The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads
The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads is a weekly podcast designed specifically for fathers navigating divorce. It addresses the unique challenges men face and offers practical guidance, emotional support, and real-life insights to help dads survive — and ultimately thrive — during and after divorce.
Each episode combines honest conversation, personal stories, and action-oriented advice to help listeners rebuild confidence, create healthy co-parenting strategies, manage finances, navigate court complexities, and heal emotionally. Since launching in 2020, the show has become a trusted resource and supportive community for divorced and divorcing dads.
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DISCLAIMER: The purpose of this podcast is to inform, not influence. It is not a substitute for professional care or advice by a qualified professional. The host, as well as guests who speak on this podcast, express their own opinions, experience, and conclusions, and The Divorced Dadvocate podcast & website neither endorses nor opposes any particular views discussed here.
The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads
285 - Half Your Decisions Are Trash Right Now, Here’s The Fix
Divorce can make even the strongest dads feel stuck in survival mode. We sit down with Anthony Thompson, founder of Divorced Dads of America and creator of the Ascent Brotherhood, to unpack how stress hijacks your brain, why motivation seems to vanish, and what actually helps you lead with calm when everything feels loud and urgent.
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Hello and uh welcome. I'm so pleased to have you here this week. Thanks for tuning in, and I am unbelievably excited to have a conversation with my guest today. We're going to be talking about the neuroscience of the of the mind and faith and a whole bunch of awesome things that that you might not think correlate together, but do correlate together and are incredibly important uh for you to know and understand going through divorce and post-divorce. But before I introduce our guest today, let me just remind you we still have the 25% discount on coaching that started on Black Friday that is going through. We're gonna just run this all through the the end of the year. Check it out. Learn more about it at thedivorced advocate.com on the coaching tab. It'll give you all the details, and you can simply use the the coupon code DADS25 DADS25 at checkout to get that discount. All right, my guest uh today is leading a massive movement for men who refuse to stay broken. He's the founder of Divorced Dads of America and the creator of the Ascent Brotherhood. By combining biblical truth with hard-hitting neuroscience, he equips dads to master their emotions and build their confidence, cash flow, and connection with their kids. If you're ready to stop reacting and start leading through peace, welcome Anthony Thompson.
SPEAKER_01:Anthony, great to see you. Thanks, Jude, man. Thanks for being great to be here, dude.
SPEAKER_00:Man, I'm so excited to talk to you. We we connected on social media, and I'm incredibly impressed with the work that you are doing. We talked last week, I think I mentioned just before we were talking to uh Joey Klein, who who talks a little bit about the neuroscience of the of the mind, also has created his inner matrix system. This is something I think when I'm talking to dads, when I'm coaching dads, is one of the a number one first thing that that you need to be cognizant of is how things are coming up, right? We talk about them with emotions, but there is a whole, like like you talk about, a whole neuroscience behind that, how to how to handle it. And it the reason this is important, dads, is because this has an impact on everything that you do from a communicating with your attorney, with your kids, handling yourself. Like this is the crux of everything and how you're gonna get through this in a in a positive manner or potentially a more difficult and challenging manner. But before we jump in, Anthony, really to some details, share just how you got involved in in working with dads and divorced dads and a little bit about your background and your divorce.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, for sure. Uh, first of all, we just want to say thanks, Jude, for you know the work you've done for these years and this timeline, bro. Like it's it's significant, it matters. You've been doing this for a while. I just want to acknowledge you and your work. Those of you listening, and you're some of you probably have had something that you've gotten from Jude. I just want to recommend just two things to do. It's like a lot of times we want our ex to go crazy and drive them crazy. But one of the things that I always like to say is let's drive the algorithm crazy. And two things you can do for Jude is one, just leave them a comment in the in the section or write him a review of something that helped. And the second thing, if you want to help another divorced dad, uh just subscribe to this podcast because just by doing that indirectly, you're going to reach probably five to six different dads that are looking for help. And that's just a simple thing you can do, man, without like dropping money or anything. So I just want to first acknowledge Jude, drop that in there. And I say this like my story was, you know, a lot of corporate stuff, a lot of C-suite stuff, and was starting to pivot into coaching. I was working with faith-driven business owners and helping them make money, helping them crush it at home, and helping them, you know, put systems together that uh will drive their life because when you are married, it's important to keep that together and it's important to make money. And in the middle of that, I went through a divorce, lost my job, you know, went from making over$20,000 a month to driving Lyft, you know, Uber Lyft, and it was demoralizing, crushing, like felt like a like a bum, a failure, all of those things. And so I took that experience, invested that time with mentors and coaches and leaders to say, hey, I need help. I'm crushed. My confidence is shot. My money, my cash flow is having problems. What do I need to do? And so I started learning that and basically used both sides of the coin. Those who are married, I work with them to be able to keep that together and make money. And then these divorced dad guys that, you know, they have a business and they have stuff. And that's how I started working through there. And I say, guys, like, hey, I'm on the other side. I've gone through hell and back, maybe not as much as everybody, but I'll tell you the systems that you need to get on the other side. Because, dude, as you know, you know, we rise to the level of our dreams and our visions. We fall to the level of our systems. And if there's anything that I've realized with dads, is that there isn't a system. And one of the greatest things that dads do is they're fixers. Dads are great at fixing stuff, man. Awesome. But there's also a dark side to fixing. And it's thinking that you can fix everything. And there comes a moment when you can't fix everything. And that's where, Jude, you come in, and guys like myself, where we come in because you need a professional to solve the problem. So that's how I started getting into the road of it, man.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. So what you talk about is what I describe as the chaos of divorce. And during the chaos of divorce, because as men, our masculine natures don't like chaos, right? We like a linear path. We want to know where we're going, how we're getting there, real, real specific. And and and that's then where we get this whole thing. I get guys showing up all the time, and I'm sure guys listening think like all of a sudden I'm so emotional, right? They call it emotional. Yeah. Right. But it's but it's it's more than just emotional, but it is these emotions happening. So kind of walk us through the basics, right? What what like somebody might say is emotional, or what guys are describing as like, I'm all of a sudden emotional. We know, you know, right? That this the kind of the fight, flight, and and freeze that starts to kick in. Walk us through that initial part of it and discuss kind of the amygdala hijack and kind of what happens.
