. Instead of numbing out, we show how to use ancient tools to build very modern resilience and model strength your kids can trust.
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Hello and welcome to the Divorced Dadvocate, divorce support for dads, where we help dads create a healthy and less traumatic divorce. My name is Jude Sandval, and I'm your host. I created this podcast in the divorced advocate community as a result of my own high conflict divorce, and because you as a dad deserve all the resources necessary to thrive through this challenging time. I encourage you to check out our website at thedivorcedadvocate.com, where there are resources that correspond to this episode as well as free access to our membership community, where you will find live meetings, free workshops and courses, private discussion groups, and more. And now on to this week's episode. Hello and welcome to this show. I appreciate you being here today. And we're going to be talking about, and I'm going to be introducing you to the stoic philosophy, which finds its origins in the wisdoms of Epitytus, Seneca, and Marcus Aurelius. But before we get onto that topic of stoicism and divorce, I just wanted to welcome some new members to the community. Jeremy, Vincent, Andrew, and TJ, welcome to the Divorce Dadvocate community. We're uh pleased to have you here. If uh you're not part of the community already, check out the websites and check out the membership site at thedivorcedadvocate.com under the membership tab. By becoming a member, you get the full podcast episodes here. So you will be able to listen to all full broadcasts of all and each and every one of those, as well as replays of the group meetings, which are absolutely just priceless. It's about four hours a month of time that we spend together in in group meeting talking about the different challenges that are going on with each of the men's divorces and talking about ways to get through them and giving advice and just uh generally supporting each other during this difficult and challenging time. So check that out at the website at thedivorcedadvocate.com under the membership tab. Also, the divorce quiz is still up, a great tool to help you gauge where you're at in your divorce compared to others who have gone through it. All right, so let's talk a little bit about stoicism. You know, stoicism is a philosophy that offers a path to which one can always return to overcome the challenges of life. I'm a big, big fan of it, have read uh quite extensively about it, and it shows us a way to develop perseverance, build our mental strength, and discover our purpose as men. So you may have heard of it. It's often being stoic is often misunderstood, and actually in the world of toxic masculinity and whatnot these days, being stoic is sometimes looked at and frowned upon as being negative, let's say. But I want to just give you a quick overview of what stoicism actually is, and then we're gonna talk more about how you can implement some of these techniques into your life because it is probably one of the most excellent philosophies that you can utilize. And and we're just gonna go into an overview here today about some of this stuff. I highly, highly recommend, and I'm gonna give you a book at the end to jump into this if you want to, if you want to start somewhere, that uh is an excellent book, but you can read in uh in in very intimate detail and and read some Marcus Aurelius and and some others, and it is absolutely fascinating. And for me, it has been life-changing. So let's uh let's explain and give a quick overview, firstly, as to to what stoicism is and and what it believes. And the first thing is that God uh is a rational substance in nature. Stoicism assumes the existence of a rational substance, often referred to the divine or God that pervades all of nature. This divine presence is seen as a harmonious guiding force in the universe. And basically, some of this stoicism or stoicism kind of came along. This is a little bit of history, at a at a time in in Greek history where where there was a discontent maybe with with religion, organized religion. And they said, okay, well, we believe that there's a higher power, that we believe there's a god, but it seems like these gods are all warring each other against each other, et cetera, and not really worried about us. So they came up and distilled some of those those religious ideas, maybe you could say biblical ideas, down to some of what they believed are going to help you live a better and more productive life. And then it was called stoicism. So that's a little bit of history, but it is rooted in the fact that there is a higher power. There's a ration, they call it a rational substance that they often refer to as the divine or the God. Uh, the second thing is self-control and fortitude. Central to Stoicism is the cultivation of self-mastery and fortitude. This includes the control of uh your destructive emotions, such as anger and fear, through the application of reason and wisdom. Number three, stoic virtues. Stoicism recognizes four cardinal virtues. The first is wisdom, the second is courage, the third is justice, and the fourth is temperance. These virtues form the basis for a virtuous life and are the guiding principles of the Stoics, Stoics being somebody who is espousing these virtues. Number four, play our roles with serenity. Stoicism encourages us to accept the roles and circumstances we are assigned in life with serenity and without complaint. Although we cannot control external events, we do have control over our attitudes and reactions. That's a big one. And that's a difficult, challenging one when we're going through what we're going through right now during divorce. Number five, the highest good. According to Stoicism, the highest good arises from wisdom, virtue, and acceptance of what we cannot directly control. True fulfillment is found by living in accordance with these principles. Also, another difficult and challenging thing while we're going through divorce, which is pretty much we can't control anything of what's happening and the potential outcome of what's going to be our lives and what that's going to look like at the end of the divorce process. So, again, why that's why this stoicism is a very excellent tool for you. Six universal natural law and brotherhood. Stoicism asserts the existence of a universal natural law of justice and a universal brotherhood that binds all people together as part of a cosmic order. So, again, this this helps this just this goes to the foundation of the the the founding of our our countries that we are all created equal, which was something that was unbelievably and and has been throughout time unbelievably amazing. About I shouldn't even get down there. I'm not even gonna go down a political conversation route. Let's stick to the stick to the stick to the stoicism. Okay, so what is the mindset of the stoic man? The the mindset is about perceiving the world with clarity and wisdom distilled into two powerful principles. The first being focusing on what is within your control and accepting, the second being accepting what is not in your control. So why this is incredibly important right now, while you're going through what you're you what you're what you're going through in divorce, is that for us as men, we do not like chaos and uncertainty just naturally. It's not to say that women necessarily like chaos and uncertainty, but women function better in that context of chaos and certainty. It's just part of personalities and the way that personalities show up between men and women. For men, we like to be very structured and linear, have a path and a goal and know where we're going during this time of divorce. That is not possible. So accepting what's what we can't control, and then focusing on what we can control are two incredibly important principles, which is the my the basic mindset of stoicism. So let's talk about focusing on what is in your control. Stoicism asks us to focus our attention and energy on those aspects of life that we can influence, that we can influence, that we can shape, and that we can control. It teaches us to identify and prioritize our thoughts, our actions and decisions because we can we can control them. So that looks like when we're in, when we're going through what we're going through, that you have control of how you show up, how you maybe get your disclosures done and get those on time and get those done on time and get those submitted on time and get those to your attorney and have those done in a comprehensive manner and can completely. So that's something that you you can control. You can't control if your X or soon to be X is going to be talking bad about you to all of your friends. Something that you cannot control. So it just Stoicism asks us to focus our attention and energy on aspects of life that we can infl influence, shape, and control. All right. What is accepting what is not in your your control? Stay with us. We'll be right back. Hey fellas, it's me. I'm hitting pause on this episode for a second because I need to talk to you. Are you listening right now, feeling overwhelmed, stuck, worried about your kids, your finances are just what comes next? You know I get it, and that's why I started this podcast. But I also know that listening is one thing, and having a personal advocate, a coach in your corner is another. Listening gives you information, coaching gives you a plan. It's where we work one-on-one to cut through the confusion, build your roadmap, and make sure you're not just surviving this divorce, but setting yourself up to thrive after it. I want you to walk into the new year with clarity and control. So, as a thank you for being a loyal listener, I'm offering 25% off one-on-one coaching booked between now and the end of the year. This isn't just a discount. It's an investment in your future and your family. Don't wait for January 1st to feel lost again. Let's get you a plan now. Visit the coaching tab at thedivorcedavicate.com and enter dad's 25 at checkout. That's dad's 25 at checkout on the coaching tab at the divorced dadvocate.com. Claim your 25% discount and let's get to work. All right, let's get back to the show. Equally important is Stoicism's lesson to accept gracefully what is beyond our control. In a world full of certainties and external forces, this facet teaches us to let go of the burden of unnecessary worry and frustration. Okay, so we're just gonna, we're gonna, we're gonna, we're just talking about some of the basics here because I know that's you're you're probably listening and and you're thinking, okay, yeah, that's really, really easy to say, let go of the burden of unnecessary worry and frustration. And I know that that is a it is a very difficult and challenging thing because basically I know when I was going through my divorce that basically that's all I was in was worry and frustration the entire time. So again, dig deeper into this. We're gonna give you some practices here coming up right after this, and give you some more basics around this. But if you want to dig into