SPEAKER_01:Well, a hundred percent, Jude. I thought about this the last couple of weeks. And, you know, back in the day when alcohol first came out, it was it was acceptable, smoking, it was acceptable. Everything was just, you know, hey, just having fun, no big deal. Then as they started getting to the research and the data of everything, they realized this stuff is killing you. You know, they're you don't drink and drive, you know, people aren't smoking like they were, maybe it's vapes or whatever. But the same thing rings true with now the data and the science behind what's happening in dad's brains when they go through divorce and what's happening in it. And so what you're saying there is it's it's in the same reality. It's your brain is literally getting hijacked to the point that your your decision making is reduced by 40%. It's almost like one out of two decisions suck. And so when you're in that space and you're in that place, you wonder, like, man, I'm having trouble making a decision. You know, I'm having trouble, you know, you know, doing something with my kids. I'm having trouble like hiring somebody or spending money if it's not for my attorney. And the reason why is because your mind is literally in a blender. I tell dads it's in a blender, it's hijacked, and it's and you're shutting down. And so I say it like this divorced dads aren't shutting down because they're weak. They shut down because the stress hijacks their brain. And that stress is is what you're under. And it takes you the awareness to be able to have to step back and say, okay, I can't get myself out of this problem. I can't figure my way out. I can't fix it. I can't YouTube university is the thing. There needs to come to a point where there's a strategy and a system for someone to get through it. So that's a lot of it in what's going on in your brain. Another stat that I love with with some of the neuroscience is that the cortisol in your brain is what spikes anywhere from 50 to 200%, right? So what that does is it shrinks your memory, it shrinks your learning, it weakens your willpower, it weakens your logic and increases fear and irritability. And a lot of those things, what I just said, is literally what alcohol and weed and all that stuff does as well. It just shuts you down. And so when your brain is flooded, you don't lose motivation, you lose the access to the part of the brain that creates the motivation. And so it's harder for you to get going. So those are some of the things that I I try and bring to dads to help them understand like just like you don't drink and drive, you you don't try and go at this situation like you did it before because you're gonna crash and hurt yourself, or you're gonna crash and hurt your kids too.
SPEAKER_00:Right. And there's a cost to this, to this survival mode if you don't understand what's happening. And then you build the you first build the awareness and then and and and then figure out skills to to do what you need to do. And and so I would I just want to reiterate a couple of couple of things that that you said. So literally what what is happening is when you when you get into this in this mode, like your your prefrontal courtes, your decision-making operating system either like goes haywire, it just shuts down, is is is what you're describing, right? So you imagine you're in the dads that are listening, are you're in this blender like you you talked about, and you need to make decisions with your kids, you need to make a decision with the with the attorneys. The decision might be as simple as you need to like go and just get your discovery done, but you're like shut down and you cannot even do anything. And then you mentioned like the the the cortisol connection, right? Where that's then all all flooding, and so like your nervous system is just in an uproar, guys. And it's and and and it's okay, and and and the other point I want to make is it's okay. 100% it happened to Anthony, it happened to me, it happens to every dad that is going through this. That is why it is that's why divorce is rated as one of the top like one or two stressors in anybody's in anybody's life. So it is okay what you are experiencing, because I get a lot of guys with guilt and they're like, oh man, like I can't, my emotions are all over the place. I'm so emotional, like this has never happened. I've always been able to do stuff. I'm being like just understand this is thousands of years of your wiring, and now this is like something that we don't, you know, we don't typically assess or think about as a threat, right? And then you and then it becomes a threat, and then your body is just reacting, and that is okay.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, it is 100% okay, man. It's it's it's what happens, it's where you're at. And I and I tell guys this, it's the difference is that, and I'll give you my like my example is when I got in this situation, my example was always okay, well, how do I figure this out? How do I, what books do I need to read? What what do I need to grab onto? How do I re-engineer this thing? And so my thinking goes to, okay, well, I can fix this just by taking in this new information, and that's going to give me a new result. And it's going to give you some new results, yes. However, in these situations, when it comes to, I tell guys all this time, I say, hey, you know, uh, just recently in Arizona where I'm at, we have some huge rains. And, you know, there's I saw some guys around the neighborhood, they had some holes in the roof and they had guys on the roof fixing the roof. And I I liken that to the same thing what's happening in a dad's life is that you're getting a roof leakage in your life and it's pouring down, and there's rain pouring down, and you look at it and say, Hey, could I fix that roof? Can I go to Home Depot and pick up the stuff? You might be able to. You might have that skill set to do it. But do you also have the skill set to say it's going to last for the next 10 years if I fix it? So you can take the time, or what I've realized is that the high elite level guys that I work with, they understand this concept. And this concept is what separates the good from the great. It's what