that and learn how you can release yourself of that burden of unnecessary worry and frustration, dig more into the concept of the stoicism. The next thing is resilience in the face of adversity. Now, how does this mindset promote resilience in the face of adversity? It changes our responses to life's challenges, such as divorce. When we focus on what we can control, our thoughts, behaviors, and choices, we become the architects of our destiny. Adversity is not seen as insurmountable, but it's an opportunity for growth. Now, you've heard me talk about that. If you've listened to more than one podcast about divorce being an opportunity for growth, that's hard to see when you're in the middle of it. But again, if you talk to me, you talk to some of the other guys on our group call that are down the road, even not far from where you might be six months, 12 months, two years, five years, that they can look back and see that it has been and was and continues to be an opportunity for growth. So the stoic person understands that he cannot stop the storms of life, but he can decide how to navigate through them. So let's talk about some daily stoic practices that you can implement while you're going through this challenge. So here's some three actionable practices. The first one, and and some of these, if you look back in in some of the podcasts, previous podcasts, I've done very specific podcasts around how to do some of this stuff. So look back and I'll reference some of these to you while we're going through these. Uh the first one is a morning reflection. There's a great book called The Miracle Morning, which is it which talks about a basic essentially structuring a routine for your morning in order to set yourself up for success for the day. So your morning reflection start should uh start with some sort of gratitude and some sort of uh of intention. And that's because every morning offers a new opportunity to align your mindset with these stoic principles. So if you start the day with a moment of reflection, a moment of gratitude, set your intentions, it makes it much makes it much better going forward. So so like in the next one we're gonna talk about is is journaling. So I'm gonna give this example of what I do in my morning routine, which is the first prompt in my journaling is what I'm grateful for. So I do it the first when I first wake up after my meditation and prayer, I'll do the journaling. The first, the first entry into my journaling is what I what I am grateful for. And then the last journal entry, which is the next thing in here, is intentions, set clear intentions for your day ahead. And they say don't set more than three clear intentions for for your day, because if you start, if you do more than three, then you're you're just you're you're too busy, you have too much going on, you feel bad if you don't get you, if you don't get all more than three done. And three is about all that you can focus on and really actually get done and and be intentional with that intention. So gratitude and intentions in your morning reflection first thing when you wake up or as soon as possible after you wake up. The next stoic practice would be journaling, and journaling helps you to track progress uh and emotions. It's a powerful tool for self-reflection, self-improvement. So I I highly suggest doing something daily. Dedicate, and it doesn't have to be long, dedicate a few minutes in the morning, a few minutes in the evening, right after you wake up in the morning, right before you go to bed in the evening, and jot down your thoughts, your experiences, and your challenges. The other thing that you can keep track of, and this is going to be this could be really, really helpful during this challenging time, is your emotional inventory, noting your emotional states throughout the day, because that is going to be beneficial to you in working through managing those emotions and then trying to move those emotions into a direction that is going to be beneficial for you. The next positive to the journaling is tracking your progress so that you can see how well you are you're managing those emotions or how well you're able to uh accomplish your intentions for the day, etc. So progress was what gets measured gets done. Uh that's a that's a business saying. So this is right along those lines for your personal life. And then number three, another the third, the third stoic practice would be an evening review. And and so I do that within my journaling, my my evening reviews within my journaling, but assessing your actions and identifying areas for improvements, your action assessment, just review how you showed up in the day, what your actions were, what your decisions were. Some of that can just be freeform writing about your day and how you felt about it. Again, I do re do gratitude again at the end of the day, and put in there why you're grateful for what happened throughout the day, and then write some intentions for what you want your subconscious to be working on while you go to sleep, and your intentions for the next day. So your intentions for what you'd like your subconscious to work on, because while you're sleeping, your body is healing, your body is rejuvenating, but also your subconscious continues to work while you're sleeping. And so if you, I think it was Benjamin Franklin who said, do not go to sleep without giving your subconscious something to work on or a problem to solve. So give yourself that, give yourself an intention about what you want your subconscious to work on, and then also write