separates the rich from the poor. They understand that they will trade money for time. And that means that they will go and pay for somebody to help them save a decade of their life. That is the simple difference. And so a lot of guys that I work with, they'll say, hey, I need to put away my 401k, I need to do these things. Those are all great things. Right now, though, if you invest in yourself, if you invest in this process, if you save, if you stack the decade or like yourself, Jude, if they they get with you on certain things and and and work with the attorneys and get stuff figured out quickly now, that money is gonna, you know, 304x on the back end and they'll have more than enough they need in the 401k. But they're so consumed over the now. And it's because, like I said before, with your brain, it is under fire, it's under attack, it is in a fury of World War II bombings, and it's very difficult to try and get yourself out of that scenario unless you really trust somebody. And that's the hard part, Jude, is that right now everything seems to be a scam, and everybody's trying to do this. And I always say this to guys I say, look, the greatest investment you have is in yourself. And about 15 years ago, I did a study on the human body. I had a friend that had a transplant, an organ transplant. And I walked them through the organ transplant. At the end of it, they told me the bill of the transplant. I said, Dear God, that is a very expensive bill. I and it got me wondering, got me curious, how how valuable is your physical body? And so I did research and popular mechanics, and there's a lot of great books on it. And overall, the gist of it is that at the time, our physical bodies alone are worth$42 million back then. Take inflation and now it's a$72 million asset that you have. That's what that's what God has given to us, is this asset. Now, the next question is when you have a$72 million asset, how are you taking care of it? And particularly your mind, which is the greatest real estate that you have on earth. And usually in those situations, guys are just like flabbergasted. They don't, it's hard for them to understand, it's hard for them to even register. But that is the asset, and that is what each and each one of us have, and it's how we manage that asset.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, well, so I liken it to I like what you're what you're describing there, right? So so you know that you've got this unbelievable asset, right? But you know also that you've got something happening with this asset that is that is is basically hijacking its optimal performance. So if it were like a supercar, if you went out and bought a supercar and you had a supercar, but it, you know, it's revving high or you can't get it uh through the gears or whatever, like are you just gonna sit there and tinker with that and figure that out? And like you probably figure it out after, you know, I don't know, YouTubing supercars and how to fix supercars. But like, why are you gonna do that? Number one, you you're you're likely to screw more things up or have a greater timeline in trying to fix that than if you were to try to find somebody like you and the Ascent group or or our uh membership site or coaching, et cetera, that can help you to move past that in a quicker, more efficient way so that you can start utilizing that supercar that you've that you've got, this$72 million you know, amazing thing that that God has designed for you. And so, so let's talk about that and and how you help guys to do that. Because you're in in your set program, you talk about I think the the dad's pain cycle, right? Like how if you're stuck in that for months and months or even years and years, that is going to have a huge impact, not only on your life, but on your kids' life, quality of like like what happens for you for in i in the future.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Yeah, dude, the the thing that I hear the most, and I'm sure you hear it as well, is when these guys get with their little fantasy football clubs of divorced dads that that have, you know, they've gone through it and they've they've they've toughed it out. And they're like, Yeah, man, well, you know, time will heal. You know, it just takes time. And I just I fight that thought so hard because, you know, I've had some family members with cancer, and you know, time time didn't heal. It wasn't time, they didn't need time. It was what they did with the time. And I know you and I talked about this briefly, but it's what you do with the time that will heal what it is that you want. And in addition to that, it's what do you want? And so when I sit down with with guys, the the fastest way, if you want to accelerate your growth, the statistics will show, the neuroscience will show two to three times faster, it's by doing it's by having a forward focus of your life. What is the vision? And you have to have it specific. So when I say specific, here's another thing you'll hear a lot. Well, I just want to be a good dad. That's BS, man. That that's the stupidest answer I've ever heard in my life. Why? Because it's it's it's the most vague thing that you could ever get. And your mind will never attach to what a good dad is. What is a good dad to you? Maybe it's taking them out. Usually it's take them on vacations more, be able to provide for them in freedom. Right. Still not specific. How much money do you need to get to that place? What type of vacation do you want to have with your children? What does mental clarity actually look like for you? What does peace mean? What does freedom mean? So the more specific that you get into the future, then the less specific you will get drawn into the past. The reason why you get drawn into the past is because it's so specific and it's so real. I could ask each and every one of you dads that have had a tough time in co-parenting or the divorce, and you would give me a very specific moment where you were hurt and you were in pain and you were frustrated and you were screaming and you were crying out. You will tell me exactly what that looked like and what it felt like. The future has to be that specific. And what it is, then we reverse engineer the days, the weeks, the months of how to get there. And I say this too, Jude, that's not enough. So you can have the plan. And I'll give this little framework that a mentor of mine really, really helped me with. His name is Brendan Burchard. You guys probably all know who he is. Uh, and he's great. He has this framework that really helped me. It's called the Gates of Change. And so a lot of you guys out there, it sort of works like this, and there's four steps to it. And you have to have the first three steps in order to get the fourth one to stick. So if you want change to stick, you have to have these first three before you get to the fourth. Now, what usually happens is I'll give like a physical analogy here where a friend of yours comes in, they've dropped 30 pounds, they're feeling good about themselves, and you look at them and you say, Bro, tell me what you did. And of course, they'll say, I was on XYZ diet, I was working out three, four times a week, I wasn't eating sugar and bread. I mean, we all know how to drop 30 pounds. It is, there is no science behind it anymore. It's very intentional, it's very specific. Well, that's part four. That that and that alone will not cause change to stick. What causes change to stick, it starts with the first A is awareness. So when I'm talking with guys, I say, hey, what's the awareness? What do you want? What are you aware to of the problem that you're trying to solve? Well, I want, I need more money, or you know, I'm trying to get a better bond with my kids, or this co parenting thing is driving me crazy, or I'm so alone. Okay, great. We're aware to it, step one. And you know that. That dude. Step two is acceptance. And I almost liken acceptance to Jocko's extreme ownership. I take ownership that I'm aware to this problem. Because if you don't take ownership and you try shifting blame or you try making excuses, then it's you're you're not going to go anywhere. So part two is I accept that I'm aware to wanting to solve this problem, to wanting to have this change. If it's losing weight, I accept that I'm fat, right? I accept that my mind is in a blender. I accept that I need to make more money and what I'm doing is not working. Okay, great. The third thing, and this is the one that I would say is the gateway drug to freedom. Accountability. A is accountability. It's the gateway drug to freedom. So those first three things have got to get into the system. You have to be aware, you have to own it, you have to accept it, you have to have accountability. And then step four is we take the action of what we need to do to get there. So the reason why those guys lose the weight or you transform your thoughts or any of those things is because they've are they've gone through the system and they've gotten accountable, and now they're getting the freedom that they want.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, so that's really interesting because you hear it lots of times, and there's slogans, just do it, right? Or why can't you do it? You talked about you talked about the the kind of the looking back mindset, which I would describe as the therapeutic mindset, which is unpacking all this stuff, talking over over about this stuff, which there's some benefit to that depending on what it is that you want your goal to be, right? Yeah. Which you which you brought up, which is what coaches like you and I do, Joey, some of the other people that are really trying to help you to get some results in a shorter period of time. Guys, you'd be really incredibly surprised the results that you get by working with with the system that that Anthony DJ just talked about in in moving out of that, whatever it is, wherever you're you're you're stuck with it, whatever those emotions are, to to uh a different place. But it takes understanding the system. What you describe, right, is is is a system for for going through that. You've got to just you've got to you've got to know where you want to go before you can set that GPS, right? Like imagine using your GPS and just putting it in and being like, okay, take me to where I want to go. Well, where is it? You gotta actually, you gotta know what that is so you can plug it in, and then the GPS does its magic, right? The the award, like, and then so what a coach like like yourself is gonna do is gonna take you through those first three steps so that then you can create the action. And and that's the the challenge. I'm not bashing therapy at all that at all, therapy is is is good, but the the coaching concept around this of what you just described, which is moving forward, and especially for guys, that's why I think guy therapy doesn't resonate quite as with as as much with with guys. I think a lot of guys struggle. I've struggled sometimes in therapy with depending on the therapist. Yeah, the therapists that understand this, understand the masculine nature, and and what you just described are the really, really great therapists. And those are the ones usually you can't get into or it costs a lot, a lot of money, right? And and and so in it's just not saying, well, then take action because you need to do something around that. And so you you know, you've got kind of a framework that that you work guys through. I think you call it fast. Is that what is that what you call to to to help men regulate and and start moving in this direction like like you talked about? Can you talk? Can you share with us a little bit? Obviously, you can't we're not gonna go through all the system. That's where you guys gotta get, you gotta get in contact with Anthony, get involved in the Ascent group, and and help him talk about this and and and work you through this. But but share with us just briefly a little bit about that.