down what your intentions are for the day ahead. Okay, so we briefly touched on managing those emotions and journaling about them, but let's talk a little more about how stoicism can help manage those emotions. And it teaches what it does is it teaches us that emotions aren't inherently good or bad. So an emotion is emotion. There's not a positive, there's not a negative, it's not a good or bad. But it what happens is it's our judgments and our reactions that determine the impact on our lives. So you've there's a podcast, an earlier podcast, anger, it's your friend. And we talk about this a lot in in group work too, that anger in and of itself is not a negative emotion. Actually, anger can be a very transformative emotion. So it's how we react to the angry emotion that comes up as to whether it determines a positive or in uh or negative impact on our life. So, so let's let's talk about some actual exercises for emotional self-control, because part of your process going through this divorce is that you're going to be grieving. And when you're going through the grief process, there are a lot of emotions that are coming up. You're going to go through denial and you're going to go through anger, and you're going to go through bargaining, and you're going to go through depression until you come to being accepting of what is happening. So those are a lot of emotions that are coming up around that, and how you handle those emotions coming up is going to largely determine how you're able to move forward through the divorce, but then also post the divorce and also how you're going to model this for your kiddos. So let's talk about some actional exercises. The first one being the pause and reflect technique. The step, first step for the pause and reflect technique is recognizing the emotion. Now, that may mean that you need to stop. That may mean you need to give yourself a timeout, if you will. Or if it's a strong emotion, and and and I'm not kidding about this. If it's a strong emotion, I know that I had strong emotions, particularly around um dropping off my daughters. And I needed to sometimes spend time alone. I'd need to go sit in the bathroom for a minute or two. And I and I chuckle about it now, but it wasn't funny then because it was awful and it was terrible. And I was so choked up and so upset about leaving them that I really just I needed to recognize what that emotion was, and I needed to just take some time to allow that emotion to come through. Just know that emotions don't last that long. That initial emotion only can last only a couple of minutes. So if you get through those couple of minutes, you're usually okay unless you start to to ruminate on it. But step two is what you're was going to help you is to analyze the judgment about that. Okay. So you might be judging, and one of the things that I was I was doing is I was having sadness, right? So the emotion was sadness during the drop-off. And my sadness was around, like I said, I've been going through the grieving process, was around that I wasn't going to see my my daughters. And and so that was analyzing the judgment. I knew that I was sad. I was analyzing what the judgment around that was. So the so and and actually, so the next step of that is that I was sad and I recognized that, and I was judging that my life had not turned out, and my family had not turned out what I how I wanted it to be. And so that was a that was a judgment. Now the step, now here's where here's where now you can you can decide what you want to do with this. And I would also I'm gonna recommend here, there have been two episodes where we have done uh worked with the intermatrix system with Joey Klein and his or in and his group and his organization. And he does basically this same exact thing about uh this stoic practice of pause and reflect and helps you to go through the process and then utilize those feelings in order to move forward in a positive direction. So go back and and look for Joey Klein. He does one with uh with one of my clients, which is Tim, which is an absolutely unbelievable episode. If you watch or you listen through that one and listen to the changes in Tim from the the beginning of the conversation with Joey to the end of the conversation. So check some of those resources out, or just call me and and we can talk about it too. But the next step is key, which is reframing the judgment. So reframing that judgment around being a failure is was something that that I needed to do. I needed to reframe my mindset around the fact that it it wasn't a failure, that there were a lot of positives that came out of the the marriage, particularly my three amazing young young daughters, young at the time, daughters, but also the the amount of knowledge and understanding and growth and and maturity and all the other things that that came out of that that relationship. And then step four is to choose your response. And so when Joey's working with the inner matrix system, he talks about that identifying what your emotions are, but then also knowing what you what kind of emotion emotional state you want to show up in in any given day. And so when you have an emotion that's not in alignment with that, so this would be the same thing, which is if you're having if you're having a judgment about whatever the emotion is, you're reframing that judgment, and then you're choosing what your response is going to be after that. You're gonna choose to to be focused and disciplined. That was one of the things that I had to learn to do when I'm breaking down at work and