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, Jude, let me I'm gonna say this about therapy as well, because this is also really helpful for me. My story as a kid, I grew up in the south side of Chicago. My mom was the youngest of seven. She had me when she was 15 years old, and she was out in drugs and just having a lot of sex. Long story short, when I was eight, she had a drug overdose, and and my biological father is unknown. So when I talk about therapy, and I have the exact same feelings toward it as you do, it's it's this understanding. And Joe Dispenza, who I I love his stuff, and he has something that is really helpful for me in this in this area, especially about memories and the past. And what he says is that 50% of our memories become inaccurate. And what happens is every time you recall a memory, you you change it a little bit. And over time, the edited version becomes a truth. And so a lot of times we're trying to fix something in the past that we don't have all the data, we don't have all the facts. And I liken that into the scriptures where it says that we press on to those things which are ahead. We press on toward the prize, the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. It also says that the old man is gone, the new man has come. So with the guys that I work with, I look at it and say, hey, you made some mess ups, I made some mess ups in the marriage, we screwed up, we could have been better, we we should have done better, and and we can't fix that. What we can is forgive. We can look at the old man, we say, hey, we're gonna go into the new man, this new system, this new set of beliefs, higher calling, faith to faith, and all of those kinds of things. And so what that does is it sets you up that therapy, the word in itself is healing. And when I work with people, I don't want you coming back for the rest of your life. I want you out of here. I want you. The whole group, the whole premise of divorced dads of America is that we're transforming a million, a million dads, rebuilding their legacy. I want a million dads. That's not all the divorced dads. Most dads can't handle what what I do or what you do, Jude. Most of them don't. Most of them don't want to. A lot of them are deadbeat dads. But the guys that that come in my sphere, in your sphere, they want to be great dads. So if you want to be a great dad, then this is the path, and we're gonna get you there as soon as possible. That is going to heal you and give you the frameworks and the systems. When it comes to the fast system, I'll give it briefly. F stands for faith and focus. And so the first thing is that what you focus on is what you become. Your focus is your feelings. You know, and so we have to look in, audit your mind. What's going on? What are you focusing on? And you know, the the old Indian tale, I say to guys a lot, there's a war happening in your mind every single day. There's there's two wolves. There's a wolf of of darkness and despair, and there's a wolf of hope and light. You say, which one wins? It's the one that you feed. And so all of you dads are having this battle every single day. And you get to choose. You get to choose how you feel. You get to choose which wolf you're feeding. And the focus part of the fast system is exactly that. What are we focusing on? What is our vision? What is our mission? That is the only thing that matters. Anything else is a distraction. And our faith component is when I say to guys, I say, look, I'm a great coach and I'm a great partner, but I got an even better partner. And it's God. And man, when I bring God into the mix and bring God into your story, most, most and every dad need a miracle, brother. We all need a miracle. And so I do not even pretend to say, hey, we're gonna get a miracle, we're gonna believe for a miracle, we're gonna work on that. That's faith. The next part is A, it's awareness and accountability. Awareness is obviously what we talked about briefly. What's what the heck's going on? What are you aware to? What are you not? What are your blind spots? What are your gifts? What are your challenges? And then the accountability. It's the gateway drug to freedom. And so whether it's a guy that's, you know, not and I and those of you guys that are listening here, there's some addictions that you got to let go of if you want to get forward. The porn's got to go, man. The weed's got to go. The booze has to go. Uh, and I'll tell and I'll tell you this on my side. I was never a guy that would say I was addicted. I would say that I was addicted to not being addicted. What does that mean? Yeah. That means that it never controlled me.
SPEAKER_00:I mean we tried everything.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. I tried it all. And it would be, it wasn't controlling me, but I also wasn't stopping. And it there comes a point where you have to say, hey, this has to stop. Why? Because you have children. Would you want your children staring and scrolling porn? No, you wouldn't. Do you want your children picking up a bottle, you know, too too young? What if what if they can't control it? That's on you. What about weed, gummies, all of it? So that addiction, that's a side note there. Guys, your addiction, man, you you've got to drop that now. That's just, that's just that just needs to happen. In awareness and accountability, that's part of it. I've got guys that drop all sorts of accountability things. And that is the gateway drug to freedom. The S side of the fast system is systems and strategy. You have to have a system and you have to have a strategy for where you're going. Why? Because you're going to wake up one morning, you're going to hate your life, you're what you're going to want to kill yourself, or whatever it might be. And don't, don't even, that's not even a second. We've all thought it. I mean, there's no day that's gone by where dads haven't thought, is it worth me being alive? And so your system and your strategy is going to take you to where you want to go when those days happen, and they're going to happen. And so that's where this, the S part and the T is the transformation. So Romans 12 says, don't be conformed to this world, be transformed by the renewing of your mind. That's a constant, daily renewal of your mind. It's filling your up, filling you up with the right thing. So your inputs determine your outputs. That means what you put in, it's the recipe, it's the ingredients. When I change the ingredients, I get a different product. We want a different product, therefore, we need to change the ingredients. So that's in a nutshell what that does and how it's customized and built for each and every guy that I work with.
SPEAKER_00:That's awesome. And yeah, you must have been reading my notes here because Romans 12, 2, you referenced was was on, was on here. And it's one of my favorites too. And I think that really that goes to some of the guys that are listening that aren't fighters or haven't been fighters. I know that was my big thing, right? Like I got to a point where I just find I remember the realization, like, I need to be fighting. I need to be stepping up and I need to be getting back in this this fight again. And that's why I like I like that uh renewing of the mind because I literally had to go through that transformation. And and and if you guys can kind of re reframe their minds sometimes. This is, we talked about the stress in the beginning. This is a a renewing of your mind and a renewing of your life, whether you like it or not.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Right? It's it's it's you don't have you're not gonna you don't have an option. This is happening. You're going through a divorce, and so there is going to be a whole renewal, which can come with some beautiful what some of the guys referred to like life 2.0. And I know you and I have discussed kind of what's our life like now, yeah, after the fact, and after we've gone through everything that that you've d uh described, which is creating that I call it creating the vision and direction, right? You're like, yeah, and you described a little very similarly, but you need you need to get into that fight. And and and you talked about part of that fight is getting rid of the addictions or distractions or whatever. We can be man, like we can be distracted from the second we wake up to the second we go to bed, if we allow ourselves to. So you need to you need to get back into this fight, guys, because if you don't, you're gonna be stuck in you know what what you described before is just that that the whatever it is, that it could be a shame cycle, it could be an addiction or or whatever, there's gonna have to come a time where you get back, you get in this fight, and you take the action.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, yeah, it's good. I I say like this a lot of times. What I realize with guys is that wisdom, I'll give you the difference between wisdom and foolishness. We read the Bible, there's a lot of stuff on wisdom. And sometimes it's really hard to understand. Wisdom is knowing the right thing to do and doing it. Foolishness is knowing the right thing to do and not doing it. It's as simple as that. So scripture says a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways. So what happens with guys is that they say one thing and they do another. And I'll give you an example. So a lot of times I'll get somebody on and we'll talk. I ask them three questions. I say, How important is your kids to you? Oh man, they're the most important thing in the world. I do anything for them. Great. Two, I said, now that they're the most important, how important is your life with your kids? Man, my life is so important. I just want to make sure that I maximize it with my kids. Great. Number three, how important is time for you? Man, time is the most important thing. We don't get any more of it. I said, Great. So if those three things are the things that you're saying are the most important, then show me in your calendar, show me in your checkbook, and show me in in your in your lifestyle how those match. Because if they don't match, that's called foolishness. And so what happens is as a coach and as an advisor like yourself and myself, all we're doing is is correcting, self-correcting where guys are telling themselves they're doing something, but they're not actually doing it. And so it's really easy for human beings to, you know, it says that we love to be lied to, the quote goes, we love to be lied to, and we're the easiest ones to lie to. And so those lies then become the reality. And they're not bringing you into the alignment, like you said before, the vision of where you want to go in your life. And when you answer those questions and you look back and you take a step back, you'd say, okay, am I doing everything financially with my kids that I need to do? Am I doing everything I can in my business? Am I doing everything I can in my time structure? Do I have that label? Do I have it set out? Am I am I really doing it or am I just whatever? If your TV's on more than it should, then that's a problem. If you're scrolling more than you should, it's a problem. And so the addictions, the numbness, all that sort of stuff. So I just, as you were saying that, those are some things that I think every dad has to take a step back and and just get savagely honest with themselves because they're at this place. I'm at this place, you're at this place because of the decisions that we've made. No ifs, ands, or buts. You're here because you put yourself in this position. So if that's what you got and you want to get something else and you want to get something different, then we got to change the ingredients.
SPEAKER_00:Right. And I think that brings it full circle to what we started with, which okay, so you get into this fear-based mode, fight, flight, or or freeze. Yeah. But the antidote to getting out of the antidote to that fear-based state is action. Right. It's gotta be action, it's gotta be doing something, it's gotta be getting involved in like in a brotherhood, like the Ascent Brotherhood, etc., hiring a coach, doing something in order to move that forward. It's gotta be. I like the I like the phrase, action is the antidote to fear, right?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, yeah, it's true. Yeah, yeah, I agree. I agree.
SPEAKER_00:So well, so on that note, how can guys get involved in the in the ascent brotherhood? What share maybe a little bit about what the ascent brotherhood is and why guys should get involved in it.