I need to sit in the bathroom for a minute because I'm so upset, I can't stop crying. That's that I have to, you know, I analyzed it, I reframed it, and I chose a response, which is to go back to work, to be focused, to be disciplined on my work, and to maybe take some time later to unpackage some of that sadness. So this is not to say that you're ignoring any of your emotions, it just means you get to choose your emotions. So your emotions are not running your life, you're running your emotions and your own life. Okay. So that is the that is the pause and reflect technique. So finding some finding purpose and meaning with stoicism. So this can be a great, great tool to help guide you in the search for what your purpose is. The first thing we do is create a vision and direction when I'm in private practice with you and doing private coaching, because what happens is all of what was our purpose or may have been our purpose, or most of our purpose with our family structure and our kids and our marriage has gone away. So searching for a purpose is incredibly important, and stoicism can help you do that. The first step would be virtue. Stoicism places virtue at the center of a meaningless life, and it teaches us that our highest goal should be to cultivate moral excellence, qualities such as courage, justice, wisdom, and self and self-discipline. The second part of that search for purpose is the pursuit of wisdom. Stoicism encourages us to embark on a lifelong, lifelong journey to better understand the world and ourselves. That one is really important, particularly when we're going through this, because I don't know about you, but I felt like my world was ending. And it's not. I know that now, 10 years later, but that's hard when you're in the middle of it. And I know that it might be hard for you too. But but stoicism and and and by pursuing wisdom helps us to understand that this is part of our life, lifelong journey. And hey, now I'm doing what I do now. I'm talking to you, I'm sharing with you and helping you through that 10 years ago. If you would have told me that I'm doing this, that the pain and suffering and challenges and just disheartening experience that I was going through was going to translate into being able to do something amazing like this, I'd have just like looked at you with a blank stare. So, so it is part of a lifelong journey. So, again, that helps you to reframe that uh whole thought process. The next, the next way to search for purpose is can contribution to the common good. Stoicism emphasizes our connectedness to humanity. It encourages us to consider how our actions can benefit others and contribute to the betterment of society, which is incredibly uh useful and helpful. So, what are some actionable steps for setting meaningful goals? Step one, self-reflection and values clarification. What principles do you hold dear? What kind of person do you want to be? Those are two great questions to ask yourself in step one. The next is consider what activities or pursuits bring you the most joy and fulfillment. I'm going to tell you, if you get into some coaching with me, some private coaching, a lot of my five, my dad's guide to divorce, my five steps are very similar to these stoic steps that we're talking about. Step two being identifying areas of impact. Think about how you can use your skills, talents, and passions to make a positive impact on the world, no matter how small. What would that look like in your in your case at the moment? It could look like how you're showing up at transitions with your kids. It could be as simple as that as that. And and no matter how small that might seem to you, it have a a huge positive beneficial impact on your kiddos. Also consider the problems or issues in your community or society that resonate with your values and interests. The next meaningful the next step for setting meaningful goals would be set virtuous goals. Ensure your goals align with your values and contribute positively to the lives of other lives of others, excuse me. And then the fourth step is practice mindfulness and gratitude. We already talked about uh about gratitude. There is a we there is a an episode or two actually I think very early on about mindfulness meditation and being present with with yourself in your life and with your kids. Go back and listen to some of that. It'll give you some really uh specific tools around how to do that. So let's talk about how stoicism can help you overcome the adversity of your divorce and the and and but you you do that by creating what they call a a stoic playbook. And the first part of creating a stoic playbook is I identifying the identifying the challenge. So in your case right now it might be the divorce but I might also you I might also break that down and refine that a little bit more to something specific within divorce. This the the second step in this this playbook is define the stoic strategy for dealing with that challenge. So again I'm not going to go into all the strategies but you can go and you can research strategies for or research stoic strategies for dealing with with the challenges and implement them. I gave you one actionable exercise for the emotional self-control. And then the the third step would be to hear the rest of this episode and access the corresponding resources visit the divorcedabocate.com and become a member of our community it's free to join and we'll provide you with the resources you deserve as a divorced or divorcing dad. Thank you for listening. God bless and I'll talk with you next week