SPEAKER_01:Sure, man. It's I mean, it's it's similar to to what you run. It's you know, there's the worksheets and there's a weekly call, and it's ultimately like you walking into the ocean. It's like, hey, I'm gonna get my feet wet. And as I get my feet wet, I'm gonna do some things I normally don't want to do. And I tell you what, when I first started to do worksheets, I hated them. I thought I was, you know, I was a big shot, you know, C-suite guy that was like, what do I need worksheets for? I I can figure this out. And ultimately, the difference between the guys that are successful and the guys that aren't, and I'll give you this story about Michael Jordan. And maybe many of you guys have probably heard it, but I grew up on the south side of Chicago, so Jordan was everything. When I when I was in sixth, seventh, eighth grade, I was downtown uh every summer for the Bulls parade. I mean, that was just that was like a mark on the calendar. So Jordan is really a big person that I followed and had a lot of friends that were close to him and his his stuff. But there's a guy that I really like, Tim Grover, and he was Jordan's coach. And uh he also coached Kobe and a few other guys. And so whenever people ask Tim Grover, they say, Tim, tell us about Michael Jordan. What what made Michael Jordan the greatest? And Tim is just so dry and matter of the fact. He goes, you know what? He goes, Michael wasn't the most talented. He goes, Michael wasn't even the most skilled. He goes, but Michael was the most coachable, and that's what set him apart from everybody else. And I say the same thing to each and every guy. The guys that are successful, the guys that make the rest of their life the best of their life, they're humble and they're coachable and they're ready to learn and grow. And I think that's what these types of programs are. It's it's guys coming in saying, I don't have all the tools or the answers. I'll do any worksheet that's possible. I want to see this happen in my life. I want my children to have a legacy that matters. I want to be a better dad. I want this X, Y, and Z. So that's what's inside of there. All of the systems that I use with my 101 clients, all the stuff that I go through that, you know, weekly group calls just to get guys going, get just get them on their feet. You know, like you, Jude, you know, you you want to help everybody, and I want to help everybody, but I also know that you got to put skin in the game to help. And a lot of these guys, you know, I that's the difference. I'm not for everybody. And just like you, Jude, you're not for everybody. The guys that are going to be successful are going to put, they're going to put the stake in the ground and say, hey, I'm going to do something with this.
SPEAKER_00:Right. Well, this wraps back to to what we were talking about earlier. I I know there's a lot of guys that that listen, that listen to to your podcast, listen to my podcast, and they listen to listen. And I've been guilty of this too, right? Like just listen to try to figure stuff out myself. But what what you're what you we've been describing through this is that or through this whole episode is that you are you are you are your life is driven by something, a nervous system that that you don't know. Like, so look, take it back to the supercar. Like you've got this supercar, except you don't nobody taught you how to drive it. Right? So you've got this supercar and and you're kind of stuck in first gear. You don't know how to, you know, you don't have to, you know how to take it off the line, but you don't have to do the rest of it. You don't have to go get through the gears, you don't have to take it through the turns, like you don't know any of the rest of this. That's why, like the Ascent Brotherhood, other groups, like and and that can be not one of our divorce groups, like it could be one of your church groups or a men's group or something else, or it could be a 12-stop group. Like if you're at the point where you need to do, you need to do some addiction work, right? Get involved in these groups. That's where the wisdom of people like Anthony that have gone through this, other guests that we've had on, so that, and and then the other guys that are also going through it at the same time. That's why it is absolutely critical. All you guys, all you dads that are listening, get involved in in the group, in the in the brotherhoods in the ascent. And like that is where the magic's gonna happen. Yeah, it you might not like worksheets, you might not like whatever. And then that's also like why Anthony's on this show. Like, maybe Anthony's for you, maybe Jude's for you, maybe Joey's, like maybe somebody. It we're not gonna, we're not gonna, and I don't, and I think you probably agree, we're not gonna attract everybody, and nor do we want to attract them. We're gonna attract people that are gonna work best with Anthony or Jude or anybody else. And so, but our point, and and I'll and I'll let you finish it off, is get involved, right? Get involved with the brothers, don't self isolate, find the the help that that you need because you deserve it. And you've got this seventy two million dollar freaking supercar that's that that that you want to then take your kids in and show your kids their seventy two million. Dollar supercar that they're going to grow up and be able to drive and and and run this thing to do amazing things in this world.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. You know, Jude, when you were saying that, a picture came to me came to me like this. In this whole process, uh, I remember there was a time when I was riding motorcycles and I was going from Newport Beach to Fresno to buy kind of this vintage BMW. And I had to take a train. And I had never really taken trains before. And so I went from Newport to LA, had to transfer trains and got and got to Fresno. And you know what? It sucked, man. It was an all-night train. It sucked. I got the bike, it was great. I had another time where I where I took a train across the country a good deal, a good amount of time. Fun, cool, but ultimately like it takes time. Then I took a plane one time from New York to LA instead of driving. I saved a lot of time. I had a client of mine that was in New York and he wanted to get to London, and this was back when the when they still had the the Concord. Yep. And you know, he took the Concord, you know, from New York to London, and it was, you know, just a couple hours. And each each one of those moments, you'll notice that the reason why people are doing those things, the reason why you're not taking a bus and you take a train, it's time. The reason why you're not taking a train and you're taking a flight, it's time. The reason why you're taking a Concord, it's time. And time is a vapor, and we only have a certain amount of it. And when you understand the level of time and the understanding of it, you'll realize that you want to get there as fast as possible. And I'm not saying there are shortcuts, but there sure is a lot of wisdom and structure and systems to get you there faster, right? It's not a shortcut to go from, you know, New York to London in the Concord. It's not a shortcut. It's it's it's possible. And so what I think with guys is they have to realize that most of the things that they hear is from a lot of people that don't understand what is possible. And so when they do hear something that is possible, it's hard for them to fathom. They think it's a scam, they think it's a joke, they think it's whatever. And it's really what you believe is what you become. And so each and every one of you guys that are listening, if you believe that you can get there to wherever you want to go faster, you want to make more money, bonds with your kids, relationship, mental side, it's all possible. Scripture said there's nothing impossible with God. And I truly believe that when you see it, you can get there and we can we can structure those things. So I just want to say that is that that picture came to me, and maybe for one of those dads out there that is trying to figure out how the heck is this going to happen. And I say this, man, the guys that I have worked with, and you can see on the timeline just what I would call miracles. I've had guys that, you know, had to go to change state to try and get time with their kids, had to fly to Hawaii and live there for months with you know supervision. And we started working, we started talking through it, we started praying through it. And it was, you know, a matter of six months. And now they have a 50-50 split with no extra added lawyer fees. I've seen miracles happen. And so I sometimes guys need to have faith and hear faith to activate their own faith for their life. And so I just want to just leave that there with you.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, no, that's that's beautifully said. And to to bring it back to the to the hijacking of the mind and what you said, basically, one out of two decisions you're making during this process are gonna be bad because you're not regulated. And so that's why you can cut down that time. And then extensibly, then what you're doing is you're you're cutting it. So if one out of two decisions, think about it, it's just a math equation, one out of two decisions is bad during this process, then that's gonna impact your life post-divorce. Half of what decisions you're making are are likely not gonna be the best decisions. And the challenge oftentimes is when when we've talked about this, is is that all you've got, all you're doing is listening to your attorney who's telling you to just get through the legal process and be done. Well, that's not the only consideration around this. How you get through it, the decisions that you make, once you're long gone from them, and if you're not making the right decisions, then you're not long gone from them because you're gonna have to go back to them, which you know, and this is a whole nother podcast is how they can perpetuate this this whole system is meant to perpetuate and keep people in conflict. But anyway, so if you haven't, then you know, once you're down the road, then you're having to come back into this. So you cut that time off by working and understanding what that you know what that supercar is doing and how you can do it the best, and how you can get through this process because how you get through it and the outcome that that you have has a significant impact on you going forward for maybe decades, right? Because you're gonna be you're gonna be raising your kids, you're gonna be co-parenting, hopefully co-parenting or parallel parenting with with this other person. So, so yeah, get what Anthony described as absolutely, absolutely critical. You don't have a lot of time in this process to to figure this stuff out. And if you want to YouTube it and you just want to listen to all the podcasts, that's great. Okay, there's it's gonna give you some benefit, and you'll cut down some of that time if you want to get to it and you really want to figure out what that what that focus is and what you want life to look at post-divorce, call Anthony. Get into the ascent you know, program or your business, and you want to you, you know, like you described, creating a way, uh a roadmap to get this done, get involved. So let's just end it with we we talked, man. I I could go on. I've got like five more things in my head that I want to say, but like we're we're pretty much we're pretty much there. But we'll we'll schedule a time to to get you back and and and and we'll talk some talk some more because I think there's a lot of you share so much wisdom, my friend, and and it's so much in in line with what we do with our community here. And I know that would the it it falls in line with everything that the dads have heard over the the course of all of our our episodes. Share how the dads listening can can get involved with the same program, where they can find uh the divorced dads of America and and get in contact with you.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, man, I think the easiest way is just on Instagram is divorced dads of America, and there's a little link there to jump into the school group. It's free, you know, and get all the stuff. So yeah, it's all there, man.
SPEAKER_00:Okay, so how did uh and you've got an awesome, we were talking about that too. I'm I'm the awesome Instagram account and all kinds of just great stuff and reels and everything else. So so check that out, but also go to the to the website and and get involved.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, thanks, dude.
SPEAKER_00:Anthony, thanks. I I sincerely appreciate it. All of your your your wisdom and us connecting. I look forward to us to staying in contact and and and and maybe having you back on the show too to share some more information. I like the idea about sharing victories about guys post-divorce. We've both worked with a lot of guys that see some of those miracles happening. And the the first thing I thought about was like, damn, we need to start sharing some more of that stuff to give guys we talk about some of the scary stuff a lot and the fear and how to overcome it. We need to share some of those miracles. So maybe we we collaborate on how we can do that, share a story with some of our prospective clients on it that can do that. Yeah, great, dude. Awesome. Thanks so much, my friend. All right, brother. I'll see ya.
